Should I give him the cars just to keep the peace, together they are only worth about $2000 until they are restored.

A few other things. He said he could not understand me not wanting to see him. He said that he would be happy to see me. I said I would be happy to see him too but it would be too painful watching him leave again. He said when I was a truckdriver, I would spend a few days with you and we were very happy but then I would have to leave but you still wanted me to come back. Now you say that you do not want to see me. But I would be the one getting hurt, not him.

I would love to see him, be wrapped up in his arms, and have some amazing love making...but I don't trust my emotions right now.

He also said that I got upset because he left me one time but that he got upset when I left everyday. I told him I had to go to work in order to pay the bills. He said it still hurt everyday when I walked out the door.

btw... I leave for work at 6:25am and he would sleep until 11 or 12, then I was home at 3:30.

He used to tell me that the only reason that I sat with him in the den in the evenings was so I could smoke...so I quit smoking.

Then I noticed that I was spending too much time playing Bubble Witch game on my laptop while sitting next to him and him playing video games...so, I quit.

I would sit next to him for hours with very little interaction because he did not like being bothered when he was playing his game.

Now he tells me that he is bored with his games.

I never ever in my wildest nightmares thought our relationship would end like this. He was my knight in shining armor when we first met. So handsome, gentle, loving...I can't help but feel that it is my fault that he has changed so much.

I have went days without crying and here I go again.

Your fogging up. Your giving him too much information and he's gaslighting you with it. Go get your cars. Stop avoiding.

Yes, you see what talking to him does to you. He is an experienced freeloader who manipulates by anger and gaslighting. There is no way you should let this man back into your life. He will make you miserable.

Can one of your sons help you get the cars? If the owner attempts to stop you, call the police, show them the titles/registrations and have them go with you to retrieve the cars.
Do they run or will they have to be towed?

He didn't actually change. You didn't change him. This is how he really acts, pretending until he gets what he wants, as Melody said, a place to flop, play his games and have someone feed and clothe him and have sex with him. He is a freeloader!

AM

He should write a book on being an expert freeloader and how to be skillfully gaslight but that would take to much work.

Unless the shop has a repair order that you have signed by you, stating that you will be charged a storage fee he can not get a mechanic lean on your cars, and a mechanic lean does not stop you from taking possession of you cars. I would get the police involved today before his friend hides the cars.

Telling him that because you are not in a better place with him is why you did not move to TX is not true. If you were in a better place you guys wouldn't be moving to TX right away because moving to TX right now doesn't consider both of your needs. If you guys were in a better place both of your needs would be equally considered.

It's amazing how he is calling your behavior independent and he doesn't see his as independent. I guess he feels that his job is to make all the decisions and your job is to follow all his decisions. If you would like to blame yourself, you should blame yourself for letting him believe that is ok.

It's ok for him to make all the decisions as long as all the decisions he make are with your enthusiastic agreement. Even God doesn't lead us without our enthusiastic agreement, how could he think that he has any more rights then God.

By the way have you been listening to the MB Radio show on a daily bases?

armymama- I have called the police this morning and they say it is a civil matter, I also called the place where the cars are at. Unfortunately, the owner is out for today but will be there tomorrow. I know the employee that I was speaking to though, I explained to him what was going on. He told me that if I have the title that they belong to me and if owner approves, they will help me load them on a trailer. They have to be trailered because they are restoration projects.

"I guess he feels that his job is to make all the decisions and your job is to follow all his decisions."

That is exactly what he thinks. He thinks that if I let him take charge of our relationship that I would be much happier. I was happy when he was in charge at one time but he treated me much better.

Good for you! Get the cars back! ASAP.

He said that everytime he tries to change something about himself to suit me that I try to make him miserable or that it is never enough.

Remember this as his theme song:

"Papa was a rolling stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was alone."

This is a gaslighter quote you know.

Ouch!!!!

I think it is time for you to get your plan B in place and stop talking to him.
Get you IM (intermediary)
Send him a plan b letter ( which outlines how to get you back)
Make sure there are no ways he can see or speak to you until he fulfills your letter.
Do you know how to plan B?

At this point, continued contact is confusing you and hurting you greatly.

If he really wants you- he won't let plan b stop him- he will do whatever it takes to win you back.

Please do it now for your own health!
Hugs

You asked him for teeny tiny conditions. Proof he will keep his temper, basic manners and personal hygiene. The sort of things you require from a waiter who is going to be in your life for ten minutes.

A husband has to be willing to show EXTRAORDINARY care. Dealing with whatever problems may occur to you on a daily basis. Not just these very basic requirments. This guy won't even pick up a bar of soap.

(Except he must have during the golden courtship lets-trick-her period right? He CAN look after himself and you - he just chooses not to. He chooses to act like you aren't worth it.)


The vets response was that he would agree to basic frequirements so as to keep his flop-pad. However this guy is SO lazy and uncaring that he won't even meet these very, very basic rules of humanhood. Your requirements should have actually been much higher. You most certainly should not have been calling him love and babe and trying to persuade your case while he was being so vile. That will only encourage him to gaslight harder.

I'd stop communicating with him. He is making it very clear that unless he can bully and gaslight you back in to accepting a freeloader he isn't interested in being anything else to you.

You didn't change him. He didn't change at all. He did this to his daughter's mother long before you were around.

He can't be changed.




That is the most insulting thing I have ever heard said to a wife on these forums. Are you willing to have a drifter come by your home for freeloading for INDEFINITE periods???!!!!


You're much stronger when you don't speak to him. In your shoes I would put into place no contact, change your email and phone number and put an IM in place. Send him a letter with your requirements for being married to him. He can tell the IM when he is ready to implement them. However I predict you won't hear from im again.

Someone in your shoes should keep him out of the house for a long time while he demonstrates change and that's too much work for a drifter.

I tell you to get an IM because his talks with you are so abusive and take such a toll. You were feeling much better before he started these verbal attacks, weren't you?

He actually brought his daughter's mother up last night. He said maybe I will remember what he told me about her. He said everyday he would get up for work and she would start in on him...arguing, criticizing, complaining about not having enough money for bills. Then she would be content the rest of the day while he carried the arguments around in his mind all day.

He said that is why he left...that he got tired of her bullchit. He said that we had been having some great conversations but I wiped that all out by threatening to keep his stuff (my cars). He said that I see the negative in everything.

He said that when he started calling me more frequently in the last few days that instead of understanding that he misses me...he said I put a negative spin on it by assuming that he was doing it to charm me because he was getting closer to coming back.

AND HE NEVER DID JACK ABOUT IT.

See what a great husband he was in his first marriage? That's a clue as to why it failed.


I doubt she was really content, or the issues would not have kept coming up.


It wasn't bs, though. Complaints in marriage are very important and should be taken very seriously, welcomed, and acted upon. Joyce Harley complains frequently to Dr. Harley. My wife complains frequently to me. The complaints should be made without demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts - but they must be made!

The big problem is that he didn't want to lift a finger to do anything about her complaints. People get married to make each other happy - he didn't want to do that.