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Seems like this whole ordeal brought WH and OW closer.  I guess I didn't successfully kill the affair but I will make sure she isn't legally aloud to be near my children. Your WH would not be so angry and desperate to get you to stop if all the drama had brought them closer together. You are doing great! Deep breaths and remove yourself from the drama. Number 1 rule around here. If WS lips are moving then WS is lying and trying to manipulate you. You really cannot believe anything he is saying about the workplace or OW and her Dad. I wouldn't be surprised if OW's Dad called the workplace himself to report your husband. Seriously SFL, it is early days and this is all textbook.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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You actually invited a lot of reality to rush into the affair.
That is why they are so upset.
It isn't hot and romantic and sexy right now.
Relax. Stay strong. Don't lovebust. Don't veer.
And, get a pedicure today (if you like that sort of thing).
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Thank you everyone. Yes I have an intermediary. Will send him plan B letter- thanks MelodyLane! He keeps calling me wanting to talk and says that he talked to OW today and she said her dad got a lawyer because the cheaterville post had "personally identifiable information" on it and I could get sued. ?? Had her photo and her name and that she got my husband to buy her things.    He's been texting and calling all day- I want to tell him to please deposit half our savings into my account, then we'll talk. He wants my assurance that I won't report the PI info to HR. I want half of our savings deposited but in that case would that be extortion? I wouldn't think so because it's half mine.... You don't need to ask permission to transfer your own money. You are on the account, correct? Seems like this whole ordeal brought WH and OW closer. I guess I didn't successfully kill the affair but I will make sure she isn't legally aloud to be near my children. They aren't closer...they are scared. She is likely already flipping out on him! 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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They aren't closer...they are scared. She is likely already flipping out on him! They were "close" before the exposure. NOW, they are running around shrieking trying to plug the holes in the sinking Titanic. How "romantic!"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree - it's not closeness, they are just trapped on the same sinking bit of driftwood. Fronting it out and trying to do damage control.
Once you go into Plan B and he starts keening for his lost family on top of it all they will be toast.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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If they are so close, why did she run to her daddy to fix her mess for her? If that is even true. Your WH doesn't seem remotely interested in protecting her, rather he is interested in protecting himself and his career. So that tells you just how close they are.
Keep up the good work SFL, you have a lot of people rooting for you, whether you decide to give your WH the opportunity to recover your marriage or not.
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Your WH doesn't seem remotely interested in protecting her, rather he is interested in protecting himself and his career. . He could easily get other work and so pave the way for his little mentee to carry on there unexposed. However he's not going to do that because he knows cheap, happy fun time is over once he can't give her credit cards to play with. This is totally ruining the facade of his generosity and helpful support - he's been revealed as an ordinary and selfish cheating husband and she is more clearly seen as a golddigger.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Has he withdrawn all your funds? Most? What do you still have access to? No, he hasn't touched our joint checking account. We have an Investment/savings account that he cashed out half to wire to our joint account (showed me proof online) but it won't be available to me until Friday. I am definitely waiting to serve him with D papers until that is in account, but should I wait to send plan B as well? Or just send plan B?
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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If they are so close, why did she run to her daddy to fix her mess for her? If that is even true. Your WH doesn't seem remotely interested in protecting her, rather he is interested in protecting himself and his career. So that tells you just how close they are.
Keep up the good work SFL, you have a lot of people rooting for you, whether you decide to give your WH the opportunity to recover your marriage or not. Thank you so much everyone! I am trying to stay strong but he knows how to push my emotions. Latest text (you will find amusing) is "Can we both agree to love eachother and not go postal? I want to be good to you."
Last edited by SFL; 05/28/14 05:22 PM.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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You actually invited a lot of reality to rush into the affair.
That is why they are so upset.
It isn't hot and romantic and sexy right now.
Relax. Stay strong. Don't lovebust. Don't veer.
And, get a pedicure today (if you like that sort of thing). I did get a pedicure! 
