I've been registered here a long time, but have visited only when I was looking for some information. I visit to read, and post once in awhile, but haven't been active on a regular basis.

I wouldn't get into a lot of the details of the stuff that's gone on during the years we've been married on a public forum, but there are many reasons I'm angry. When I try to discuss something calmly around here, nothing ever gets done until I actually get angry about it. It's very frustrating.

I'll go read the article you've linked now.

Yikes, I recognize myself in several places in that article.

It's hard to discuss things calmly when the other person won't participate though. I like to talk things out and reach a conclusion.

My husband tends to say stuff like, "I can't debate with you." or, "We'll just have to pray about it and let the Lord fix it."

We're both Christians, but I think the Lord would have us do some of the figuring-out-of-solutions ourselves.

My husband can't stand any form of arguing or "disturbance", even if it's not a fight. He withdraws and won't participate. I enjoy a good debate.

He usually gets up and goes out to his shop, and I can't stand things being left up in the air, so I tend to follow him out to continue the conversation. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

One of his favorite comments to me is, "It's hard to hug a porcupine." Well, there wouldn't be any "porcupines" around if I ever felt like any of my issues were cared about, or that I was listened to.

I often ask dh if he'd like to find a way to repair our marriage, and I'll mention something helpful I've learned here, but that's as far as it goes.

It's not like there are big screaming wars going on here all the time. There aren't. It's just that we have a number of serious things going on that I'd like to find solutions to, and it doesn't help to hear platitudes.

I do admit that I've raised my voice a few times lately concerning a situation that's our biggest issue right now, and we don't get very far, except that he's told me to "shut up" twice recently, which he has NEVER said to me before.

I just went and looked at the online courses, and they are not affordable for us at this time.

If I remember correctly, we went through both of Dr. Harley's books in small groups at our church before we got married, but that was over 15 years ago.

Do you think we could fix a lot of our problems by getting copies of the books and going through them again? The books would be affordable for us.

I (stupidly) thought that dh and I could work this out and come to an agreement that worked for both of us. I was wrong.

When I mentioned the three months limit that everyone here said to set, dh said absolutely not, it would be impossible for his son to be on his feet and able to move out in three months.

Then I said, well, by the end of this year then, and no more.

Dh still said that would be impossible, and he stated again that a full year would be more realistic. I told him I don't think I can stand his son being down there for another year, and I don't think our marriage will survive a year if he is.

Then dh asked, if his son could keep it clean enough until the end of the year, could he be allowed to stay until the beginning of next summer? I very reluctantly told him that I guessed so, saying that I doubted the son could keep up his end of that arrangement any more than he has up to this point, and I still don't know if I can stand having him down there that many more months.

In trying to be "nice" and "reasonable", all I did was get myself involved in yet another "deal" that I really don't think will work for any of us, except maybe for dh's son, who can put off trying to find a new place for several more months.

Am I guilty of going back on my word if I change my mind again and tell dh that his son has 3 months to leave? I know I'm already the "bad guy" in this, so maybe it doesn't really matter.

Should I show this thread to dh so he can see what you've all said, or would that accomplish nothing?

There will be no peace in this house until the son is out of here, that I know for sure because he's become such a sore spot that I can't even stand the sight of him anymore, and I actually used to like him.

What everyone on this forum thinks does not matter.
And Dr. Harley would be the first to tell you that our opinions should not have an impact on the decision that you and your husband make concerning this.

Dr. Harley wants couples to resolve their differences together using the Policy of Joint Agreement; which is to never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

As a married couple, you have apparently not committed to following this rule. As such, you will continue to have unresolved conflicts and be in a tug of war with your husband until you both commit to following Dr. Harley's methods.

What did I say about the Dec 31st deadline?

"The probability of their meeting that deadline is effectively nil. What is more likely to happen is the son will clean up his act marginally, then your husband will come back to you with an assertion that he is meeting your requirements and should be allowed to stay longer. Any arrangement for time beyond the minimum required to find alternative housing is unacceptable. That would be three months at the most. Any later deadline is just playing you for time."

That is exactly the new agreement, isn't it?

Forget the deadlines. They are just going to drive you crazy. Tell your husband that either his son is leaving or you are leaving, and then plan for a separation. You are not going to survive in a marriage under these conditions.

The key to the program is implementing Dr Harley's principles. That is how you will make a difference in your life. I would get the new versions of His NEeds, Her Needs, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Start with Lovebusters and do the lessons in there and the lessons in FSTRL.

You might also greatly benefit from listening to the free daily radio program. That will help you understand the program.

Emailing the radio show is a great FREE resource. You can use an assumed name, and they will keep your identity private.

Are you willing to stop your lovebusting?

Here's a great article for your husband to read: How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

Will you and your husband write the radio show together? It would be very good for him to talk to Dr. Harley.

Your marriage is not going to survive this son living with you. Whatever comes before your marriage will ultimately destroy your marriage. The son needs to leave. NOW.

Yes, thank you. I'll e-mail the radio show, and order the books so we can start doing them.

I just completed the Love Busters questionnaire, and dh said he'll do one too.

Prisca, I'll forward the quarrelsome and nagging wife link to dh too. Thank you for sending that.

That article is exactly what has happened to us.

It would be good if you stuck to a single thread. Seeking advice on separate threads for each topic is going to result in confusion.

I looked, but didn't see a way to delete my other thread. If I e-mail a moderator, would they delete it for me?

Threads have been merged.

Whenever your husband says he won't help you, or meet your needs, or consider you as a priority, he feels that is an easy consequence free choice. He has no idea you're going to end up leaving him. It will probably come as a surprise to you too.

Wouldn't it be kinder to warn him of this highly likely outcome before all your love for him is dead? While there is still time?

I did tell him those exact things, that I felt like leaving, and didn't want to end up hating him.

We've both experienced divorce, and do NOT want to go through that again.

We've been talking and reading the material on this site for the last couple of days, and we both want to make a fresh start with each other, and turn our marriage around.

Annoying Habits are what he needs to work on, and Angry Outbursts are what I need to work on.

I hope it's really true that we can fall in love again because we'd both like to be examples to our grandchildren of a marriage that works.

one half, if you will both follow this program in its entirety, you can fall in love again. [versus cherry picking] The biggest issues on your marriage are your anger, his annoying habits and the son in the basement. The son in the basement problem needs to be resolved very soon.

I'd get your H on the phone with the Harley's and let them do the persuasion work.

Let us know when you hear back from the Harleys.