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Originally Posted by redheadedlady
He also told me he is going to pay part of the bills because he got his social security check yesterday. I totally did not expect that, I figured he would be telling me he could not pay anything because he had to get his car fixed.

Even if he does follow through and pay part of the bills...well good...he owes you much more than that. He could be trying to suck you in as well...see I gave you $xxx...as if that makes up for anything. Sorry but I wouldn't look at paying part of the bills as necessarily a good will gesture. Keep your guard up.

Quote
He also told me that his daughter thinks he is wrong for treating me and the kids the way he has done and that she agrees with me on almost everything. She came to stay with us for a week while he was recovering from surgery and saw first hand what it was like. She kept asking me why I would put up with him.

Sounds like the daughter has his number and it says a lot.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by redheadedlady
I packed up my husbands clothes tonight and even held a couple of his shirts close to me just to smell his scent. This is a little harder than I thought it would be. Tomorrow I will pack up his den and a few more things from our bedroom.

Oh, I'm so sorry. This is a difficult time.
I went through something similar and it was the most difficult time of my life. I remember smelling my wifes clothes she left behind, trying to find some lingering life left.

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Originally Posted by redheadedlady
Hubby called today and we had a long conversation which is what I expected since he is planning to be back by the 14th to get his stuff. He also told me he is going to pay part of the bills because he got his social security check yesterday. I totally did not expect that, I figured he would be telling me he could not pay anything because he had to get his car fixed..


How pathetic. Even though you are holding your cards close, he must be getting a very strong whiff of strength from your direction - not to mention a very strong 'not welcome' signal where he is staying. Yet these little crumbs he has tossed your way are the best he can do. Cash he owes you and then some, and saying that someone else thinks he can do better. Not that he thinks that, mind.

Originally Posted by redheadedlady
My hubby is staying with his son and his son's new girlfriend. When I spoke to hubby today he told me that he thinks that his son's girlfriend resents him being there. My thought is that she probably does, she had just moved in one week prior to my hubby's arrival..


Just think of what he is going to cost them too. He is like an old man of the sea - you must feel so much lighter!

It's probably best for her she experiences her boyfriend's lack of care sooner rather than later. It was foolish of her to move in at all if this is what she can expect - but as Dr H says a non married couple don't really owe each other anything and tend to make very short term, unworkable decisions.

Originally Posted by redheadedlady
My counselor asked me last night if there was anybody that I knew that was for our relationship or for my hubby. I sat there and thought for a minute and told her no.


This is something Dr H tells everyone to do -ask people in your circle what they think before committing to someone. They are bound to be more objective.

Originally Posted by redheadedlady
We don't have spousal support here that I know of, besides he is on disability and I don't think anybody will touch it. Plus, I started banking part of my salary when I became suspicious that he was up to something. I will be ok financially as long as I am careful with my money.

My grocery bill has already gone down substantially since he has been gone. I think my electric bill will go down too. He used to keep his game system and lights on in the den 24/7. He would also leave the exterior door open so he could have more sunlight in the winter when the furnace was running and in the summer when the AC was on.

.


Why not? It wasn't his hard earned money.

I think your H is on the verge of disaster and he sees you as a nice little comfy back up plan when things go sour - which they will, fast. However he isn't someone who will change, not even when the need for change trips him up and smacks his head. If I were you I would file and cut off contact before he gets to the point where he starts harassing you to take him back into freeloading heaven.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Redheadedlady,

I can see the finish line for you. Don't lose focus, this man is a pro at what he does which is gaslighting after all he fooled you and you don't seem like a woman easily fooled.

Take the massage from his DD as a sign that you are heading in the right direction. He's son may try to convince you soon to take him back so he can get him out of his life. When that happens consider that a big sign you are heading the right direction.

Make sure he spend no time alone with you on the 14th. And I would make sure he knows that before he shows up so that he is prepared and so you can make sure you are prepared for him if you since he might become violent. You don't want to find that out on the day of. He can use his SS to pay for his room and board while he gets ready to head back to TX.


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Life,

I will be fine, I still have the occasional weak moment but they are getting fewer as the days pass. I also have not cried in 3 days. Everytime I start to feel weepy, I remind myself of what the last few years have been like.

I have a plan in place. I am taking all of his stuff to a storage unit this weekend. My kids are very supportive and said they would be at the house when he starts back this way. My sons are all over 6' tall and they would not let anybody physically harm me. Plus, I am going to give our local sheriff's department a call to let them know what is happening.

Like I said, I will be fine.


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Okay, I need some information. My hubby is coming back next week to get his belongings. I have heard through mutual friends that he intends to take some things that belong me.

I have 2 VW sandrails that he took to a place he used to work a couple of years ago telling me that he was going to fix them up. If anybody knows anything about assembled VWs, the ID numbers are not traditionally on the dash in a sandrail. I have a legal title in my name for one of them and I can produce a canceled check for the other one. My concern is that the place he used to work won't let me remove the cars because the people there are friends of his. Any advice?


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I would call or go into the local police department for that city (where they are garaged) and see if an officer can go with you to retrieve them. Bring the title and canceled ck. If police will not go, file a police report that they have been stolen. Ask the police what your remedies you have.

I wouldn't even let your WH into your house or on your property.