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Thank you so much everyone! I am trying to stay strong but he knows how to push my emotions. Latest text (you will find amusing) is "Can we both agree to love eachother and not go postal? I want to be good to you." How is having an affair "being good to you??"  What he wants is to control you so you won't blow up his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dear WH,
Your affair has been the most painful thing I have endured in my life. Because of this, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ________, has agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.
I would like offer visitation every other weekend from Friday evening until Saturday evening. You would take the children with you. I would only ask that you not expose them to your affair partner. I will expect that you will continue to deposit your check into our joint account to provide support for me and the children.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I cannot see you under these conditions.
Respectfully, SFL Thank you Melody Lane- just wondering if I should send now or after funds are in my account? Don't think it matters..... but I just wanted to make sure. Also, I am going to add a line in there saying that I've shipped his things to (address here) which is OW's address! I'm sure she'll love boxes of his crap arriving at his door.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Can you write another Plan A note to him?
"Dear WH.
My exposures of your affair all carry my name. I have no need to hide my identity becuse I have done nothing wrong, nor have my supporters. When I expose you at work, it will have my name on the letter and it will be addressed to the proper people and it will be an attempt to prevent a sexual harrassment suit using their help. One of the reasons I want you to leave is because I anticipated one of your other mistresses might cause trouble. Please try to leave the workplace gracefully as soon as possible. Your affairs have made this workplace an impossible place for you to be. For the future of our family I beg you to behave responsibly" Just wondering what others thought about this Plan A letter above before sending plan B. Should I do this? If I am serving him Saturday- should I still push for him to leave his job?
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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I wouldn't send that for the simple reason you have decided to get divorced.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dear WH,
Your affair has been the most painful thing I have endured in my life. Because of this, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ________, has agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.
I would like offer visitation every other weekend from Friday evening until Saturday evening. You would take the children with you. I would only ask that you not expose them to your affair partner. I will expect that you will continue to deposit your check into our joint account to provide support for me and the children.
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I cannot see you under these conditions.
Respectfully, SFL Thank you Melody Lane- just wondering if I should send now or after funds are in my account? Don't think it matters..... but I just wanted to make sure. Also, I am going to add a line in there saying that I've shipped his things to (address here) which is OW's address! I'm sure she'll love boxes of his crap arriving at his door. What does your attorney say?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Haven't talked to her about that. I thought I was told to file to protect myself from him filing first? If I file but don't serve he will still have control over the speed of things even if he files after me but serves me first.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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How is having an affair "being good to you??" What he wants is to control you so you won't blow up his affair. exactly!! I was like "good to me?"
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Haven't talked to her about that. I thought I was told to file to protect myself from him filing first? If I file but don't serve he will still have control over the speed of things even if he files after me but serves me first. Well then, you should have him served first. If the goal is to get divorced, there is no reason to drag things out. These are the kinds of questions I would ask you lawyer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Has he withdrawn all your funds? Most? What do you still have access to? No, he hasn't touched our joint checking account. We have an Investment/savings account that he cashed out half to wire to our joint account (showed me proof online) but it won't be available to me until Friday. I am definitely waiting to serve him with D papers until that is in account, but should I wait to send plan B as well? Or just send plan B? Why are you waiting? I do not understand. I don't recall the specifics of CA but getting the D ball rolling is what starts the clock that tells him not to do x, y, or z...like hide assets or take large sums of money. The same applies to you so you should just transfer some money before you screw yourself over while waiting on him. Do you understand you could be left with little funds and then will have to fight to get them back? Do not put yourself in that position. Even if you don't take all or most of the funds, take something or else you will be at his mercy if he plays with the money...you will have to fight him.
Last edited by black_raven; 05/28/14 08:08 PM. Reason: 8500 typos
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Why would he not be able to wire funds from a savings account to your account? Even if they are at two different bankers, this can be done with a minimal fee. I hope you don't get screwed waiting until Friday.
If you have any credit card accounts where you are the primary card holder and he is an authorized user only, you should remove him as an authorized user. I don't know what your financial situation is to cover bills but you need to start thinking about taking measures to avoid him cutting you off from funds. It is very typical for a WS to pull this sort of thing especially when they are the primary breadwinner.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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