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There is a model parallel parenting court agreement in the thread; from the state of Indiana

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SFL
I agree- though currently, in CA fighting for full, sole custody is expensive and usually just happens if the parent is on drugs, abusive, etc. I think his main desire for this is "control." He wants me to need to consult with him regarding educational decisions, etc. The physical custody is not going to happen but the joint legal custody probably will. Silly because I did EVERYTHING (and he trusted and encouraged this) when it came to finding the best classes (extra curricular), preschools, schools, etc. But now, all of a sudden he wants to have a say.... I will talk to my lawyer about this for sure.

Be sure and explain to your lawyer that you will be in Plan B, so any communication will have to be handled via an IM. That will take away your H's ability to control you. He will do everything to FORCE you to interact with him directly and will drive you crazy unless you are prepared to defend your Plan B.


There are so many upsides to Plan B but one of the major ones is it takes away any possibility of the wayward using this as a bargaining chip. I don't know if legally you will be forced to agree educational decisions with him, but in Plan B it will be no more arduous than your IM, saying: "These are a list of the schools SFL is considering - please make known any objections or preferences" or words to that effect. If he screws you around or fails to make a decision, you have it in writing that you tried but he failed.

After a bit of this, they give up. See, in his mind 'input' means coming around, being offered a glas of wine, being able to guilt-dump some blame on you or to play nice enough to suggest reconcilliation and 'getting a room'. They see 'input' as 'keeping my options open'.

When having 'input' simply means being emailed about decisions they have no interest in making, they will give up hoping for the glass of wine and a chat (which no court will ever order you to do!) and wave through all your decisons.

Do lean on your lawyer to get you the most control he can get you though. Even if something is more expensive to set up initially, it might still work out cheaper than having to go back to the lawyers continually in future years because you can't agree or he is being purposefully difficult.

Last edited by indiegirl; 06/05/14 03:04 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Wow- this is all so helpful. Thanks yet again. A couple of current issues/questions:
1) Facebook- Do I "block" him, defriend him or start a whole new page?
He has 94 mutual friends so he might be able to see things through those friends...
2) Child phone call. Right now lawyer suggested that I offer Saturday during the day and a phone call to our 6 year old at 7pm on tues and thursday. Basically he is "blocked" from my phone at all other times, then, just before 7pm on tues and thursday I unblock him hand the phone to 6 year old and have him answer and hang up.
3) His family. I am pretty hurt that none of his immediate family (mom, sister, and brother) have reached out to at least see how I was doing. But, WH is very convincing and they all probably just care that he is "happy." I would really like to "block" them too (his sister lives down the street- so he could check her facebook when he's in town) Or is that too childish? The fact that they are supporting a lying, cheating wayward makes me wish I could keep my kids from them as well but I know that won't be possible.
- I still need to read through the parallel parenting thread- is their a specific IM description I can give to my father? He's doing an ok job but sometimes he says too much or adds his own 2 cents like last time WH sas being a jerk in response to my business like text, my dad/IM said "You HURT SFL...." etc.


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Originally Posted by SFL
Wow- this is all so helpful. Thanks yet again. A couple of current issues/questions:
1) Facebook- Do I "block" him, defriend him or start a whole new page?
He has 94 mutual friends so he might be able to see things through those friends...

You might want to shut down that page and start up a new page of people who are not mutual friends with him. Either that or just delete the account.

Quote
2) Child phone call. Right now lawyer suggested that I offer Saturday during the day and a phone call to our 6 year old at 7pm on tues and thursday. Basically he is "blocked" from my phone at all other times, then, just before 7pm on tues and thursday I unblock him hand the phone to 6 year old and have him answer and hang up.

Why not buy him a little pre-paid phone from Walmart so your H can call him any time?

Quote
3) His family. I am pretty hurt that none of his immediate family (mom, sister, and brother) have reached out to at least see how I was doing. But, WH is very convincing and they all probably just care that he is "happy." I would really like to "block" them too (his sister lives down the street- so he could check her facebook when he's in town) Or is that too childish? The fact that they are supporting a lying, cheating wayward makes me wish I could keep my kids from them as well but I know that won't be possible.

If they are not supporting you, I would quietly back away. They can see your kids when they are with your H.

Quote
- I still need to read through the parallel parenting thread- is their a specific IM description I can give to my father? He's doing an ok job but sometimes he says too much or adds his own 2 cents like last time WH sas being a jerk in response to my business like text, my dad/IM said "You HURT SFL...." etc.

You are not texting your husband NOW, are you? Ask your dad to act as a neutral party who is only a SPAM filter. He should only pass on pertinent information about finances or child matters. IN HIS OWN WORDS. And you should not be sending your husband messages either.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I would just drop off facebook right now.

You don't have to have it.

Call friends on the phone. Other people don't really count.

Get the child a prepaid cell phone and have the intermediary give the number to your H to communicate directly with them.

Your Dad is free to say whatever he wants to WH.

One thing you will discover is that you can only control yourself. You don't need to tell people anything other than that you feel very hurt by them if you are.

"Your decision to back adultery is noted" is one of my favorite MB lines by a poster here (whoever knows who it is.....give credit please!)


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I have to have a FB page because of a community Mom's group I am a Board Member of. We use FB for our group page and our Executive Board page.
Also, my mother, is on FB and loves looking back at all our old photos, Kids videos, etc. that will be tough on her that she can't do that from time to time....
But I get it and think I need to figure out how to make that work.


