I will try to make this as short as possible by using a cliff type method rather than entire book.

been married 4 years, together for 5 1/2 yrs
(her first marriage, my second)

have a daughter that is turning 3 in a few months
have been trying for almost 2 years for second child - including recent fertility drugs - in middle of trying still when she brought up these issues

we both work full time jobs

few weeks ago i noticed my wife being pretty defensive and in a bad mood. finally she told me that she is about ready to "check out" of the marraige. We have had our issues in the past, but nothing that seemed major.....until her bringing them up now.

she told me :
-feels like I have not been there for her for the past 4 years
-I don't appreciate anything she does
-she feels like she is a single mom
- she said there is no one else (no affair)
- since I've lost 40 lbs over the past 7 months and getting back into shape she feels like she isn't good enough for me - I did it for her! so she would be more attracted to ME


she had been spending a lot of time messaging on her phone and facebook. I was in shock, at first I thought the fertility drugs were messing with her hormones. Maybe I was wrong to do it, but I accessed her facebook via her ipad and found out that she had been talking to her cousin, aunt, brother and friend about these issues for a while. saw how she was saying that she don't think I can give her what she wants and needs, i'm not going to change my ways, etc. Also saw a message stating that "it's hard not to think about tim, especially when i work with him every day" .... that is the one that ripped my heart out!!

the next day I noticed that several of the messages had been deleted. we did talk some more and I confronted her and told her that I read the messages and repeated the one about tim. She asked why i would do such a thing.....

we have talked about the issues, and she just stated that tim has complimented her the way she wishes I would. he is married as well and she said that there is no affair. evidently he just tells her she has a nice butt (her words) and he is an "ok" looking guy, but is sort of an [censored]. (her words also)

anyway, while she was pregnant we argued and she wanted us to go to couneling. I didn't feel we needed it and she dropped it. After having our daughter, she went to a counselor and when i asked what she was going for she just said she was dealing with things. she never suggested it had to do with us, but did mention about post pardum depression and the fact that she has nothing to do with her mother and she wants to be a good mom. - she brought this up recently but said that she went to the counselor for two years by herself because I didn't want to go?

quite a lot more details, but fast forward ....
obviously, after she knew I read her message on the ipad...she quit using her ipad and computer for facebook. she has a pass code on her cell phone, but i don't know if that is new or she had it.

unfortunately, i am still very suspicious and in paranoid mode!!! it is eating me alive!!!!! it's been a couple weeks and I do realize that I am not as much of the husband I probably should have been and have made some changes. she feels they are not legit and with me doing more around the house she feels like I'm going to throw it in her face later.

I do keep an eye on messages still, but she keeps them deleted. I know this because the cell phone bill shows many numbers (some of them I know) and her phone does not reflect even half of the messages.
facebook is the same way, messages deleted. however..... there was ONE message from tim that said "lol" that's it.... this really upset me!

we have been doing pretty decent I think, and we are still having sex (which she is asking why I want it so much lately)...and we had a talk tonight.

I told her I just need a little bit of assurance that I am meeting her needs. she said I'm going overboard and need to dial it down. I don't think so, but I guess I can do that as much as it hurts me to do so. I told her I know things won't be fixed over night, and that I just need to know we are moving in the right direction . her response was "all I can tell you is we are trying". I feel if I back off too much she will feel like I'm not trying.

she feels that my changes are temporary and I'm just doing everything to fix things instantly. as for the new sex drive she accused me of, it is legit but it's a combination of me losing 40 lbs and feeling better about myself and not feeling like she is disgusted with me. (a whole other story about sex life)

I truly love her with all my heart and have made it clear that i have never and will never go outside the marriage to meet my emotional or physical needs.

I have been spending a lot of time reading posts and articles on how to cope but I am seeing way too many negative stuff. I need positive affirmation

I actually did start reading the "his needs her needs" and the how affair proof is your marriage part, i couldn't go any further because it made me feel like my wife is brewing an affair with her co-worker.

I am planning on seeing a counselor starting next week as our employer offers an "employee assistance program".

it is extremely hard to have the possiblilty of the love of my life working on an affair.....especially when I don't know for sure. the "what if" is killing me!!!!!

need help with:
- how do I relax and cope? if she feels I don't trust her or if I continue in paranoid mode, she will not want to try

- how do I show affection and love without annoying her - i cannot wait to meet her at home and hug her, kiss her and tell her I love her

- I have been breaking down and crying A LOT over the past few weeks! I'm not a person that typically cries! the last time (before recent) was my father's funeral (6 yrs ago) and visiting my father's grave

Sorry to tell you, but this is an emotional affair at the very least. Do you talk to women, that you work with, like this?

