JenDee,

It seems you have symptoms of PTSD. I'm not saying you have PTSD because I am not a doctor that can make that diagnosis. I'm just saying it seems like you have symptoms both you and your husband can care for now and rather then react to as you did at the time of the initial trauma w/vigilance, create a plan for yourself and a plan involving your husband to replace the repetitive maneuvers. Really I'm talking about drilling down and finding a routine you perform alone and a routine with your husband likely each day as a sort of step-down from the vigilance. It can be part of your UA time with your husband and your own self care for you.

It seems you are building up anxiety by operating from an extreme. To help, say you set a step down schedule to snoop. To start you schedule yourself to snoop one time per week and only take 5 minutes. Do this for one month and reduce the snooping schedule to twice per month the second month and so on. Eventually establish a once per quarter check up if all goes well.

To counter the hyper-alert state and the sense this activity gives you the sense the shoe will drop again at any moment if you don't use vigilance----practice gratitude with the same vigilance forces.

I'm not saying you don't confront your husband in terms of lying if the situation warrants specific action as a direct result of a breach in EP's. I'm just concerned you have this generalized fearful frame of mind that is leaving you to constantly look for the shoe that has dropped.

Like others are saying---- or the essence of what others are saying here and I maybe just putting it out there differently, that in order to clear up your generalized anxiety you need to identify precisely what you are fearful of. Members here are suggesting you are too close in proximity to the OW, you need to close the loop and have a poly done, you both still have triggers, lovebusters, your bringing up the A, and so on. Members are asking questions so you can be specific. If you can get specific you can address the anxiety concretely and the anxiety does not have to control you.

Again it is important to identify clearly what you are fearful of because there is little you can do with generalized fear. If you can be specific, you can address the fear directly and perhaps add an extraordinary precaution as are being suggested here. And if all necessary precautions are in place and while it can be good to imagine the loss of things and relationships that are important in our lives, it does not help to dwell there. So this is where the vigilant gratitude can help you.

Why not contact Dr Harley on the radio show or have a coaching meeting with Steve Harley in order to help you hone down the specific sources of your anxiety?

Hi Graceful-Thank you. That was very helpful. I just did some quick reading on PTSD...will do more later when I have more time. But my initial thought is you may have hit the nail on the head. I understand one can only be diagnosed by a professional/in person, but what I am reading about PTSD sounds like my life right now.

I have had one small success that I did forget to mention. I have completely stopped talking about the A. One day it dawned on me that every time I bring it up, I'm essentially bringing HER up. I told myself that if I remind my H of the EA, I am also bringing her into his mind. Thinking of it from that angle made me never want to bring it up again. So far it's working.

You are 100% correct that right now I have a generalized fear of the other shoe dropping. That is exactly how I feel. And I hate it. Our new relationship is everything I have asked for and I fear (another anxiety point) than I am going to ruin it. Why can't I just enjoy it and deal with a problem if/when it comes up?

This is really good food for thought. I'm going to think this over for a few days and see if I can get past this huge blanket of general fear that he's going to hurt me again and see if I can pinpoint the exact things I fear. I agree a call to the radio show or a session with Steve H might help with that.

I agree that I need to step down the checking and snooping. I have found nothing in a year and half. A once a week check should be more than sufficient. Finding a way to deal with this wall of fear while I'm not checking is the hard part. If you have any thoughts of specific steps to do to practice vigilant gratitude, I'd love to hear them.

Thanks.

Hi JD,
I'm at work now but when I get home I'll reply with a few potential ideas. I'm glad you are receptive to calling Dr H (radio) or SH (coaching)!

Thank goodness your husband is adopting MB. Don't worry about a diagnosis. I was told I had symptoms of PTSD and just knowing this helped me understand my dilemma and helped me treat myself with care and patience.

Hi again JenDee,
Don't you think handling bad stuff that might happen through excess worry is a habit? I too struggled here under the dilemma that if I ignored or did not monitor I was not following MB and being too trusting. After all Dr H says not to trust our spouses and check up on 'em. Of course this is what needs to be done because the betrayed spouse needs to understand the specifics and deal courageously w/the threat. Still, after the initial crisis is over and recovery has progressed you can operate in a way you aren't activating your fight and flight response due to a threat. You already appreciate now if you perpetuate the reactivity of the threat from OW, you place her back into your life like a halogram which is offensive to your marriage.

For me, my generalized anxiety brews out of avoiding my own reality. Not finding the specific cause of my generalized anxiety. In a sense the GA can be helpful. A red flag. Time to sort things out.


Like you, I get curious (you looked up PTSD) and I start searching. Probably why I found this site years ago.

