Have you considered using the Marriage Building Coaching to work with you and your husband directly, to help you integrate the POJA into your lives?

The main issues you have raised in your marriage are:

1. You do not follow the POJA
and
2. Your husband is not meeting your emotional need for financial stability

The solution we have to offer you is the Policy of Joint Agreement. You and your spouse need to be in enthusiastic agreement in the solutions you seek in marriage. There is little point in commiserating with you so that you can reinforce your resentment over things. It doesn't matter what others have done. It doesn't matter if your husband shows appreciation for your sacrifices or not. What matters is that you need to seek win-win solutions to these problems. As long as you persist in thinking that either you lose or he loses, you aren't going to get there.

I am a blended family of 7 and we are in a very loving, integrated marriage. We use POJA for everything.

Yes I've carried the insurance for my whole family of 7.

I strongly recommend you introduce your H to MB. If you've been following all these other websites and books no wonder you sound like you're very stressed out from your sacrifices and I'm sure your H feels it.

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?

I agree I think such a situation is very unusual and I wouldn't desire it if it were me. But if you want to keep your marriage, it's important to express your feelings about it non-judgmentally to your husband: you aren't okay with this, it bothers you, you don't want this responsibility. Leave out the language about what is right and wrong, how outlandish the situation, "good grief" or any other exclamations, what the Bible says, etc. I am a firm literal Bible believer but lecturing a spouse from the Bible is a sure sign to marital failure, not marital happiness.

I would tell your husband that you want a lifestyle change and you want to adopt a rule together that you don't do anything unless you are both enthusiastic. You are not enthusiastic about paying for this, so you won't continue to pay for it - and you stop. Then he is going to have to decide how he is going to respond.

I come from a stepfamily! And while my wife and I are not a stepfamily, we used to be a marriage with a LOT of fighting. Serious enough I was out of the house for awhile. Not to mention other problems.

And with the program here, we turned that around and are very happy.

We can teach you how to stop fighting and how to rebuild your marriage so that the problems you are bringing up are ELIMINATED. Does that appeal to you? There is a plan here which can achieve that for your marriage. Dr. Harley has worked with many stepfamilies, and many if not most of the people we've seen on this site are in a stepfamily situation.

I don't think ANYONE can perfectly understand what you are going through, even if they are personally in a stepfamily situation. Not many wives have been forced to pay insurance on their stepkids against their will, for example. But I don't think harping on how much people understand your feelings will help you much. Even if we can't totally feel the pain you are going through, we can help teach you how to eliminate the things that are causing you pain.

Peace in your marriage will come when you have an integrated marriage. You get that by using the POJA. Have you read about it?

Several, actually.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that YOU don't want to do that. So you and your husband need to find a different solution TOGETHER. And you need to do that respectfully. He is not going to be motivated to change anything if he must face disrespect such as "Good grief."

Please read up on disrespectful judgements, demands, and the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Let us know what you think.

What do you think he would do if he realized that? It is entirely possible he would realize it and do nothing - and I'm betting then you still wouldn't feel any better.

Focus on being able to explain exactly what you want your husband to do differently, rather than what you want him to feel or understand. A married couple may never understand each other perfectly but can still change their behavior together so that they please each other instead of bothering each other. (This is Biblical - please see 1 Corinthians 7.)

What do you want your husband to do differently?

I know what I would suggest that you do differently: I would say, STOP carrying your step children on your insurance. It is making you very resentful. It is much easier to change behavior than it is to change your feelings about a behavior. So stop doing what is hurting you so badly.

Thank you for answering but I have one more question...

Was your H always self employed and you have always carried the insurance or at the time of marriage did he have employer benefits and the situation changed later?

ETA: one more...

Is this your first marriage?

Did you hear Dr.Harley answer your letter on the show yesterday?

No I didn't hear the program.

My husband was self employed when we got married. He has had jobs with benefits, but since I've known him he has not worked for any one else. I love him, he's a very hard worker and he can build anything. There's an old saying that a person can take a sows ear and turn it into a silk purse. He can do that. He can take a building that is falling in and make it like new. He's very talented, but every time when I've brought up this topic he gets defensive. I mentioned it dec 31st that I know longer wanted the responsibility. I didn't accuse, I wasn't angry. I simply stated this fact and he got mad and said, I thought it was our money. You act like it's your money. You act like there's a separation, etc etc. he ranted and I got up to leave the house and he followed me to the car ranting on and on. I can't talk to him about this. I've tried several times. I would be ok if we both had insurance and were contributing equally, but this isn't the case.

Yes I've carried the insurance since the beginning of our marriage. Unfortunately this wasn't something the pastor who married us counseled us on. It was never brought up. Two years ago my dh broke his ankle and didn't work for two months. This is when things really hit me. He had no income. Normally if a person needed time off from a job, you'd still get paid. This isn't the case and I really felt burdened and realized then the load I'm carrying.

Is there a link, Prisca? I'd like to listen. Thanks

Not yet, but since it was Friday's show it should be replaying all weekend on the "listen now".

Thanks BH. I found it and listened to the clip.

I agree that POJA needs to be followed but I also do not think lovechicken gave Dr. H the whole story either...important details were missing.

Thanks for answering and I did listen to the radio clip.

It seems like you have more of a case of buyer's remorse IMO. This goes far beyond medical insurance. From what you have written, it appears you do not want to be financial integrated in any way. You shot down the prospect of having him reimburse you for the insurance premiums and don't seem open to any other options other than he gets private insurance or a job with benefits.

I understand why you are not happy lovechickens, but you also don't seem open to other options either. If your delivery to H is like this, I can see why he responds as he does. Also, if you keep bringing up that his children aren't yours (he knows this) in a disrespectful way, that is not going to go over well either.

I am not saying you should suck it up and continue to be unhappy about the situation but you also don't seem open to much discussion either...and sorry to say but as a parent...to hear you repeatedly telling him his children aren't yours (or your problem - implied) and that his DD read that as well makes you sound kind of cold.

I think perhaps your delivery to H needs work. I would be happy to make some suggestions to you but if he only has two choices I don't see much hope here.

lovechickens, did you listen to the show yet? Dr Harley essentially told you to stop paying for the insurance. That will motivate your husband to find other options.

Yes I listened to it. Should I have dh listen? I do agree with enthusiastic agreement. If I drop them it will motivate him to do other options? I don't think it would. My husband doesn't like insurance. He has two trucks for work and neither one is insured. I think he would be resentful if I dropped them. Kind of like the resentment I have with carrying it. I need to share mb. And get him to listen to the audio book he wins she wins.

Yes you do.

lovechickens, why did you marry this man? Is financial support a high EN for you?

The danger here is not HIS resentment, but YOURS. Your resentment level is reaching danger levels NOW. He will only be "resentful" until he finds new insurance for them. And he may decide not to do that. That is his choice, not yours.

I would do as Dr Harley suggested and cancel the insurance. Or perhaps give him 30 days to obtain another policy and then cancel it.


They are his children and it is his right to not insure them if he "doesn't like insurance." He is the parent so this is his issue, not yours.

I think financial support is a high emotional need for me. I grew up in poverty and a single parent home, and the fact that my husband has no benefits is troubling. I asked him once what is he going to live on after retirement. Most people have a pension. He doesn't.