I've been registered for a long time, have lurked for a while and now I'm posting as I need some advice. Everyone says this: but, I will try and keep the introduction to my issues on point.

We have been married for almost twenty years, have three female children (18, 15, & 13).

I found out that my wife had an affair with a neighbor. Dday was 1/2/13. I found out via the phone bill (which I never looked at previously) that she had been texting back and forth to an unknown number. I confronted, she denied, I called the number, I recognized the voice. We talked and she said it was only a friendship, but I knew better. I asked her to stop it immediately and she reluctantly said she would.

I wanted to believe her, but my gut said otherwise, so another month of spying and detective work (keylogger) revealed not only was the affair still ongoing, but without a doubt a full fledged affair. I read things I wish I hadn't..., that kind of stuff.

So after this I found Marriage Builders, bought Dr. Harley's books, listened to the show (was a caller twice), and learned as much as I could about what to do.

Firstly, I told my wife I knew everything (and proved it), asked her to write a NC letter, I exposed to everyone, our three children, both our families, the OM's son (OM is divorced and has one 18 yr. old son), our friends, and anyone else I could think of.

OM had no employer, but did odd jobs here and there. I kind of hit a dead end on exposure on his side. However, his boy is the same age as my oldest daughter and they had dated (I know, the fact that our kids had dated makes it that much worse) for a while a couple years prior, so the exposure there was fairly profound. We live in a small rural town.

My wife was furious with me, not so much for the exposure, but the spying. I simply said anyone in my shoes would do the same. I told her the future of my family was at stake and I would do anything to protect my marriage and my children. She admitted to being in love with OM. She eventually did write the NC letter, which I hand delivered to OM. I was very careful not to threaten him, but I did let him know how badly their affair had damaged my children (whom he knew well at this point).

Fast forward to May of 2013, I was realizing that we were in false reconciliation. I put a digital audio recorder in my wife's car. On the first evening I checked it I found the evidence I suspected. They were still talking, and I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was still "in love", although the topic of the conversation was not about them, it was about me. She was telling him that she had asked for a separation (lie), and that I would not agree, stating that "it would just lead to a divorce". Then she told other man, "Well, no duh? When is he going to figure it out?"

I went in and confronted her very calmly about what I had just heard. I reminded her that she had broken her promise, and that if she wanted to leave I would not stop her, but she would need to make a decision that night as to what she was going to do. I said "If you choose to remain married, I will not tolerate sharing you with anyone else in any way. If you choose a divorce you can do whatever you want afterward, but I hope that you choose your marriage and your family over a fantasy." I then walked calmly away.

Later that night, we had a pleasant dinner with our children, and I said nothing about the incident. After dinner when the children left the room she came to me and sobbed that she would never do anything to hurt me again, and that she chose me. It was the first real display of emotion that I had seen from her since the beginning, and it gave me hope.

In November of 2013, the OM had passed by our house and waved to one of my children. I was furious. I wrote him a letter in which I described my exact feelings, told him in no uncertain terms that he was to never interact in any way with my children again, etc. I did not threaten him, but I did tell him that I considered him an enemy to my marriage and family and that I would protect my family from the evil he represents at all costs.

He called me several days later, informed me that he had shown the letter to his lawyer. I laughed and told him that meant there was one more person who now knew what he had done to someone's family. I then reiterated that he was not to approach any of my family again. He agreed. He also told me more information about the affair. He revealed what I had previously suspected, which was that the affair had gone on for almost five years.

I couldn't contain myself, and a day later I told my wife about the phone call. She did not deny anything he had said. I asked her why she lied when she had answered my questions months earlier, and she simply said that she lied because she didn't think it would help us heal our marriage. She refused to talk about it beyond that, so I didn't ask anymore.

Since then I have still been employing my detective skills and there has been no communication that I know of.

Dr. Harley stressed to me the importance of no love busters, but that has been my biggest weakness. I would go for a few days and then snap, out of nowhere I am reminded of something and say something nasty. This would happen on about a weekly basis, usually on the weekend. For a long time she just took the verbal abuse, but then she started fighting back. I would realize even while I was doing it that I was draining love units.

In the last month or so I have gotten hold of myself, but she seems unresponsive. She has still not read any of Dr. Harley's books, and claims that I am trying to control her. I don't know how much damage I've done. I have told her that my emotional needs are not being met, but she tells me that after so many angry outbursts over the last year she is going to need time and space.

She has ignored almost all of what I have asked for to help me through this process. She wants me to trust her, but she is unwilling to go to any lengths to create trust. The only thing that has helped rebuild some trust was that she took a full time job after almost twenty years of not working. And she did that for herself, not me. She set up her own checking account and I see none of the money she earns.She would like me to just live my life and seems to think that we will eventually be in love again. I know better.

