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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
How are you handling the child exchanges without seeing him?

He WAS indeed asking to come to our home and do this WITH me.

The set up is a bit difficult right now because our 1 year old naps every day from 12 to 3 and my WH is choosing to not get a place for the kids to sleep over night. He is choosing to pay for a hotel Friday night and Saturday night.
He gets to see the kids during the day Saturday ONLY (no overnights)
Right now, at 9am our IM gets the kids from me/the house and brings them down to meet WH outside in front of our building. WH takes both kids for the morning. Then a babysitter (who has a key) gets our 1 year old in front of our building at NOON from WH and brings her up to nap. She stays and babysits in our place while WH spends time wherever (today they went Kayaking) from 12 to 4.Then at 4, WH comes back to meet babysitter in front of our building and takes both kids to dinner, returning to our IM in front of our building at 6:30pm. (I need to be home at 6pm but am inside so WH and I don't see eachother.)

It's a bit of a pain but it's the only way I could think of so that WH could have the kids for the day and our 1 year old could take a proper nap. WH is responsible for paying the babysitter from 12 to 4 because he is choosing to not have a place to properly nap the kids.

Unfortunately, today, I was trying my best to get home before WH was there to drop kids and drove into garage at 6:10pm I saw him (and the kids and wH's sister) and had to drive past them because they were walking around the neighborhood at that time. I didn't make eye contact with him and just drove on by. He wasn't supposed to be there until 6:30 so I need to figure out a way to avoid this in the future.

Bought a prepaid phone today. smile

Today was hard. Everything is really hitting me and it's just so so heartbreaking. I don't like that WH has his sister to help him with the ONE DAY he gets with the kids (she never made an effort to spend time with them before this) but I know there is nothing I can do about that. I am just doing this all by myself and it hurt to see wH and another woman (even if it was his sister/their aunt) with the two kids because they looked more like a family unit then just myself with the two kids. And I just feel like it's going to be WH and his family (his sis, bro, and mom) providing more "family" then I can because I don't have anyone. (My father is not very "warm and fuzzy" and is very distant).

Last edited by SFL; 06/07/14 10:34 PM.

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I feel for u, SFL. My WH also has his mom to help him, and they r more like family. When I'm out with kids, sometimes it's very sad that just myself, the mom with two very young kids. Every sighting of loving wholesome family make me sad. This is just life. We have to deal with pain.


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Originally Posted by SFL
[
It's a bit of a pain but it's the only way I could think of so that WH could have the kids for the day and our 1 year old could take a proper nap. WH is responsible for paying the babysitter from 12 to 4 because he is choosing to not have a place to properly nap the kids.

SFL, this is something I would stop doing for him. When he has the children, it is up to HIM to get a nap for the little one. He has chosen to be a single dad by his actions and the sooner he figures out these problems the better. This is not rocket science. Let him manage this issue and don't do it for him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Have IM tell him all kids go together. That the one year old will not get a second pickup on his visitation.

He will eventually need to get his lodging together to make it work.

BTW, a one year old CAN nap in a hotel room. You don't need to brainstorm parenting solutions for him. He is a big boy.

You must be clear about this with yourself. You are an amazing woman who is dealing with a, yes, heartbreaking situation. You be the best Mom you can be but that doesn't mean letting the children's father USE your love for them to keep his status quo as a wayward husband who has a good wifey making it easier for him.

He wants his foot in the door (and you kind of want it there too.....totally normal).










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SFL,
Stop telling yourself that you are not a wholesome family unit with your children. You are their champion, hero, protector. You are the stable loving parent they can count on.
I agree, nap time during visits should be WH problem to solve on his own. Let the consequences of his choices fall freely upon his head. The more he discovers how much he depended upon you to meet his needs the better. He should be discovering how chaotic and difficult his wayward life will be at every turn.

What kind of hotel is it that he cannot use the room during the daytime when he is staying the night before and the night after? Sounds like a no-tell hotel with rates by the hour. His excuse for bringing the baby home early sounds fishy to me. He's up to something!


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Ok- I hear you all loud and clear. I am definitely a "nap is uber important" type of mommy (always in crib never in car or stroller) so this is tough for me but I do understand he needs to figure it out. And I will let IM know of this change asap. Thank you for the suggestion- makes sense.

It's actually a decent hotel (my son pointed it our when we drove by) and he has been unable to crash at his sisters because she has a dog and he is allergic.

