My wife recently took a job with a traveling circus that tours throughout the country. She and my son were going to be away from home until November as a result. Although I knew it would be hard for me, I was supportive of this job and the adventure it would afford her.

Several weeks after taking the job she called to say that she had been spending a lot of time thinking about our relationship over the last several years. She felt like she had lost her identity and that I no longer appreciated her and as a result she was unsure if she still loved me. She said that she needed some time and space and wanted us to take a break so she could explore and rediscover herself.

Although I knew that there had been some rough patches over the last several years, I did not realize how unhappy she had become. I felt that I needed to prove to her how much she meant to me and that I still loved her. I began calling more often, singing her songs, and even arranged for a surprise visit to her during her birthday. Instead of giving her the time and space she asked for, she felt I was smothering her.

A week after the birthday visit she called to say that she believed our marriage was over. She still sees me as her best friend and she doesn't want to lose that, but she does not want to be anything more than friends.

She said that she can see no way to save our marriage or if she even believes in marriage at all anymore. She said the only chance that I might have would be to completely let her go until she comes back in November. At that point she might be willing to try, or she might just want to pick up her belongings.

I have been able to identify several selfish behaviors and habits in myself that have crept up over the years. I know that these have made her doubt my ability to be a fitting husband to her and father to our son. I also know that she has tried to address these before, on many occasions, but I did not listen.

We have been married almost eleven years and have a terrific son. I don't want to lose either of them and am willing to make any changes needed to become a better man, husband, and father.

I'm afraid that if I leave her alone entirely while she's on tour, as she has asked, she will continue her current train of thought and ask for a divorce. But I'm also afraid to intrude on her solitude and be seen as meddling or smothering again, she has stated clearly that she does not want my attentions right now.

A friend of mine helped me find this website and I believe it's teachings hold the answer. I want to save my marriage but don't know how to proceed and could really use some help.

Have you ruled out an affair? What snooping methods are you using? It is impossible to remain in love with this much time apart, and she is sleeping, eating and bonding with those she does live with.

Much of what she has said to you strongly indicates an affair.

The time apart is continuous, she lives out of our RV while she is traveling with the circus, but I beleive it is possible to stay together during times apart. While in the military I went on two different deployments, one for six months and one for three, without any problems cropping up between us.

As far as an affair, she has already confessed to me that she slept with someone else. The incident happened after telling me we needed a break and that she needed to redisover herself. She told me about sleeping with the guy the very next morning and has been guilt ridden since. She says that she has not been with him since that night and I beleive her for two reasons:
1. I still trust her completely since she admitted to the infidelity immediately (despite his reccomendation to keep me in the dark).
2. It turns out that he is also married and his wife caught them that same night. As a result, she has been watching both of them like a hawk.

The affair should also self-correct itself very soon, the other couple is leaving the circus next week. The wife got a promotion and is moving the family to the circus' home base so none of them will be traveling anymore.

Dr Harley doesn't and has told the military so. They brought him in to tackle the gigantic problem of infidelity in the military. he's told them it's hopeless because human beings are not wired to love people they don't see regularly after a while.

You're talking about getting through nine months problem free. A marriage is a lot longer than nine months. You can probably smoke for nine months without getting cancer.

So you know about an affair and nothing has been done but to carelessly trust in providence? That is a curiously uncaring approach. Most women would not expect their husbands to shrug off such a thing and to casually 'trust' that nothing else will happen.

It doesn't appear like you are willing to do what it takes.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain. Please notify the MODS to have your thread moved to SAA.

Sorry to tell you this, but the affair will not correct itself if she is still seeing the other man (OM). Have you talked to the other man's wife?

Your wife needs to get away from the OM and have no contact for life with him.

Please read these. Start Here First-SAA

The affair will flourish under those conditions. She is in love with him ( unless she is in the habit of hooking up with random men ) and unlike marriages, affairs do well part time.

Is the wife aware? You do realise that your wife is always going to remember you did nothing but wait for the other man to go away of his own accord.

I'm not sure if the affair has shell shocked you, which is common, or if all the time apart has made you genuinely uncaring.

Regardless, sitting around with your thumb up you your bum will make you SEEM uncaring.

It's a guarantee there is still an affair continuing and it is easy for him to out perform you. He will appear more caring simply because he is there.

It was OBVIOUS to me from her words that an affair was taking place even though you didn't mention it. She's told you the marriage has ceased to exist in her belief system. Believe me, it's still on.

It's not that I don't care, quite the opposite. When she initially said she wanted some space I was shocked but tried to understand.
When she told me about sleeping with the other guy a few weeks later I immediately felt like I needed to prove how much I still cared. That's why I started calling more often (to give her someone else to talk to, in any capacity she was comfortable with) and surprised her for her birthday. My impression is that although I started out the right way, I pushed to much and she felt smothered. That made her run further away and decide it's over.

