Hello MBs

I was divorced in 08 and my man friend in 09, we started seeing each other a couple weeks before his divorce and about 8 months after my divorce. At that time I did not wanted anything to do with marriage. there in lies my problem. He would've married me then if I had wanted to get married, but I told him that I did not want to be married again and that I believe we would do much much better unmarried. he eventually came around and ever since that time has always said negative things about ever being married again.

I find that it is impossible to be in the perfect will of God living like this. I have never out right said that I've changed my mind about marriage because he always says he will never get married again. I love him and he is very good to me. we do not have any major real problems. in fact we have a lot of fun together.

I ask him to move out and finally his is going to move out in the next 2 weeks. HE is REALLY DREADING moving out.

I still want to remain in a relationship with him. What should I do now? I don't believe in proposing to a man. Should i cut him off cold turkey. ignore him or what?

Hi, teb - do you have Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?

teb,

Welcome to MB. From the information you have given in this post I would encourage you to continue with him moving out and once that is done I would have a conversation with him explaining how your feels about marriage has change, (in part because of him) and ask how he feels about that.

Markos has given you a great book to read that will help your with that conversation and I would read it before you have the conversation. It will help you be more clear on what you want so that you can express it to you man friend.

Dr H. recommend dating about 30 men before getting married. Besides your ex-husband and this man friend, have you gone out on a date with about 30 men?

Did you know you man friend while you were married to you ex? And, if you did, was any of you meeting each others intimate emotional needs (Conversation, Affection, Recreational companion, or sexual fufillment)?

Please read. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

No I was out and About dating and doing my thing when I met him. He was separated and had filed for a divorce. He moved into my neighborhood and we met.

I will try and get my hands on the book, I figure it is simular to Steve Harveys book think like a man.

Ok, I click the link, reading it now.

Read this thread while you're waiting for the book.

You do realize separated is not the same as divorced, correct? He was still married. Did you know this when you started dating?

Yes which ordinarily would've been a deal breaker. He was extremely honest with me and showed me his divorce documents. We spent 6 hours talking the day we met. Which is something else i would've never do. He was and is very different from any one else I was dating or had ever been in a relationship with. We have never had so much fun with a partner in our lives. It's scary how well weer get along and how much fun we have.

teb, I am not familiar with that book, but in Dr Harley's book he identifies different approaches to marriage and then he helps them CHANGE the destructive approaches. Here are his descriptions - and folks who live together are renters/freeloaders by definition:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Sounds like you weren't ready for marriage and now you are.

Of course change happens!



This is rather sweet. I think he is very invested in you - to the point his philosophy on marriage even changed to match yours!

Date him and give it time. Typically it is the woman who sets the bar and the man rises to it. So just learn about MB, apply the principles and see if he follows suit.

What you're going to want to see is his voluntarily making time to be around you rather than having to because you live where he lives. That's a habit you want to see him bring into marriage.

I will stick around to see what I can apply to salvage this relationship. He has said that he will come over often. I need to be careful in that he does not live here while paying rent on the other side of town. I will be back wih my questions from the article