-I pray or meditate.
-Find scripture that might specifically address state of fear
-Come to MB and read/post and listen to radio show
-watch a funny movie
-Go for a walk and appreciate nature
-brainstorm activities with husband using POJA ---increases compatability
-write down three things everyday you are thankful for, especially regarding your husband.
-you need to advise your husband of his lovebusters even when he is doing well attempting to deposit LU. Otherwise you will feel threatened and remain withdrawn from anxiety.

And I'd suggest setting limits on your worry time.

Hi All-I could use some advice on how to handle something that's happened.

I did a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion that it isn't so much infidelity happening again that I am so stressed about. Prior to the EA, my H had issues with being honest with me. I think when I'm snooping I'm more afraid that I will find evidence of dishonesty in general, as that was a pattern with him, versus cheating, which was a one-time event.

I think that while I do have some PTSD type symptoms and have been worrying excessively, that there was also a legit feeling in my gut that something was still not right with our relationship.

And then it happened. At first I thought it was dishonesty, now I'm not sure if it's so much dishonesty as Independent Behavior. Whatever is, it was a major love buster.

I have never been 100% on board with my H's job. It's a complicated situation, but basically he/we have agreed that he will work for a small business for very little money. In return, when the owner retires or dies, we will inherit the business at no cost. The owner has never put this in writing though and in general has not proven himself to be a trustworthy person. My H works very hard six days a week trying to make this business run in the hopes it will truly be ours some day while the owner takes all of the profits and works very little. He takes so much of the money coming into the business that my H has a hard time paying the bills and keeping the thing afloat. There are times when we haven't been paid. I feel like we always come last when it comes to this business.

My H works very hard and I believe his intentions are good...he's trying to end up with a viable business that we will operate together some day. But we are 40 years old and have nothing in writing saying this will actually happen. I feel a bit taken advantage of personally because I work a job that pays very well and I feel like the owner knows that and feels he can get away with barely paying my H anything.

The other morning he casually mentioned "I'll get that $650 back into the checking account today". I said "What $650?". He said "I loaned it to the business for a few days, I know I told you". He did not tell me and admitted so after a few minutes. Logged onto our banking site and saw that our checking account was very low. Even though we have an agreement that we always discuss any money coming out of our accounts together, he took a check from the checkbook without discussing it with me, wrote it out to his boss (I was able to verify that...it definitely went to his boss, not an OW or anything like that) and didn't say a word to me about it, even though he knows full well that our bills are paid out of that account and there might not be enough money in it. He said that the business's account was over-drafted and his boss asked him to cover it for a few days until he could get the money.

I have a feeling there is more to it than that...my H has never felt before that he needed to personally put our own money into the business even though the business account has been low before. But that is the story I got and I can't find any evidence that anything else is going on.

The money was paid back to us within a day or two, like he said, but to me, that isn't the point.

I asked him why he didn't feel he could come talk to me about it and he said he supposed it was because I would "react badly". He apologized and I could tell he really felt bad. He promised it wouldn't happen again, from this point out, we'd do everything as a team. Sounds good, but I thought we'd already established that months ago. But this has been a pattern in our relationship...he either tells me what I want to hear regardless of what is really happening or just avoids difficult subjects at all and/or lies about them.

I really do love this man and want to make a life with him. He says he is on board with MB concepts like POJA, etc..., but when things like this happen, I'm not sure if he's just saying the words I want to hear or if he really is on board and just made a mistake.

What is the best way to handle this? I tend to overreact to things and while I wouldn't call my reactions angry outbursts (at least not anymore...before the EA they were), but I cry and get upset and I think that makes him defensive instead of encouraging him to open up and talk to me.

Thanks for listening and any advice anyone has.

Years ago, my great uncle owned a medium size business that was going under.
he convinced several employees (back in the 1960's) to personally invest $10 - $20K apiece...to become part owners.

A couple weeks later, the doors closed!

The business he works for is bankrupt, it is a corpse that hasnt been buried yet.

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on the Policy of Joint Agreement and Financial conflicts?

Here's one: http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5023_qa.html

Jedi-I am not disagreeing at all.

I think my H has put so much of his blood, sweat and tears into it, he still sees it as alive, not the corpse it is. I think he also has some personal devotion to the owner...devotion that I tend to think is misguided, but he feels it none-the-less.

I guess I'm looking for the best way to handle it. To encourage him to discuss it with me instead of making decisions about it without my input. The more I think about it, the more I fear I'm coming across as demanding and disrespectful with my attitude towards it. I think this has been a pattern with us on many different subjects...if I hear something I don't like, I freak out. Which reinforces his tendency to lie or IB.

Thanks, Jedi. I have read the POJA stuff and I thought H was on board with that. I have not read the financial specific information and will do so.