Absolutely. Following the plan will give you best chance of WH pulling his head out of his butt.


SFL, I think it is too early for you to decide right now. You just exposed a few days ago.

That does not mean you should not file for divorce to protect youself. WH needs to see that you are serious about how you will be treated.

Can you post your Plan B letter? It is important to get it right because that is his map for the way home.

WH has at least 2 credit cards in just his name. I believe these are where OW purchases have been made. If we divorce my lawyer will comb through all of that BUT, I am just realizing that since he's had this out of town job, he's been saving those checks that come with your credit card statements. I've seen different ones stuffed into inside pockets of his brief case. Those are the worst! A ridiculously high APR.. .and if he gets cash from his credit cards whatever purchases he makes won't be traced.

Yes, I am going to see how today plays out. This is the day he says he's going to talk to his boss about an exit strategy. When he contacts me, I will say I need half of our savings moved to my account immediately. My name is on our retirement and savings but I don't have passwords, etc.

I think that will just tip his hand off that he should move all funds out of your reach. We see waywards take the whole pile very very often. Instead, move it all yourself if you can.

You want him struggling in Plan B and yourself comfortably off.

That's not to say you should spend it, just secure it first then see a lawyer for advice on how to proceed.

Don't tell him you want half the savings. Just transfer it.

You should also transfer enough for an attorney retainer as well...$3-5k. I'd go with the higher amount.

If there's a bunch of credit cards you don't know about and didn't agree to, most certainly move all of his funds out of reach.

He's in that 'live for today' part of the addiction where nothing matters except paying for OW's shoes.

Just safeguard the cash. You can't even trust him with half of it unless you are cool with half of the marital funds being blown in sixty seconds.

Dr H's typical advice, is move the cash so the responsible spouse can safeguard it. It will either be all saved for recovery or divided in a proper divorce settlement.

If your name is on the account, just go in branch with your ID and say you need to change the passwords.

When you say retirement account, is that a savings account that was slated for retirement? Is it an investment acct?

And I would divide all family money by 3 (you, WH, and your son)
and you should have 2/3rds....

Exactly, he won't keep any of his half for your son. If he rants about it say, "I cannot allow free access to marital funds while you are spending our money on a mistress. Rest assured I am saving our money for our family's future. All my love". If in Plan B your IM will just refer him to legal advice. If he claims that the A is over just tell him you expect him to commit to marital recovery and to see him write his mistress a letter ending things for good which you will send her together. He will reply with fog babble which you will ignore.

I can answer from my experience: I was a workaholic and really neglected my wife. She started an affair and that was really the alarm bell going off in my mind that there was trouble!

I have changed my perspective on marriage 180* since studying Dr. Harley's programs.

So, yes. People CAN change.

Spoke to attorney and we are filing. Finishing paperwork now.

I complete get that exposing is good whether we D or not.... I didn't retract the 30 days.

Latest from WH after speaking with boss was:

"They want to promote me. I told them I needed to exit. We are going to work out a plan.
Details are me and the head of HR are going to develop a plan. They are moving OW to another group. (within the company)"

Sounds fishy to me. I don't know what to do.
Open to any and all feedback.

I would just focus on getting divorced and ending the marriage. That's all you need to do at this point.

Agree with MelodyLane.

FYI, my fWH "talked to his boss" as well. There was to be a transfer to another job, across the continent and in a different county. Was to have taken 4 to 6 weeks to set up. Delay upon delays, it finally took 5 MONTHS to get the transfer finalized. And during that whole time, fWH and the Dolly continued their A underground, even with corporate scrutiny, so we were in False Recovery. The most excruciating event of my life (even more than D-Day #1.) Avoid this by all means.

Keep on your course, SFL. You are on the right path.

Sfl, I'm out and typing on my phone but make sure you ask for exclusive use of the home. Is attorney requesting a hearing for temporary orders? Are you planning to serve WH or send a waiver of service? I will post more when I get home.

That was not the condition you required to remain in and work on reconciling your marriage.

Tie up all of your loose Plan B potential breaches and stand firm. No waffling now.

You can control the speed and destiny of the divorce proceedings.

LTL

That tells me that OW was able to fool her family into thinking that it was all innocent. Were you able to find OW's parents?

You do realize that OW and the company are deep in the Morman Belt where more people are mormon than not. I would personally call her parents and calmly explain to them the truth about the affair. Show them that you are a reasonable and loving wife who is completely broken by the break up of your family...and that includes your two young children.

Her parents may be able to convince her to leave that employment and stay away from your husband. Why do you think that OW was also trying so hard to keep your WH a secret?

I would be doing everything possible to keep that POSOW from weaseling her way into my family regardless of whether I filed for divorce.

I really need everyone's help right now. This has gotten messy and WH is getting ugly.
His texts have gotten out of control:
"Making these threats, worse, following through looks really bad for you in court. Damaging me financially for malicious purposes. I don't want to go there Please."

"I am exiting to avoid the scar on my career but I am doing it because you are coercing me. What are you trying to accomplish. I told him you were threatening to 'expose' me that's why I wanted to exit. I told him everything and came as clean as I could."

AND THEN HE TEXTED ME:
"So you posted your cheaterville profile to my work FAcebook page?? You said you would give me time to exit gracefully. Clearly, you did not. This just got ugly. Don't play dumb."
*** I did nothing of the sort. Apparently someone created a fake fb profile "sarah marie" and posted onto his work FB page asking them to investigate WH and knowing some facts about their relationship that I don't even think I revealed on this board (I'll have to check)
He then said:
"I will fight so dirty now. I will do everything in my power to lock you up for extortion and take the kids from you." He then accused me of horrible things.

He also sent an email to "his attorney" saying he forwarded my texts of giving him 30 days and the cheaterville post with their response being:
"The DA prosecutes criminal cases so contacting the DA's office is a good idea."

I don't know if he is making all of this up to make me think his career is already "ruined." but I am scared.

Is giving him 30 days extortion? I have no idea who posted cheaterville link on his work page but it was not me. Is the fact that I created a cheaterville page going to be held against me in court?

Please advise. He is now calling saying if I pull back he will pull back.

You are in the midst of the exposure storm.

He is acting like a typical ugly wayward

who

has

been

exposed.

Typical.

Calm down and breathe and give NO response to the nasty threats he is using to shut you up.

(think of the movie The Exorcist. People get scary ugly when their evil is revealed to the world....but....revealing it is the only thing to do. To not reveal it is to support it).

Your WH is doing his very best to
1. regain control of you
2. to avoid the destruction of his hot affair
3. to try every tactic to do 1 and 2 (play nice and loving AND be scary tough while making you doubt your actions)

If he threatens you with legal action......you tell him you will take the OW to court and sue her. (you say this nicely and don't feel you need to add details of what you would sue her for)

SFL, calm down. Many waywards flip out like this. The last thing a wayward wants is to defend his actions in court...he will look like a giant ahole crying that his skank was exposed. It is so incredibly stupid, it's laughable. My ex did the same thing at one point...he wasn't going to do x, y, or z...and he would fight me over a, b, and c as "a matter of principle"... and x 100

I basically told him to bring it on if he wanted to go to court because he would look like a dog and he knew it. The DA isn't going to prosecute anything. All this is stupid and typical wayward outrage