My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have 18 month old twin girls and she is a student and stay at home mom. I work during the daytime and am home at nights. I had been feeling some distance from her for the past few months, missing our normal little chats, not quite as physically affectionate, etc but had just attributed it to the stresses of being busy parents. About 2 weeks ago, she confided to me that she had been involved with a professor at her college. Nothing sexual, but they had gone out a few times and kissed. I was torn down, I never expected that to happen at all. I tried to cope with the news as best I could, but progressively things got worse. I read email correspondence between her and the professor and was even more taken aback by how frank and personal the conversations were. Again, nothing sexual, but just talking about hopes and aspirations, exchanging numbers, making plans to go skydiving together and so on. It's important to note the emails were a couple months old, but it still hurt tremendously. Here was a man who was getting closer to my wife than I was. I couldn't understand it. I still don't think I do. We live up in Ohio by my wife's family, although my family is down in Florida. So when all this occurred I felt horribly isolated and alone. I would try to speak to my wife about it late at night but we would both be so exhausted from the days work that it was breaking our sleeping patterns. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and had thoughts of ending it, even buying bottles of Nyquil. I made anothre mistake in reaching out to my mother in law. Not that she is a bad person, on the contrary, she'd given me advice on some other things I'd asked about previously. However, when she confronted my wife about the situation, it was much more antagonistic than I anticipated. I thought she would tell her how disappointed she was but then offer advice and some support, bringing both of us together to find a common resolution( she's a psychologist by trade), but it turned out to be much more of a humiliating situation for my wife than I had envisioned. My wife was livid with me because her mom helps watch our babies and she felt that it would be awkward for her to ask to watch the kids going forward. I felt guilt at that. My wife was talking about separation, co-habitation, and even divorce by that point. I had reached out to this marriage builders site and actually got Dr. Harleys wife to address my situation on the air on either Tuesday or Wednesday, but was meeting with a pastor at a local church when the call came in and missed my opportunity. I hope to rectify that now. Yesterday, I was at a new low. I wanted to go back to Florida to clear my head and get away from the isolation. I told my wife I was going down, and that I hadn't put any resignation in for my job, I just used my vacation time, but I knew I was being manipulative to try and get her to close the distance which was now rapidly building between us. We texted back and forth all morning and finally got to a point where she said she didn't feel comfortable leaving the girls with me because she thought I might try to take them to Florida with me. I told her that I've never done anything like that and never harmed the babies before and that's not fair and she said she was just trying to be a good mom. She said I could see them with her there a couple times before I left but not alone. I was distraught, I felt that they were my kids too and I didn't need anyones permission to be with them. I had been watching them every night for almost the past year and a half by myself. I got off work and went to my sister in law's house next door and told her I was scared I wouldn't be able to see my kids. She drove with me to my mother in law's house where my wife and kids were and I played with them while the women went inside. They came back out and all were quiet. My sis in law then drove me back home to pack some bags and I came down to Florida to spend some time with my family. My wife and I have been texting back and forth trying to find some common ground to save our marriage all day. I'm looking for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If you think it is not more that emotional affair, you are in DENIAL.

Go back home and be a man!!!!!!! Do NOT leave the house again.
Contact an attorney, immediately you have property and parental rights. Do this first!!!!!!
Read up on this site about Plan A, Exposure, and snooping.
Gather intelligence on the affair.
Then blast out the exposure.

And post here regularly for advice.

gadishaw, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am so sorry for the tragedy in your life. I am unclear on whether your wife has quit school and ended her affair with this professor. Has the affair been exposed to the school? Is the professor married, and if so, have you notified his wife?

Your post is extremely hard to read because there are no paragraphs. You will get more help if you would break it down into paragraphs.

I would also advise that you go home immediately. Leaving your home when your marriage is in crisis will make the problem worse, not better. You can't save your marriage if you are gone.

