I don't think you answered my questions.
Are you ready to do Plan B for the right reasons this time? And do you understand that Plan B is not a tool to be used to get your WH to miss you and come back to the M?

Did you tell your IM that you broke Plan B?

I would really like to know why you did not post about this Plan B breach two days ago.

No I haven't told her yet. I will see her Monday. She is going to be very angry at me.

Rock, you don't need your H to be happy. Life does not ebb and flow on his approval. We don't care what some crack house dosser thinks.

You're smart, tough, strong and caring. You have the ability to make life delightful. You're going to flipping Anne-land for cripes sake! Why would you risk your mood ahead of such a trip for a peek at wayward-pig-rut-ville?

As Susie said, if you'd mentioned this trigger we could have helped you manage and avoid it.

I think you know that you saw it as a gesture from him, and you nestled it to yourself like a little secret of hope that wouldn't hurt anyone. However it's burned you.

Stop working Plan Hope. You don't need hope of him for a happy life - you were already having one.

I thought if I just ignored the papers and not signed them it would be okay.

I'm not signing the papers AT ALL. What he offered me was ridiculous. He's made them all up himself and printed them off the internet.

I need legal advice on them. Should I drag this out as long as possible? Or should I get legal advice when I return from my trip?

We still do not have a financial settlement and I am paying him rent to stay in this property.

It just doesn't seem fair.

He said the only reason he gave me financial papers was so that he could get some money to me for my trip before I left. But I don't need his money for my trip. I am paying it on my own!

Susie yes I do want to do things right this time.

Yes. She cares about you. She needs to know because while she was guarding the front door, you let him in the back. Tell her how you will avoid more breaches or it won't be worth her time.

My suggestion is managing triggers better. I used to use an elastic to 'snap' my thoughts, and if I got a bad trigger I'd stay with my parents so people were watching over me, making it hard for me to cheat, but you may have your own ideas.

I would tell every Plan Ber to get legal advice. However don't do anything permanent, like file for a D until this episode has settled down. It's made you quite reactive and a divorce should be a decision, not a reaction.

I'll stop asking about the waywardism. You all have already answered me this before I know.

So this will be a lesson to me about what happens when I break Plan B.

I need to get even darker than ever now. I need to heal.

You're right Indie of course. I am determined to enjoy Anne's land!

I'm not going to file for divorce but I will get legal advice when I return.

I really want to be able to move from this house. I don't want to continue living in this house and paying him rent.

I was feeling okay until I broke Plan B. I wasn't feeling totally happy but I was coping each day.

I just told my IM my break in Plan B. She told me to forgive myself and move forward. I'm sure though she will hash it out with me when she sees me next.

I don't have to do another Plan B letter do I? I hope not. I just have to go dark again right.

Look carefully at the steps that led you to this place, so you can reroute yourself the next time it DOES HAPPEN, and avoid this whole mess.

1. WH ambushes you with a break in NC, by sticking the papers in DS's bag and selfishly, callously USING him as his adultery errand boy. This triggers you to want to reach out to him.

Alternate ending: Instead of holding onto those thoughts, you come here on MB and post them. Vent, then move on and do something nice for yourself. The urges to contact WH are still there, but they're manageable and grow less with time.

AND

Now that you know he's low enough to pull a stunt like this (and got nicely rewarded for it to boot), you can 100% guarantee he's going to try it again. If something comes to you outside your IM, AND IT WILL, it doesn't exist!!! Shred it, unread, and post asap.

2. After the unexpected PB break, you start obsessing about WH. You start wondering what he's thinking, if he was trying to send you a secret message by breaking PB, and what OW is doing these days. The thoughts go round and round and round, fueling your urge to see what he's doing...just a little.

Alternate ending: You realize that the only message he's sending you isn't such a big secret, after all. He's only saying, "I still don't respect you. I spit on you and our family. I'm hoping that I can hock a loogie on you and still get a little action on the side. Because you just don't know any better." Except you DO know better. You recognize where these thoughts are headed, and carry out your plan that you already made ahead of time to deal with thoughts of WH. You sing a happy song, quote verses of Scripture, and any other great and distracting self-care items you have on your list. You also post asap, so we can help you through these very normal feelings.