Last edited by black_raven; 06/05/14 06:53 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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He will not be coming to my home. The mortgage is in my name only and I have owned this place for 22 years. My son and I changed the locks and installed deadbolts on the house doors already. My boss came out today and installed a new steel door on my garage with new locks and a deadbolt.


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Originally Posted by redheadedlady
. I have heard through mutual friends that he intends to take some things that belong me.


Wow, he really does see you as his very own all you can eat buffet doesn't he? He's in for a shock, you've grown leaps and bounds in strength since you first showed up here. It's nice to meet you Red!

Originally Posted by redheadedlady
My concern is that the place he used to work won't let me remove the cars because the people there are friends of his. Any advice?


It's doubtful he's able to keep hold of a friend's good will for that long. I would also be in doubt as to a) whether he paid them for the work (because why do they still have them?) and b) whether he took them 'to get fixed' at all - he probably sold them and kept the cash without telling you.

I would call them up and ask them what the deal is. I wouldn't reveal anything about your separation, I'd just ask when you can come get your property that your H left with them. Then let them tell you what's happening. You may get a totally different version of events.

If it's as your H said, and they do get funny about your reclaiming the items, report them as stolen and show up with your proof of ownership and a police officer.


Last edited by indiegirl; 06/06/14 03:03 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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One of my friends told me that if I am concerned at all that he may hurt me or my kids, then I should just let him have whatever he wants. I don't agree.

She also said that our male mutual friend that said my hubby gave him permission to have sex with me, might be lying. That maybe he is just trying to get in my pants. I don't think so, this person has always been the perfect gentleman and he is very interested in my single friend.

I am just so hurt and offended by my hubby. I am also very angry. I am one of the nicest people that you would ever want to meet unless you cross me.


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I had a wonderful day today. We had my youngest son's graduation party and had lots of family and friends show up. The laughter was contagious. My sister and I were telling so many stories about things we did while we were growing up and the kids couldn't stop laughing.


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Yeah! clap


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I got up today and went to a new church with my friend. I almost didn't go because I was tired from yesterday and not feeling well. But I started thinking that I want to get closer to God and my friend and I had decided to visit several local churches to find our church home...so, I got dressed and we went.

Then this afternoon my son and I went to another graduation party for a friend. We visited with the family and a good time.

My son called (the one that recently had my new grandson) and asked if I would like to babysit for a few hours while they went to a movie. I said I would love to. My grandson is such a little cutie and I love seeing him.

All in all, a pretty good day.


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RedHeaded, You're amazing!!!


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
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Redheaded,

You have such a great future ahead of you. You are a remarkable woman!

AM


BW - 65
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That's great.
Church is an important part of my life and my three kids.

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I kept questioning about how I could get closer to God, I prayed about it. I had 3 different people on separate occasions tell me to go to church...just out of the blue, we weren't even talking about religion. I thought God is talking, maybe I should listen.

I have always been amazed by the fact that when I have a worry or concern and I go to church, then almost invariably the sermon will speak to my problem.


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Originally Posted by redheadedlady
One of my friends told me that if I am concerned at all that he may hurt me or my kids, then I should just let him have whatever he wants. I don't agree..


Love this.

Originally Posted by redheadedlady
One of my friends told me that if I am concerned at all that he may hurt me or my kids, then I should just let him have whatever he wants. I don't agree.

She also said that our male mutual friend that said my hubby gave him permission to have sex with me, might be lying. That maybe he is just trying to get in my pants. I don't think so, this person has always been the perfect gentleman and he is very interested in my single friend.

I am just so hurt and offended by my hubby. I am also very angry. I am one of the nicest people that you would ever want to meet unless you cross me.


It's right to be wary of male motives during such a vulnerable time, but there's no real reason to think badly of this guy. Just keep high boundaries with every man while married and you'll be fine. What he's said isn't totally unbelievable. Does your friend appear to be in your H's corner?

All the grief emotions will present themselves in spite of his leaving being more of a gain than a loss. When we let go of a vision, you will grieve it. Eventually you will be totally indifferent.

I'm so glad to hear your life is happy.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I want everybody to understand that I do still love my husband. I also keep in mind how truly bad things have been between us for the last couple of years. I listen closely to everything he says when we talk.

He would tell me before he left that once he was in Texas that he would be better able to take care of his needs. He would blame me and my kids for all the stress he was under and for not being able to take care of his own needs (checking his blood sugar, eating correctly, etc),

Now he is blaming his circumstances there. He doesn't have enough time...even though he is still doing the same thing there that he did here...playing video games and watching movies all day. He says that his son's girlfriend resents him, that she wants to spend all her time with his son. That she is needy and resents any time that his son spends with him. That she purposely has his son go out with her just to keep his son away from him. He says that once he has his own place that he will be better able to take care of himself. Still blaming everything and everybody else for what he does.

He also received his social security check on the 3rd for over $1500 and 4 days later he was down to $400, he has never figured out how to manage money...he told me that once he was in Texas, that he would be better able to do that because he would be on his own.

He is still planning on coming back here sometime in a week or so...I guess he thinks he can move in here again for a month and have me pay his bills and buy his cigarettes...he is going to be very surprised when it does not happen. He hasn't even bothered to ask me, he just makes the assumption that he can continue to sponge off of me.

I keep hoping that someday he might wise up and get a clue as to what the constant is in all his complaints about everybody else...himself.


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This post is an excellent description of a freeloader. It is good that you recognize these behaviors. Keep your resolve!

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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