When something that he does bothers you, then you tell him respectfully by saying "it bothers me when�.".

That is a complaint, rather than a criticism.

I would venture a guess that most of us here had to use that line�.oh�.maybe 1,000 times per day�when we first began recovery.

It's like LongWayFromHome pointed out earlier, recovery is NOT EASY work. It is the most difficult thing that I or my husband have EVER done. But once we are finished, we are sure going to feel proud of ourselves!

I did the same thing. All that it did was prolong ANY bit of recovery that we could feel, and of course it also kept ME feeling horrible because I was constantly focusing on the past.

I will listen. And use. I promise. It's hard and I am going to try not to speak rudely

Good!!!

I had to promise myself that I would get through a morning, then an afternoon, then the evening without anger, disrespect, or bringing up the past. Then another day of the same thing. It was very very difficult. The times I failed, I held us back from recovering.

It takes a while to change all the bad habits and heal the resentment of a horrible past, but, with both spouses fully on board, it can happen.

Make sure you follow the doctor's orders and take your medication. It will help your emotions greatly.

I will thanks for being there for me every step of the way.

iam logging in to thank u all for your suggestions the book is wonderful and i have read upto chapter 13 ...my relationship seems calmer now and we r not having angry outbursts ..ads have helped a lot but i feel naseous and feel very low ffrom time to time ..worse is the nights!i hope this anxiey goes away ...thanks to you all you encouraged me to go see a dr ...i feel much calmer now ....i will keep you all in the loop happy fathers day to you all lovely dads out there ..

GKwife, I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are doing a little better. If the nausea continues, be sure and let your doctor know. The meds might need to be adjusted. Also, make sure you are eating when taking the medication and stick to healthy foods as much as possible. Take gentle exercise, like walking, to help sooth your mind.

As you and your H make the necessary changes to your lifestyle, and your marriage begins to improve, you should begin to feel better. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Typically, recovery takes 2 - 5 years with both people on board.

Good for you for controlling the anger. That's very difficult to do but very important to keep under control during recovery especially and for the remainder of your days together.

SAA is the best book I have ever seen for infidelity. Make sure you go through the checklists and to change marital habits and lifestyle, including the business processes, wherever needed. At some point, you and your H might consider going through the Online program. That's what eventually helped us so much. Our marriage is better than ever, better even than our first year of marriage, and we credit MB completely for the education.

Keep on going, GKwife!

Have you heard back from the Harleys?

Such a great update, thank you!

You are also on blood pressure meds, correct? I am sure that when you see your doctor (this coming Wednesday?), she can adjust anything as needed.

Feel free to come here and ask any questions that you have as you are reading SAA.

I felt depressed worst during the nights the also. That WILL get better (and easier)!

Brain hurts. I haven't written to Harley yet. Will do so by tomorrow.
Blind sighted. No pressure meds. But nights r really hard. Keeps coming back when I am on the bed. The silence brings bk every bad memory. I hope this works out. For long term for ever

Let us know what the Harleys say.

Do you have sleep meds to help you get some sleep during this time?

Gkumarswife, are you two back to sharing the marital bed? If not, give it a try�your husband can learn to give you the affection that you need while you are triggering�WITHOUT your having to bring up the past. Just say "I would like it if�" and "I don't like it when�".

today i feel paticularly overwhelmed its like thoughts ARE rushing thru my head and the question why did he do this to me bothers me how do i overcome this ...i want to make this work but somedays its just so much harder . how did he not think of me or the kids and why didnt he .....
i finished reading ssa now have downloaded lovebusters ....i hate those thoughts and they get my blood pressure high ...
pls help me get over this

Yes, you've described it perfectly. It is like thoughts ARE rushing through�because they are.

I'm glad that you came on here to ask for help.

You are going to learn to stop them in their tracks�as time goes by�but truly you will not begin to feel better until you DO stop thinking about them.

It is very difficult, I am surely not minimizing what you are feeling. It takes time. If your husband's actions TODAY are showing you extraordinary care, then it will be easier for you to tell yourself "he's not like this now".

Are you and your husband reading the books together? Did he also finish SAA?

GREAT JOB by the way, getting through SAA. What did you think of it?

yes he finished ssa ...he infact read it before me and he is reading love busters ..its a great book now only if we put this in action ..time will tell

Have you written Dr. Harley?

No I haven't. Not yet

Please do. The Harleys have a very calming way about them and it's free.

So i have to describe all the circumstances. Everything how it started etc.to write the sr Harley ...... I suddenly feel very overwhelmed I was doing just fine for a whole week. I felt the ads helped and I was returning back to my routine. I would think of the a but less. Again since last noon I feel the same. I can't stop crying. And I woke up to nightmares. Seeing her and him. It's all running thru my head and I just can't stop. What do I do. I don't want to feel like this but I feel shockd. As in how far he went and lied. How many
Is he gave and how well he pretended. I could have not imagined anyone doing such a thing above all my husband. So I feel sick thinking about it. Yes ssa speaks of the fog and I understand that at time they r lost but so much pain I feel in my heart. I feel like I have no one not a soul who I can trust and be loved.