Hi Neak

So is AJ training to be a marriage counsellor? That's great news if so in bettering himself and helping others.

I refuse to let this mishap bring me down again. Last night I cried my heart out. Today I cried.

Then I took my DS to the movies and had a good time with him. He knows I'm sad and I've been honest with him and told him about Daddy doing the wrong thing about having a girlfriend. He is upset that his Daddy has hurt me.

But I told him I am going to be strong for him and we are going to have a great time in Canada.

I've told him how much I love him and that I am going to be a wonderful strong mother for him. I told him our house may not be big or fancy but the most important thing is that there is LOVE in our house. He feels safe and secure here and knows I am here for him.

I've told him that his daddy buying a big house with OW doesn't make people happy. I've told him money doesn't buy happiness. He knows that I have created a loving home for him and he understands this. We have fun together and we have each other. He's a very wise boy.

So I've talked myself out of the drama this afternoon. I have to do this. I have to forget about the WH and OW.

I'm going to go to Canada in 12 days and have a wonderful much needed break with my son. I refuse to let this get the better of me.

I am going to re-evaluate my situation in six months time and decide how I want to proceed. I will probably see a lawyer about a financial settlement come December.

I don't feel like I can make any rational decisions at this point so I will give it six months and then see how I feel.

Back to living my life. I will not live a life of misery.

I've been getting better at trying to take positives out of bad situations. I will try and find a positive from this such as I now know what a bad idea it is to break Plan B and it will only set me further back.

Hopefully any others here who are tempted to break Plan B can see the hurt it causes if you do. I can use this as a learning experience and grow stronger.

Neak I like the analogy of the compost pile.

Hi BrainHurts

So the next time I am tempted to break Plan B, I think about this time that I broke it and how awful it made me feel. I remember that I do not want to feel this way again.

I post here immediately so I can be talked out of it.

And hit me with because I need them!

Another thing which might help is changing your route. The times I would get tempted to break Plan B I was usually on my way somewhere, but I'd get triggered by a place. I place where I knew he would be.

The temptation to break Plan B feels like ' I gotta do it now' so distance from places that could get you into trouble helps. If you make your routes so they miss out WH hot spots, you'll avoid breaks, and you'll avoid triggers too.

I used to walk past some favourite WH hangout when I went to my parents on a Sunday. At first I wondered why I should have to give up my walk, but there was another route just as good. My homeward journey from work took me past OWs house and the temptation to a drive by and see if he was visiting her was pretty strong. When I changed routes I never thought about it again.

You're right Indie. I was going to pick up my son's from his friends house and I took the route that was longest where I knew WH would probably be close by. I took this route as the other route I should have gone there was lots of traffic on the road.

I should have just stuck in the traffic and put up with it instead of taking the other way.

I kind of knew about five minutes before that I was going to do it. I will take different routes. Thanks Indie.

Come up with a few different routes to any destination you might need to go to. I have a 'back up' work route for situations where there is traffic or roadworks. Both routes keep me away from triggers. These routes work so well for me, that I have kept with them even though WH lives on another continent now. Partly out of habit, partly because I know I'm happier away from triggers.

AJ is doing a Christian counselor program, for general counseling not just marriage. It's a certification not a degree, but boy do they make you work for it!

And look at you, figuring out bright new ways to stay dark. Keep it up!

Interesting field Neak.

Does the MC portion adhere to the MB methods?

So as not to T/J this post, if you or AJ could start a topic about it, i feel it would be interesting and stimulating.

LTL

I just read your post about AJ's counselling program on your thread Neak. Great your whole family is learning from it even the kiddies!

Does he still make any posts here on MB?

Today I'm feeling quite down I think because I know it's pick up of my DS today and I'm feeling anxious.

So tempted to do the goodbye letter and mention things in it that were special to me and WH to infuriate OW.

Please talk me out of this. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. But I can't get it out of my head.

You won't feel calm until you're out of their radar circle of drama. Yes, it will infuriate her, but she thrives on competition with you, so infuriating her helps no one. Don't walk towards the drama, keep walking away to peace.

Just envision how peaceful you'll feel when there's been no drama for a week, then two weeks, then three. You've already experienced what that feels like.

Today is a self care day. What's in store for you self care wise?

I want to feel peace so much but I'm out of control today. I want to let go and tell him goodbye and leave him to his mess he has created.

So sad. I wish i had never gone to his work.

I feel if she sees I'm letting go than that would be a good thing so she sees she has no competition anymore.

Why are you in her head?

Why is she in your head? Rent free!

She doesn't matter.

I don't know why I'm in her head. I just want to say goodbye to him and tell him things I will miss about our marriage and our love.

You HAVE done that. Ages ago. Constantly making contact and stirring stuff up is not saying goodbye, it is not closure and it is not bowing out. No contact means no contact!

Okay I won't do it. This is what happens when I pull myself back into the drama. I was doing so well prior to this.

Breathing.

Right. It's your own addiction talking. You don't want closure or to say goodbye at all. You want to say "hi, remember me?" again.

Whenever your strong feelings want something, like contact, it will make up a reason to get it. You know however that contact is only going to make things much worse.

Whereas you will feel great if you put some space between yourself and the last moment of contact. The last thing you need is more contact.

Nice food, funny movie, bath, pedicure?..

Are you going to send a letter every few days so she still knows you're letting go? Or would that maybe show that you're not letting go at all?

I'm just going to scratch this scab so it'll feel better. Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch. Uh-oh. Now I'm a bleeding mess. Well, I'd better scratch some more, so my arm will know it's getting well.

Yep, that makes about as much sense as stirring up drama to show the other players that you're far above the drama now. How do you really show you're not part of the drama any more? Yep. Leave the theater and don't look back.

AJ hardly ever posts, but he does come on here sometimes and read. At some point this weekend he'll answer LRL's questions. I don't know the answers offhand. It's really neat to learn things as a family.