3. You don't stop the thoughts, and finally decide to look in person and see what WH is doing. Is he working late? Maybe that means he and OW are unhappy. Is he already gone from work? Maybe they are having sex RIGHT NOW!!!!! And the only way to find out is by checking for yourself, right? Because you might learn something important!

Alternate ending: I highly recommend never getting to this point. It will be much easier if you head it off sooner than this. However, even at this moment it's not too late to salvage this. After making a quick post on MB, and while you're waiting for responses, you call your mom, IM, any emergency contact that can help talk you down from the ledge. Who will remind you that nothing you find out is worth the days of pain that will follow. And you don't go.

4. You make a deliberate choice to do the drive-by.

Alternate ending: You can still choose to drive on by, but really, what are the odds that you'll suddenly decide to value yourself more than he does after a whole string of unhealthy and destructive choices? Yeah, the odds are against you suddenly turning it around at this point, but it's a choice. It's always a choice. It's not your heart overpowering your head, it's not your feelings out of control. It's you. Choosing.

5. You walk into his workplace. Each choice led to this moment, and at each choice you chose the path most likely to arrive at this exact place.

Alternate ending: There really isn't an alternate ending at this point, at least not a good one. You could have chosen to either disappear from MB in shame, or come here and own up to your wrong choices. Thankfully, you chose the latter.

So you messed up. Learn from it. Make a plan for the next time. There will be a next time. And next time, I believe you will make the right choice.

No more letters. You'll show you mean business by your actions.

Thanks Neak for taking time to write all those steps down and the alternate things I should have done.

I needed that.

I nearly did disappear in shame again like last time. I wanted to hide but I just can't. I have to post everything.

I do hope I do make the right choice next time. I should have posted straightaway as soon as he put the papers in my DS's bag.

I should have got IM to email him and say Please do not use DS as a messenger and any information has to be passed through IM.

I did tell WH last night that I wasn't signing anything and he shouldn't have used DS as a messenger. He came back and said he didn't want to give papers to IM as it was personal.

So he should have used a lawyer.

Anyway it's done. I'm not signing and I will deal with it properly by a lawyer WHEN I AM READY.

So I've messed up. I've taken a setback. It's going to take longer to heal again. But I dust myself off and get back to business of healing myself and being strong for my son.

Back to day 1 of Plan B. I'm so determined to heal myself. I want to look back in a year and see how much better I feel. I can't keep living my life this way.

Up until this point I was always uncomfortable writing WH. I would just write H. Now I know he is definately WH.

I want to deliver a goodbye letter to my WH. I want to drop it at OW's feet. I want her to suffer. I'm sure she never got my Plan B letter. Can't I do this and cause one last rift between them before I go dark?

If you advise me not to then I won't do it. I feel there's nothing to lose anymore.

Don't do it.
You are just trying to stay in the drama your WH created.

He is wayward. He blew it with you and has to get his act together to get right with you.

Stay out of his mess.

Period.

Heal girl. Heal.

If you'd done it at the same time as your PBL, that would have been ok. Now it's not. Leave the compost pile alone. It'll turn to fertilizer all on its own, since it's one of the self-stirring kind.

Any time you try and stir it will only make the process take longer.

AJ is taking different counseling classes, and one of the ones he picked deals with pornography. (He's never had issues with it himself, but it's a fairly common problem so he wants to be well qualified to help others.)

Anyway, one of the basic principles is that it's much more important to understand the how of porn use rather than why. Because ultimately the why is interesting, but ultimately to effectively stop using it, you need to understand what string of choices leads to using it, and interrupt the process.

The same goes for other unhealthy behaviors, too, such as you've experienced. Why did you do it? Several reasons, but none are as important as stopping before you get in trouble. Change your thoughts before they translate into behavior.

You can still do this.

Thank goodness for all you good people on MB hanging in there with me.

Thanks for your advice Reading. I won't do the letter. I do want to heal and I am going to pick myself up again. I can do this.

I've done it before I can do it again.

I agree don't do the letter get back into a dark Plan B.

So what are you going to do the next time this happens to avoid breaking Plan B?