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MelodyLane #2804501 05/29/14 07:41 PM
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He told me today that right now it is tough to break ties because of the work ties they have together. He said "she knows what's up and just give me time. I love you".


Lost
epeck8 #2804512 05/29/14 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: epeck8
He told me today that right now it is tough to break ties because of the work ties they have together. He said "she knows what's up and just give me time. I love you".


In other words, he wants you to sit tight while he continues his affair and keeps you around as an option.

Is there a reason why you would want to live like that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


epeck8 #2804558 05/30/14 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted By: epeck8
He told me today that right now it is tough to break ties because of the work ties they have together. He said "she knows what's up and just give me time. I love you".

Will he even do the basic first step? Will he write a NC letter for you to send?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



MelodyLane #2804563 05/30/14 05:07 AM
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epeck8 Offline OP
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I absolutely will not live like that and I told him this. I told him if he doesn't sever all ties he will have to leave. He told me it will stop. I will have to watch closely and see if it does. I am hoping we can get through this, I will try what ive learned here. i can't live like this any more. Thank you all for your help.


Lost
epeck8 #2804564 05/30/14 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted By: epeck8
I absolutely will not live like that and I told him this. I told him if he doesn't sever all ties he will have to leave. He told me it will stop. I will have to watch closely and see if it does. I am hoping we can get through this, I will try what ive learned here. i can't live like this any more. Thank you all for your help.

Will he write a NC Letter? Change all his contact information?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2804590 05/30/14 08:38 AM
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The first step is a No Contact letter to the OW. He will need to make it IMPOSSIBLE for her to contact him. If she lives nearby, you must understand that they will find it very easy to start up the affair again. Dr. Harley strongly recommends moving in this case, even with all the difficulties and challenges involved in a relocation.

You and he will need to make any further affairs impossible. He has a profession that makes it easy to have a secret second life. If you were to find a way to be with him 24 hours a day, an affair would become very difficult.

Have you exposed his affair to your friends and family and to the friends and family of the OW? Everyone needs to know so your H will be held accountable. You also desperately need emotional support throughout what is likely going to be the most difficult and stressful experience of your life.

Are you able to eat and sleep?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
epeck8 #2804591 05/30/14 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: epeck8
I absolutely will not live like that and I told him this. I told him if he doesn't sever all ties he will have to leave. He told me it will stop. I will have to watch closely and see if it does. I am hoping we can get through this, I will try what ive learned here. i can't live like this any more. Thank you all for your help.


epeck, he told you he "needs time," though. He is not ending the affair, though. He is buying time so he can continue his affair.

It is real important that you follow the steps here to recover your marriage or you won't make it. Has the affair been exposed to everyone, for example? Has he completed all the steps on the extraordinary precautions check list?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2804680 05/30/14 01:25 PM
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Dear Epeck8,

Please listen to Melody Lane and other vets posting to your thread. Three years ago after discovering my FWH EA/PA, my husband told me "he had gotten in too deep, too fast" and needed time. Little did I know that was code for he wanted to keep juggling me and OW. This was before I found Marriage Builders. I could have saved myself months of additional pain if I would have known about the advice that you are getting here.

For your sake, I hope you ignore what your husband is telling you. You need to follow the advice you've been given. Your WH is gaslighting you. He's hoping you'll give him the time so he can continue with his affair fantasy. Don't fear your husband's anger. He will be mad when you press for NO Contact, but you need to blow their relationship up by exposing without warning to not only your family and friends but to the OW's family and friends also.

I will pray that you have the strength to overcome your fears and follow the advice of Dr. Harley.

BW


Me (BW) 63
FWH 59
Married 30 years
FWH EA 2007 - 2011
FWH PA July, 2011 - November, 2011
False Recovery Dec, 2012 - July 14, 2016
3 adult children, 4 granddaughters and 1 grandson
epeck8 #2804699 05/30/14 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted By: epeck8
He is self employed as a landscaper and lawn maintenance business owner and agreed at this point to quit working with this woman who has been designing and promoting landscape projects that included his expertise with the tractor etc and physical labor. A team so to speak. He gave up a profitable job last night because of my discovery of the affair. At this point he is trying to do the right thing. He seems to understand the magnitude of his mistake and is kind in his response to my requests.


Epec8, my husband was a landscaper too when he had his affairs. Being a landscaper, he has more freedom to go wherever he choses, with you none the wiser. This OW may be a good referral source for him, but it's a big world out there. I'm sure he could find other sources for referrals. Builders, contractors, current and prior customers, etc.

If he's asking you for more time, he's yanking your chain. Do you know where he is all the time? How is he keeping himself accountable? How will you know that he is not working with this OW? Please don't say you trust him. Even if he checks in with a cell phone, he could be anywhere. In your situation, I would think about using a GPS tracker for awhile. He is not trustworthy at this point.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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