HHH....you have hit the nail on the head and I realize it. When I was on the show Dr. Harley also pointed this out. This has actually been a very hurtful and difficult thing for me as I have been trying for a long time to find mutual activities that we can enjoy. I would suggest something (for example kayaking) only to find out he had gone and done the same thing with someone else and not included me. Part of the problem is that he is very athletic and I am not...I recently started biking and we did do that together this weekend so that was good.

Has anyone else had difficulty finding mutually satisfying recreational activities?

What did you do when you dated?

Well, we were in college...so a lot of studying together, walking to class, just hanging out. We did like to go camping and biking together and travelled a lot to visit people as our families are all over.

We do a lot of things together...it's the ALONE together that is stumping me.

What would be fun to do? Try to come up with some things that would be fun that you would look forward to doing. So what do you like to do for fun?

Lola, can you be specific? How is that stumping you?

Have you filled out the recreational companionship inventory? It is free and is posted here on the site. My H and I came up with an entire list of things that we wanted to try. Some we tried and gave up and others we still do.

AM

Melody...we enjoy being with friends and family, but when we are alone I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about. Also I just feel like he would often rather be with other people than me...I am definitely not his favorite person to be with at this point.

Armymama...we have not yet. He is not all that interested in MB so I take what I can get. I will suggest it to him.

Do you still enjoy doing these things?

Is going to be awkward for quite some time. Do it anyway.


Here is some trouble in your thinking. Don't just "take what you can get." He will either care for you or he will not. Let him know that these are the things you need to be cared for. If he is unwilling to care for you in this way, prepare for a separation.

Wives do their husbands no favor by setting the bar low.

This really is true. It was very awkward for us at first. We just weren't used to sitting around talking. We had developed our own independent interests and had little to talk about in common. Mostly just the kids.

That's why I suggested focusing on finding fun things to do. It takes some of the pressure off of sitting there trying to come up with something to say to each other.

Find activities where there is plenty of opportunity to talk, but talking isn't the main event. For example, instead of going to dinner where you are just sitting across from each other with nothing to say, go to an amusement park together. Or take a cooking class. Or workout together. Just make sure it is a fun activity for both of you. As you accumulate these experiences, you will have things in common to talk about and the conversation will get a lot better!

Of course it is awkward! When you try new things it doesn't feel natural at first. So you just keep doing it and soon enough it will feel natural.


Probably true. But that is the point of this exercise, to make you his most favorite person.


Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. If you set the bar low, he will live down to your expectations.

On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates?

Do you flirt?

I have started biking again and we did do that together over the weekend. We like to hike/walk together also, but I have been having some issues with my foot so I can't do that right now--that has been a big loss.

Yes, I am realizing this more and more. I complain, tell him I cannot stay in a marriage like this, then he will throw me some crumbs (like "starting" to read Love Busters), but then a week later we are right back to where we were with me feeling disconnected and angry.

Thank you, these are very good suggestions.

I don't know why I struggle with setting the bar high. I know this is what I have to do. I am in the process of writing him a letter where I tell him exactly what I need from him. I plan on insisting that we do the Home Study program. Do you think that I should threaten separation if he doesn't cooperate?

I try!

I don't think I'm very good at this anymore. I did really try to the last time we went out. He is just not very receptive at this point which kind of deflates me.