WH is so all over the place. When he wants to get "ugly" he has threatened me saying that he'll fight to get the kids 3 weekends a month and one night during the week. (hows that going to happen when he works in Utah 5 days a week?)
But, he is unwilling to get a place of his own so the kids can sleep over. His excuses:
1) I want the kids to sleep in their own beds
2) I can't afford to get a 2 bedroom AND pay for the place you are staying.
When in actuality I think it's because
1) He wants to be able to do whatever he wants at night
2) He kind of likes the "control" he has of me knowing that I don't have a whole overnight to myself.
3) I honestly think he really doesn't want to be a "Dad" anymore He's had a taste of "single life" with this job and he wants more of it.

Either way, I'm not going to push for an overnight because I think it will help me fare better in the divorce. How on earth is he going to get the kids 3 weekends a month if he's not even pushing for one night a week right now?
*The latest from my son is that "daddy wants to get a boat and sleep there." (we live near a marina) ha!





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Please, please advise. My WH just sent me this via email.

"I was thinking about our family and wanted to see photos. You took down your Facebook page and my life vanished.

You have everything. I have nothing. Everything I love is where you are.
I am in a wasteland.

I know what I have done is terrible and hurtful. I know that you hate me.
I know that you have to do this to move on.

We fight so viciously, that we leave nothing behind. We destroy our enemies. I destroyed you. You are destroying me.

It can't be like this. I still love you & our children. You are still my best friend and most trusted advisor.
I want to support you in any way I can. I want to do more, for you and the kids.

I don't want to fight through lawyers. Let's talk. Let's try.
Please.

You have everything. I have nothing.

You have all of the power, hold all of the cards.

I have stopped trying to reach you, as you have requested. But I don't want to give up on our friendship.

Please.
WH


BS
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He also sent another email:
Hey,
I would like to do something for July 4th week and maybe something this summer.

Would you allow me to take DS to Legoland? Maybe Monday / Tuesday?

I would take you and DD too if you wanted. 3 rooms. Separate cars. Your call.

One of the weeks DS does not have camp I'd take the week off and do stuff with him. Take a drive. Something. Just us. Just family.

I would take you and DD too if you wanted. Even for a day or night or something.

Something. Your call. Your rules.

I just want time with you guys.
WH


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Don't respond to either.

Did he send this via your IM?

If so, your IM needs training.

BTW....he is the one who has everything. A wife and kids at a home he helped create and a secret second life he helped create.
You just have the remnants of the marital life that he chose to step from.

He didn't think about the consequences when he chose to do it.

Reality is tough.

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Originally Posted by reading
Don't respond to either.

Did he send this via your IM?

If so, your IM needs training.

No he emailed me.

I have to update the Plan B with two things:
1) I'd like him to call the phone number of the prepaid phone I just bought instead of my phone.
2) I'd like to let him know that nap on Saturday is now his to figure out and he won't be bring her back to my place anymore.

Should I re-send the Plan B letter with the new points highlighted in Red or should I have IM text him?



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Originally Posted by SFL
Please, please advise. My WH just sent me this via email.

"I was thinking about our family and wanted to see photos. You took down your Facebook page and my life vanished.

You have everything. I have nothing. Everything I love is where you are.
I am in a wasteland.

I know what I have done is terrible and hurtful. I know that you hate me.
I know that you have to do this to move on.

We fight so viciously, that we leave nothing behind. We destroy our enemies. I destroyed you. You are destroying me.

It can't be like this. I still love you & our children. You are still my best friend and most trusted advisor.
I want to support you in any way I can. I want to do more, for you and the kids.

I don't want to fight through lawyers. Let's talk. Let's try.
Please.

You have everything. I have nothing.

You have all of the power, hold all of the cards.

I have stopped trying to reach you, as you have requested. But I don't want to give up on our friendship.

Please.
WH

SFL!! How are you getting these emails if you are in Plan B?? Go right now and cancel that email account. Forward the email to your IM and have him email your WS with this:

WS, your emails are not being read by SFL but are being bounced to me. In the future please email me if you want to get a message to her or she will not get the message. She will be cancelling that email account today. Thanks, SFL's father


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Nope. YOU do not send an addendum to the Plan B letter.

You have your IM do the following:

send an email (so that there is a record that can be kept of your reasonable cooperation in his parenting rights) Ask the IM to keep a file of emails in case you need to provide them during the divorce settlement hearings.