Any talk of my emotional needs makes her resentful and she feels that I am needy and controlling. It seems that I have used up that window of time that I had to introduce Dr. Harley's principles to her. She now feels that I refer to his books as a sort of "bible" and mocks me for it. She refuses to even crack open "Surviving an Affair" or "Love Busters".

She seems happy and content as long as I don't bring up anything having to do with our relationship. I've asked her if that would help her restore her love for me and she said she thinks that it would, but it's going to take time. I have told her that I will do my best to meet her emotional needs, but with mine going unmet, I don't know how much time I can give her. She took that as a threat. She takes much of anything I say about our marriage as a love buster, even when I'm really careful about not making demands, judgments, etc....

So where do I go from here?

That is an extremely long post and I just want to know a couple of things:

1. DID YOU MOVE?

2. is the affair still active?

I did not move.
The affair seems to be dead.

Dr. Harley recommended moving, but I cannot.

MOVE first and then we can talk. Not a damn thing can be done until you move. Recovery is impossible.

Are you an indentured servant? In a communist country where you are a slave? Why can't you move?

See, every time she sees him, his car or his house, her feelings are triggered so she stays in a perpetual state of withdrawal and the fog never wears off. She will NEVER withdraw until you move.

That is like expecting the chronic alcoholic to sober up while he still goes into the bar every day. He has occasional binges because he is always thinking about alcohol. He looks at it all day and the smell never leaves his nostrils.

You have no hope of ever recovering living next to him. It will never happen.

Another town, at least 500 miles away. If not, you should just get a divorce now and save yourself a few more years of hell. Your future will be a death of a thousand cuts.

Harrison,

You have had the answer from both Dr. Harley and MelodyLane. Moving is imperative.

AM

Why not?

I can't move because it would mean financial ruin for me. I am extremely underwater on the house, among other reasons.

Dr. Harley specifically addressed this with me off air prior to the show, and he RECOMENDED that I move, he did not say that I must. When I told him I couldn't he said that a move away is partially to prevent her rekindling the affair, but PRIMARILY to prevent triggers for me. In that part he was correct, which is probably one of the reasons I have had so many angry outbursts over the months. He did not say it was a deal breaker, and he heard my whole story.

When I say that OM is my neighbor, please understand that he lives 1/4 mile away, and we do not have to drive past his house.

My wife works about 45 minutes to the north and he now has a job about 30 minutes to the south. Neither of them need to pass the other's homes to commute. I am still tracking my wife via gps to boot, and like I said, there has been nothing to make me believe they have seen each other on the sly.

I'm not dismissing your advice outright. I know very well that we SHOULD move. With that said, if you or anyone else have no other advice that might be helpful since that is my position I suppose I am at a dead end on the forum.

When were you on the show?

It was sometime in mid-summer last year. My code name was Hank if that helps.

Dr Harley told you to move. If you refuse to follow the advice there is absolutely nothing we can do to help you. There is nothing we can do for you until you do that.

Will you have financial ruin when you get divorced? Because you are headed to divorce. Your marriage will never recover.

Cant you rent your house out and move?

What about a short sale? Have you looked into that?

Harrison, please understand that I am not being glib about moving. I fully understand that this is no easy feat. I have watched so many people go through this over the years, so I know it is easier said than done.

It might be hard, but it is not nearly as hard living with an on again, off again affair with a perpetually fogged out wife. You are living a life of hell and it will get worse, not better if you don't get out of there. Your marriage will NEVER recover because the fog will never lift. The OM will be a dark cloud in your lives forever as long as you live there. Your marriage won't make it for long.

Welcome to your future. It doesn't have to be like this. You CAN move if you look for creative solutions.

Well the fact is he always recommends that you move out of the area and sometimes out of state.
He explains this in his book, Surviving an Affair.
You need to be as far away from the affair partner as possible.

Otherwise it's like asking a drug addict to stay away from drugs when he/ she lives in a drug house, or an alcoholic living above a bar.

Your choice is simple: Move or the affair will continue

Sir, 1/4 mile away is a neighbor!
You could jog to his house in 2 minutes!

I suspect the affair is still on, but just more undercover.
What good is a GPS when he is 2 minutes jog from the home?

I encourage you to post him on www.cheaterville.com and focus on moving.

Perhaps at this point you should consult an attorney about the house. Your marriage will, at best, end in divorce and then a house sale/divorce will be financial ruin.

At worst, you'll live out your days dying a death by a thousand cuts. Is it worth it?

Here it is.

Radio Clip of harrison's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

I am listening to the show and Dr Harley advised you to move away on your own and invite the kids and your wife. Consult with an attorney to get legal protection. [clip #3]

I understand that might be a difficult proposition because you have teenagers but it can be done. Kgaa went through this and his oldest daughter was a senior in high school. She stayed behind and finished out her senior year living with the grandparents.

Your marriage will NEVER recover unless you move and it might be too late. I wonder if your wife is not saving up to leave you anyway. Dr. Harley never meant for Plan A to be a perpetual way of life, my friend.