And God.

RockSolid:

We know you can do this. It is the toughest thing you will ever have to do - EVER - but you can do it. We have seen the strength in you, and we know what it takes to get through it.

indie is right, don't focus on the long term. Or even the mid-term. Go thirty minutes. Then another. And another. That is how you climb the mountain, one step at a time.

Hi Indie

I always read your advice so carefully because I know how far you have come. And everybody else's for that matter too!

So I've listened carefully about setting small goals and just concentrating on the next half hour and taking baby steps.

It's 6am and I've been awake for 2 hours. I think still due to jet lag. I need to concentrate on my life and my beautiful son now.

So I forced myself to get up and tidy the kitchen and put a few things away in the house. Then I decided to hang up an Anne of Green Gables embroidered wall hanging on the wall that I bought on my holiday. I've put on a funny comedy to watch in the background. Thought about what I will cook my DS for dinner tomorrow night - a roast chicken with potatoes and vegetables since we haven't had a good home cooked meal since we've been on holidays.

Baby steps but I feel a bit better doing them.

So looking forward...I've written a list of other things I want to do. Not very big things but I need things to focus on:

* My DS is turning 8 in 2 weeks. I am going to give him a wonderful birthday. I am going to make him a special Spongebob birthday cake. He loves Spongebob. I am going to decorate the house with balloons and maybe some Spongebob decorations. I will look on ebay. Invite my DD over to celebrate with us. Plan some nice presents for my DS.

* My mum is turning 60 in September. Maybe plan a little party for her.

* Organise appointment with lawyer and organise financial settlement. When I get money I am going to put it in the bank and leave it there and save for a deposit on a house. I need to get out of here. Not ready to divorce yet so will just do the financial side first.

* Print photos from holiday and put some in frames on the wall. Put a nice one up of my DS catching fish on our holiday in his bedroom.

* Do a tapestry of Anne of Green Gables that I bought on holiday.

* Look into doing a couple of courses that may take me down a new career path.

I think these goals are do-able and not too hard and will give me something to aim for.

I have to live my life now on my own and live for my DS and make it the best I can be. I want to be a completely different person and come out the other side.

Yes that too!

Thanks catwhit. Yep it's hard and you are right. One step at a time is my best bet I think. Staying dark is paramount for me now.

That's a great list, RockSolid.

How about some self-care, too?
Bubble bath?
Pedicure?
Brisk walk around the block?
Online yoga program for 20 minutes?
Bring in some flowers from the garden?
Put on some lipstick?
Massage your legs with a great=smelling lotion?

Your turn....

Hi Catwhit

The bubble bath is a good idea. I've never had a pedicure so that might be an option. The exercise is good but I think I will work up to that. I've never tried yoga before but have always been interested.

At the moment I just feel like hiding from the world know what I mean? I might start with the lipstick

:-) Lipstick is good! Kudos on the list!!

Hello Rock,
Take solace knowing that this will pass. The pain is so very hard, but you have your integrity, your soul, and your family. In the end, all will serve you well.

This grief is real, but it will not stay with you because have been true to your pseudonym: a solid rock. Your actions right now are directing you along the right path, while your husband is heading for destruction.

You might use your suffering for the good of others through service, kindness, and compassion. There is a part of suffering that instructs us and builds our soul. Though we don't relish it, we learn from it.

God bless you.

Thanks Justthe3ofus. I am sure this will pass but I just can't see it at the moment.

I have often thought about doing things to help others. I will have to think on that some more.

It's funny how everyone can see that my WH is heading for destruction, but I don't seem to see it myself. I guess it's a case of others being on the outside and can see things more clearly than me?

Wow! You make my 'buy shoes' Plan B look bad girl. This sounds amazing. Just be sure not to ask too much of yourself. Always take breaks and go slow when going through periods of crisis.

I'm really, really, proud of you.

If you're interested, Yoga is very Plan B I think. It's all about stopping and focusing on the fact that you are warm, you are dry, that you have a body that works - and how wonderful those things are when they are truly appreciated. That your happiness and ability to relax are internal. Even stretching is a mini blessing, easy to appreciate when your mind is calm. There's no competition, you are just checking out what your body can do and how you can progress its abilities a little bit every day. I like to start the day with a salute to the sun move, a nice wakey-up stretch that is very easy to do and only takes five minutes. There's nothing like a proper class with a trained teacher though, especially for a beginner - find one with a guided meditation or relaxation. I don't like these new ones which are all 'power yoga' or 'hot yoga' because they miss the point. If you wanted to shed half a stone overnight or get your heart racing you would be doing another type of exercise entirely.