Great idea about phone- will do that this weekend


Nope, not texting WH at all now. But he texted my dad again saying "can we please just save money by doing mediation." And I explained to my dad very to the point what we were doing. My dad sent to him. Ok- my dad's own words- I will tell him that. Thank You.

Last edited by SFL; 06/05/14 09:18 PM.

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Originally Posted by reading
One thing you will discover is that you can only control yourself. You don't need to tell people anything other than that you feel very hurt by them if you are.

"Your decision to back adultery is noted" is one of my favorite MB lines by a poster here (whoever knows who it is.....give credit please!)

I love that!


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Originally Posted by SFL
I still need to read through the parallel parenting thread- is their a specific IM description I can give to my father? He's doing an ok job but sometimes he says too much or adds his own 2 cents like last time WH sas being a jerk in response to my business like text, my dad/IM said "You HURT SFL...." etc.

Relatives usually dont make good IM's.
They are too personally invested.

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Originally Posted by SFL
I have to have a FB page because of a community Mom's group I am a Board Member of. We use FB for our group page and our Executive Board page.
Also, my mother, is on FB and loves looking back at all our old photos, Kids videos, etc. that will be tough on her that she can't do that from time to time....
But I get it and think I need to figure out how to make that work.


Great idea about phone- will do that this weekend

Open up a new facebook page for only your mom's group then. I don't think you realize how relaxed this will help you feel.

I opened a shutterfly account for my family (they all live very far away). In it, you can ask the family you are close to join your "page" where you can post pictures, videos, and even leave messages just like facebook. It works great! When they love a picture, they can just order it from there as well. Anyhow, my family loves it and it offer's protections that facebook can or will not.

Having the kids have their own phone for calls to the ex is also a great relief to you! Can even check out freedom pop.



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"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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So we are two weeks in to Plan B with very specific instructions that he will get the kids all day saturday and call son Tues and thursday 7pm. WH just texted (at 4:30pm Friday night) our IM and said "can I help put the kids down tonight?" Of course the answer is No. But it just got me thinking that I am sure WH believes that "in time" (a few months?) I'll be less "hurt" and that we would indeed occasionally do this. NO WAY of course but, should I explain this to him? Should I let him know (through IM) that we will be doing Parallel parenting and will never "co-parent?" Or do I just ignore the text or say "No"?


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*double post

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 06/06/14 06:08 PM.
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That message should not have gotten through to you as it is outside the parameters of your Plan B letter. So the answer is to ignore it and reiterating to your I'M what get passed along and what doesn't.


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
That message should not have gotten through to you as it is outside the parameters of your Plan B letter. So the answer is to ignore it and reiterating to your I'M what get passed along and what doesn't.

Rocketqueen- thank you. Ok I guess I missed some details. So tell IM to not pass along any messages that aren't urgent? Do I tell IM to just ignore it as well? Or should IM respond to him saying that it is outside Plan B letter parameters so he won't pass it along? Thank you. Will ignore if he tries this again for sure.

Other iffy things that have gotten by:
- I did not know the administrator password on our kid's computer so I asked IM to ask WH. (should I have done that?)
- WH asked IM to ask me if we could "please mediate to save money." I answered to IM "No."
Should I just ignore or tell IM to ignore or tell IM to just say "please don't text unless it is urgent."?
Thanks for answering the specifics- I'd like to get this right!

Last edited by SFL; 06/06/14 11:36 PM.

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Originally Posted by SFL
So we are two weeks in to Plan B with very specific instructions that he will get the kids all day saturday and call son Tues and thursday 7pm. WH just texted (at 4:30pm Friday night) our IM and said "can I help put the kids down tonight?" Of course the answer is No. But it just got me thinking that I am sure WH believes that "in time" (a few months?) I'll be less "hurt" and that we would indeed occasionally do this. NO WAY of course but, should I explain this to him? Should I let him know (through IM) that we will be doing Parallel parenting and will never "co-parent?" Or do I just ignore the text or say "No"?

Ask your IM to not send you messages like this. The IM should say to him:

"Please refer to SFL's letter regarding contact. It is her wish that there be no direct contact. Since this is not in the parameters of her letter I won't be passing this along to her."

And where is your H taking the kids for his visitation?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SFL
[
Other iffy things that have gotten by:
- I did not know the administrator password on our kid's computer so I asked IM to ask WH. (should I have done that?)

I would have tried to figure this out on your own and only asked as a very last resort.

Quote
- WH asked IM to ask me if we could "please mediate to save money." I answered to IM "No."

Any legal questions like this, the IM should say "SFL has requested that all legal questions be addressed to her attorney, MR BullDog @ XXX-XXX-XXXX." And then your IM should never tell you about this communication.





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And where is your H taking the kids for his visitation?

He's just taking them out for the day- swimming if the weather is nice or to his sister's house.


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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
And where is your H taking the kids for his visitation?

He's just taking them out for the day- swimming if the weather is nice or to his sister's house.

So he is asking you to come to his sisters home to "put the kids down?" Where are they sleeping?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I am referring to this comment:

Originally Posted by SFL
WH just texted (at 4:30pm Friday night) our IM and said "can I help put the kids down tonight?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I took that request to be about putting the kids to bed Fri night whereas the visit is set for Saturday.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I am referring to this comment:

Originally Posted by SFL
WH just texted (at 4:30pm Friday night) our IM and said "can I help put the kids down tonight?"

Or is he asking to come to your home and do this with you?

In that case, I would emphasize that your IM should not pass those types of messages to you.

How are you handling the child exchanges without seeing him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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