She came to me about the incident, on her own and immediately after it happened. She has told me everything about the other guy, on her own and over several different conversations. All of this information was volunteered, I would have had no way of knowing that anything was wrong. If she was going to come forward about the incident, why would she lie about the details?
Does a one night stand actually count as an ongoing affair? I doesn't in my mind and even if it does so what? Dr. Harley's advice is:
1. Expose the affair - done by her and the other guys wife already
2. Limit, or preferably eliminate contact between the lovers - the other wife has already done this and they are moving away in a week.
3. Be willing to offer forgiveness (with just compensation) and be a sympathetic ear so she knows that I can still meet her needs and haven't given up.
All of this was my initial approach (without ever having seen this site). I'm not ignoring the incident, I just don't see how harboring a lot of anger and resentment helps me save my marriage.

I posted here because I don't think the affair matters. All of Dr. Harley's Q&As regarding affairs talk about how to overcome the resentment, expose the affair, and end it. All of this had been done, the affair is over.

I posted here because:
1. She called weeks before sleeping with the other guy to say she needed space.
2. This has been building for a while. It just did not come to a head until she had time (during the drives from one town to another) to think about us. The more she thought, the angrier and more frustrated she became. Her initial take was that this would be a cooling off period and we would talk in November.
3. I was so affectionate after the affair started that she felt smothered. Because of that she wants no contact whatsoever and believes we are over.

I need to know how to proceed from here please.
How do I provide support for someone who is going to be hundreds of miles away for the next several months and wants no contact?
How do I go about proving that I am still committed to us and willing to change my selfish behaviors?
How do I show her that I am still the best man to meet her emotional needs?

Is the answer to respect her wishes and leave her alone?
Is the answer to do something else? If so, what?

Errm no that is not at all what happened. You said yourself that they were discovered by OM's wife. This was the damage control story that they cooked up together. You were told so that you didn't find out another story from his wife. Don't feel bad, every wayward has done this from the beginning of time. Mine told me about a nine year old relationship but omitted to mention the on-going one.



If it had been a one night stand (which nobody here believes as waywards always lie) it would still be an affair. If they are still in touch, it is ongoing.

Oh my dear friend, you've been listening to her and believing her. A good strategy under normal circumstances but not when you are dealing with an affair! Every wayward wants space and it is a HUGE mistake to give it to them. Particularly women who in their soul want the OM to be confronted and their H to rescue them from the whole mess.

When an affair starts to cook, and become more irresistibly tempting, the WS has to do something about her conscience. The handiest trick is to demonise her BH and rewrite the history of the marriage entirely. This is something any human being would do when caught in this trap of bonding with the wrong person.

Your wife will have gone from missing you and feeling lonely one week to not wanting the demonised version of her H anywhere near her the next week. Of course she will also expect anger and violence as every wayward does from their betrayed - not a cool calm capable MBer.

Sadly when the BS respects a wish for space, the WS uses it to conduct the affair and actively judges (more demonising) the BS.

She's in the fog, you can't trust her judgement and desire for space.



Incredibly common. Don't make the fatal mistake of applying logic to a wayward! The effect on the brain makes them act drunk but they stick to the same script. I have NEVER seen an example of an A where the wayward did not volunteer incomplete truth. Actually I think in there was one woman who saw her H beat up the OM who volunteered everything, but that's the only example I've seen in two years here with daily examples. It's referred to here as trickle truth.

Also remember they'd already been caught, she also needs some way of keeping you on the back burner, away but not lost. She needs you on the back burner while she tries to win her lover back.

There's a good chance she will succeed unless YOU expose and you fight for her. You don't seem to understand that you have to expose to your kids, her family and even to the OMs wife. You don't actually have any idea she really knows.



You can't do that. If you live apart at such a critical time you will end up divorced for sure.

You've also not got the steps to ending an affair right. Limited contact actually encourages the affair. It is no contact for life. While contact is on the affair is on.

From the never take the word of a wayward thread:

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Isn't this all still just a moot point? He is leaving the circus next week. I can't speed that up, I have no connection to the circus. They are not talking, the other wife won't let them. I can't arrange for them not to see each other at all, I am 12 hours away and the camp is very small.

I also can't fix the distance issue. Not without quitting my job (which is our primary income) and demanding that she quit hers. If I understand things correctly, making demands of her (other than don't see HIM again) is the exact wrong thing to do right now.

Is the other wife living with him at the circus?

Yes, and they are both leaving next week because of her promotion.

So my wife and the other person will also be physically separated by hundreds of miles

And the wife personally confirmed this with you? Or are you going by what your wife claims?

Then make life easy on yourself and get a divorce. There is no hope for your marriage if the two of you don't live together.
You don't understand things correctly. You set the terms for recovery. These need to address the conditions that made the affair possible, and are called Extraordinary Precautions. Never being separated overnight is a basic EP.