Have it something like this:

Subject: Intermediary- Children visitation

SFL requests that you pick up all the children on your visitation and see to the one year old's nap on your own. This way she won't need to go back and forth during the visitation to minimize disruption for the visitation.

The children have a new phone number where you can reach them from now on ###-###-####. This is effective immediately.

Thank you,

IM







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WS, your emails are not being read by SFL but are being bounced to me and deleted. In the future please email me if you want to get a message to her or she will not get the message. She will be cancelling that email account today.

SFL has asked me to advise you that you can reach child at this phone # from now on: xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Additionally, the plan to return baby for a nap from 1 to 3 is not working out and the baby should have her nap when she is with you. Thanks, SFL's father


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, thank you everyone. Yes, MelodyLane total Plan B fail by not changing my email!! I did exactly as everyone said however (had IM email WH saying I wasn't getting any emails from him and taking away the nap, etc.)

Ok, so the standard reply from IM to WH when he asked about any visitation outside of what's been spelled out (Saturday 9am to 6:30pm) is "I won't be passing on this message, as it is outside specified visitation."

But, I'd like to ask, what if he asks about taking a weekend or week in the summer? I'd like IM to stick to the script until divorce is final but isn't normal visitation going to be every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer or something like that? Because I unfortunately hadn't already cancelled my email I did see that he was asking for something like that... something about wanting to take him to Legoland or maybe taking a week off in the summer. I don't want to give him that at all. I couldn't imagine being without my kids right now for even a night right now....
Any suggestions appreciated.


BS
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Do you have pending Custody Orders?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by black_raven
Do you have pending Custody Orders?

Nope, haven't gotten that far yet. We are currently trying to get him to pass over all financial documents which I know he is big time scared about because it will reveal just how much he's spent on these OW.

He has made no effort to get proper housing to have the kids overnight and has in fact said numerous times that he wants the kids to always sleep in "their own beds." But when he feels like being a jerk he says he will try and fight for getting them 3 weekends a month and one night a week or something crazy like that. Especially because he works out of state Monday through Friday and has never had the kids by himself overnight once... Just emailed lawyers to see what they think we will be trying for.


BS
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By the way- Melody Lane, and all others who have chimed in, you are so on point it's crazy. Thank you for persisting with me. WH is trying hard to get a way with cake-eating (having his little "family" available to him sometimes while he does whatever he wants otherwise) I guarantee he was shocked with the most awesome script you gave me to send to him (from my father) shutting down his ridiculous fantasy.....





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You are doing great!! And you can tell your father to email me directly if he has any questions or encounters any problems. I will be glad to help. Waywards can be sneaky, manipulative jerks and I have helped many IM's navigate the difficult waters. I usually only have to help them once or twice and then it is smooth sailing all the BS!!

If you want my email for your father, just do a mod notify with your email address and ask them to send it to me. I will contact you directly.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by black_raven
Do you have pending Custody Orders?

Nope, haven't gotten that far yet. We are currently trying to get him to pass over all financial documents which I know he is big time scared about because it will reveal just how much he's spent on these OW.

He has made no effort to get proper housing to have the kids overnight and has in fact said numerous times that he wants the kids to always sleep in "their own beds." But when he feels like being a jerk he says he will try and fight for getting them 3 weekends a month and one night a week or something crazy like that. Especially because he works out of state Monday through Friday and has never had the kids by himself overnight once... Just emailed lawyers to see what they think we will be trying for.

If you don't want him taking the children beyond (for whatever reason) beyond what you have already told him, you just say no, because you are not comfortable with that. WH can ask whatever he wants via the IM, the problem is/was that he sent these requests directly to you so ignore them...he can email IM.

Why is your lawyer putting off getting Temporary Orders? They are only temporary and help to avoid a lot of headache and problems.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by SFL
I was thinking about our family and wanted to see photos. You took down your Facebook page and my life vanished.

You have everything. I have nothing. Everything I love is where you are.
I am in a wasteland.

MrRollieEyes dramaqueen

Quote
I destroyed you.

That is a gem for court and/or leverage with a settlement.

Quote
You are destroying me.

MrRollieEyes dramaqueen

Quote
You are still my best friend and most trusted advisor.
I want to support you in any way I can. I want to do more, for you and the kids...I don't want to give up on our friendship.

MrRollieEyes and puke x 1000000

Typical guilt trips and wanting to be your friend...after he destroyed you. clap

Boo hoo for him. Stay strong SFL. At least you can see just how lame this all sounds given the circumstances...and why you don't want to hear/read it. It is insulting.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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