I know my Plan B looks good but in reality I'm just not coping. I'm back to square one. I feel so much pain and don't know how to go on.

Just knowing he has bought a house with her feels like it IS a game changer. There is no way she is ever going to give that up now.

I feel so alone and helpless. His life has moved forward and I am stuck in this horrible place that I can't pull myself out of.

I want to move forward and I can't. All I do is cry. The news of him buying the house is something that I would never have been able to avoid as eventually I would have found out that my DS was moving there.

How do I get over him? Everything seems so helpless right now.

His choice to abandon his wife and family are destructive in that he has murdered the most important relationships that he has. Marriage is the ultimate test and he has failed it. That non-passing grade doesn't go away. It carries on to his next relationship.

Your pain over him buying a new house with his affair partner is a bitter pill, and we understand your grief. Many of us have been there before. But there is nothing you can do about his choices.

You certainly need to protect yourself by seeing a lawyer if you haven't already.

In the meantime do the things that will help you keep your mind of your fogged out husband. By going into a solid Plan B you are minimizing the poisons of his bad choices. You are strong. Keep the faith, and find purpose in your life outside of him. The vacation you took was great. Find more things to do as a healthy outlet. I mentioned service to others, and I would also encourage an exercise program: yoga as Indie suggested, running, etc. The endorphins from exorcise provide a natural high. They will lift your spirits.

Good luck and God bless.

I just can't focus on anything to do anything right now. I'm not strong at all.

In 10 weeks time when he moves into the new house it will be crashing around me again. I can't go on anymore.

The pain is too great I can't see forward.

I want to ring OW and tell her the damage she has caused to a marriage and family. Not that she would care.

I hate my life.

I bet you can look up! Sometimes forward is just today or tomorrow. Up is? You tell me?
Phoning OW never going to happen, you would of done so already and felt so mad at yourself for being so daft! Yet by not doing so you already show strength, you just fail to see it.
You don't hate your life, or are you suddenly 13 again? You're frustrated about the things you can't control. Trust me. I won't say I've been there, I am there!
So what do you do? Anything! Everything, whatever you want to do. I don't need to suggest you focus on yourself or find a new hobby, just go howl at the moon and if it howls back laugh.
Don't miss everything else around YOU looking elsewhere

Yeah you are back to square one. It really sucks and it hurts like hell. Every trigger restarts the clock. Especially a big one like this so soon near the start. It does suck that you have to re-climb the same piece of mountain again - but you can do it. You already have done this once.



Your plan was NEVER based on what SHE was going to do!!!

That's like handing your life to a serial killer.

As for the house move - I always thought that was going to happen - almost all affair partners shack up together and a good many go as far as to marry. That's textbook.

Do you know what happens to shack-up relationships and affair-marriages where the participants have a death grip? Dr H says they are uniformly "brief, abusive and violent".

Aside from which Plan B is not about sitting around hoping they self combust. Your plan is to assume you will divorce, leave him in the bed of his own making and focus on yourself. It's survivial.


Your pain is talking, not your logic.




Ten weeks is TOO far ahead. Your mood is going to change multiple times between now and then. focus on today. What can you do for yourself today?

Indie the only thing I can do for myself today is get through today.

I know I've done it before but I keep failing.

I can't stop crying and I know it's over and I just can't seem to do this anymore. I feel helpless.

She's been living in our house for 2 years now but somehow them moving and buying a new house together seems to hurt so much more. I guess it's because they have this 'commitment' together now.

I guess it's because something is tying them together now.

I can't even focus on anything. Going to work is a struggle and find myself breaking down all the time.

I can't see any light at the end of the long tunnel.

Even when my DS cuddles me I am silently crying into his arms that I couldn't save our family.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{rocksolid}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

we WILL go through this! Be strong for your son!

Thanks xpbrain1 I really need a hug right now.

My DS cuddles me all the time but it's just not the same when I want WH to hold me.

I know Dr Harley states that after 2 years of NC a divorce will hurt less. Well I'm pretty sure the divorce will be coming very soon if OW has anything to do with it. I am in no means able to deal with a divorce right now. The pain I feel right now is unbearable and to be hit with a divorce on top of it all would just be too much for me.

WH knows a divorce will kill me but yet he will still do it I fear.

I just want a good day of no crying.