Also, notify the MODS so they can move your thread to SAA,

Please read. The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Is this co-worker married?

That's because your "paranoid" feelings are telling you something is wrong. Listen to your gut and put some spyware on her devices. Why would she need to delete the messages if they are totally innocent?

Hi woohooboy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You should not trust your wife because she is untrustworthy. She is blackmailing you into not snooping because she has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. She is hiding her affair with her coworker.

The key to saving your marriage is getting the evidence of the affair and then ending her relationship with Tim. We can help you do this. But first you need to very quietly slip spyware on her phone. If she has an iPhone you can do this fairly easily with this program: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2805367&gonew=1#UNREAD

Continue being as loving as possible while you become a super sleuth. Once you get the evidence, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

You don't need a counselor, you need help saving your marriage. WE can help you do this if you will follow this advice.

here

yes, he is married.

She does not have iPhone, android. Don't think I can get her phone long enough to install:(

Another part of the message about him was something about him keeping away and it almost bothered her.

There has not been any time for a physical affair unless it is at work....and highly doubt that is possible in their setting.

She has an android phone? There is great spyware for androids.

Check this out. Operation Investigate

Frankly, in the typical scenario we see here where the husband is posting, the wife doesn't want to try, period. Many of us have saved our marriages DESPITE having a wife who did not want to try.

So don't let this scare you from doing what needs to be done. Follow the plan here, because it works. Collect evidence of an affair (or evidence to prove there is no affair, but I'll bet there is), expose it, and then follow the other plan steps. EVENTUALLY you can turn your wife's feelings around. But for a long time, she will probably fight you - especially if you take steps that will combat her affair.

woohooboy,

I suspect part of the reason your W is annoyed with your weight loss is it removes the justification "he's fat" for leaving you. A wayward will often become angry at their spouse for improving themselves.

I agree with the other posters this is at very least an emotional affair with this fellow from work. Emotional affairs can be very devastating btw.

God Bless
Gamma

This is true. One of the biggest red flags for an affair is a) vague complaints that you can't fix b) complaints that you fixed something too well!

The guy she's working out with is probably a lying playah who can be easily run off using the steps here. Get your proof and then rock their world using exposure. The OM will be after easy meat and he will run once you start messing with him.

So I know her password for her phone. Confronted her about deleting texts and denying that she contacts tim through Facebook messaging. Tjat did not go over well. She is furious And will not even talk to me . Said she doesn't even know what to say or if she wants to keep trying.

Completely heart broken right now. She said she feels like she is not allowed to talk to anyone. I tell her she can have friends and I dont ccare who they are, just be honest and open about it.



She said she feels like she is on egg shells and and under a microscope. I try to tell her to look at it from my point of view.....

I married her because I never thought I would ever have to worry about trust..... and I told her I trust her but not him and things always start out innocent.

Will see how things play out the next couple days.

If she leaves, I will not survive!Honestly been having a lot of thoughts of suicide that I should not since there are many hand guns in the house.

Dont think I could ever act on them because I need to be there for my daughter. ...but just being honest since I have no one else I can talk to.

This is all totally expected and normal. Just keep reminding yourself of that. It still sucks I know, but keep your head up. This too shall pass.

Your WW is a total alien right now. Think of it like that. It's not her, it's some evil alien that has taken over her body. Keep fighting this thing. Your daughter needs you to.

I'll refer you back to this post by Markos:


Keep on the path and listen to those who have traveled this path before you. This is far from hopeless!

The key to saving your marriage is getting the evidence of the affair and then ending her relationship with Tim. We can help you do this. But first you need to very quietly slip spyware on her phone. If she has an iPhone you can do this fairly easily with this program: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Continue being as loving as possible while you become a super sleuth. Once you get the evidence, come back here and we will help you with next steps.

Don't find stuff and then run to confront her right away! You are letting her know your sources of info.

The right way to do it is what Melody has suggested. Quietly!!!! snoop, gather your evidence, and THEN without warning you will expose what is going on. I know it is very hard to sit on that info, but that is the way to do it. You will kill this affair dead if you do it the right way!

Don't just skim over this! This is key information. This is your plan of action!

Well, I'm not sure I really want to snoop anymore. She knows I know about him. I highly doubt it has reached the physical point yet and already confronted the emotional aspect. If it continues or does become physical..... I will end it myself. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can .
When we were dating I "spied" on her for a while and realized she was one of the most trustworthy people I ever met. Wouldn't have married her otherwise (hard to find true trust). I reminded her of that and i guess we will see how the next few days play out.

All I want is fir us to move forward befire it is too late.

Wish me luck