Thanks for your response and advice. My wife has posted on the marriage builder 101 forum under the name ddless to put her viewpoint out there. As disparaging as certain parts of it were to me, i do appreciate that she at least posted. One of our biggest disagreements during this whole ordeal has been that she seems to not realize how much this infidelity hurt me. Lately, the way she talks to me, she is very quick to get angry with me and start name calling. I feel like the love we once had has completely dissipated. I moved up to Ohio away from everyone I know so that we could be close to her family and give her an opportunity to go to school. I work from 6-3 monday through friday and come straight home to watch the babies faithfully until she gets home around 9. Theres even been timed ive stayed up to help her study, and then I find out shes cheating on me. I understand we've had stresses and difficulties in our marriage, but i loved her with all my heart. I just keep wondering why. Ps sorry, i'm typing this on my phone

You haven't responded to the advice you've been given. When are you going back home?

Also, at this point I feel my wife has built up so much animosity towards me, i dont think she would welcome me back into the house. I am flying back up later this week though. I'm fairly certain she has made up her mind about the divorce though. It hurts to write that, but she has become more and more distant the past couple months.

As far as I know, the professor is divorced and the school does not know about the affair. He did know that she was married and had a husband and infants at home. What kind of person does that?

A person with poor boundaries around the opposite sex has affairs. And once an A begins, the fog sets in and both affairees become irrational. Don't try and figure it out rationally; it will never make sense to a rational person.

The affair needs to be exposed to the school. Most schools would take action against a professor who has romantic relations with a student, as it creates all kind of problems for the school in the form of sexual harassment and favoritism claims.

Expose to the school authorities after you have proof that convince a jury.

gadishaw, the first thing you must do is commit to NEVER EVER lashing out at her again. Do you understand me? If you can't do that, then you should not go home. You must get yourself under control NOW or we are going to tell her to not allow you home. Do you understand?

And that also means you never touch her without her express consent. No touching or groping in bed or anywhere.

DON'T bring up the affair anymore unless a new event comes up.

One thing I would do immediately is find out if this dirtbag is married and if so, expose to his wife. [find out on your own, don't take your wife's word on this] Google him, look him on up on facebook, but find out. If he is on facebook, then write a PM to his friends and family.

Go to the templates in my exposure thread linked in my signature and write up an email to the school, exposing the OM. Send the email tonight to the Human Resource department and to the superintendent.

Something like this:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your School's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

Professor Dirtbag and my wife, Ddess were involved in an extramarital affair that was taking place, primarily, at school. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. If you check the call histories on his office and cell phones along with his workstation computers, you will find they were spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

He is divorced and there are no offices etc so none of that will work but H can try if he wants to. I don't care. As far as stopping lashing out and bring the affair up, thats really all I want right now too. Nothing will get better if we can't move FWD.

Stay off his thread, DDless. If you want to address any points made here, bring them up on your own thread.

gadishaw, did you read this? It is real important that you find out if this guy is married and if so, expose to his wife. Don't just assume he is "divorced." Find out for yourself. The affair should be exposed to his family and to the school so he can't wreck other people's marriages.

Thank you for the advice Melody. I will do my research and take action. I've been thinking about this for a while

I attempted to search his name on google and facebook but only found a few links to ratemyprofessor.com. I will contact the school and go from there.

Also Melody I would like to respond and say I will not lash out again. My frustration just builds at the fact that my wife has been unable to comprehend how distraught I've been. But regardless of that, you are right. I must not harp on and on about the situation.

When I say no talking about the affair, I do not mean that you don't immediately address new findings, such as her email to the OM a few days ago. So I don't want you to think this is a gag order. She MUST end all contact obviously.

And I want you to pledge right here and now that you will NEVER AGAIN:

1. wake her up at night
2. touch her when she is asleep
3. grope her
4. watch porn

That cannot be happening. Do you understand? If your emotions are so distraught, you should go to the doctors and get placed on anti-depressants. Can you do this?