RR,
I get it you are afraid of the reaction from your wife, we all were.
There was a guy on here just a few months ago, who was cautious as you regarding exposure. His wayward wife went absolutely crazy after the exposure(he got locked up in mental institution for a few days). Guess what, when the fog lifted, his wife was grateful and happy that he fought for the marriage.

We all believed the lies(for some period of time) that the wayward and/or the affair partner said, and even defended our wayward spouse. IN THE END, THE LIES ALWAYS COME OUT.

This is exactly where you are, afraid of the reaction of your wife, and stuck in denial.

All the things you tell us your wife is saying reeks of wayward behavior, especially now that you know she was pursuing him for SEX. Can't you see the hypocrisy? She wants you to forget about it, so there will be no accountability.
At the very least she has the worst boundaries around men.

Did you ever expose?

Just to a handful of family members. The reason I haven't updated my post lately, is because I found out a lot of details, that confirmed to me that it was not a PA. There is no way to convince others on this board, so I chose to continue to work through our problems on my own.
I do agree, that an EA can be just as damaging as a PA, because I cannot immagine going through more pain then I have through this. I have so much empathy for others on this forum.
I hope one day I will feel like I can fully trust my wife again.

Good luck using your own program Sir.

I am not using my own program "Sir"...I am learning MB principles and applying them to my marriage. I choose not to post, because people can be cold. I was pretty much told before that I was a coward, and that I do not care about my wife or my family.

So she quit then, right?

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Has the affair stopped?

Did she write a NC letter? Put EPs in place?

I am 99% sure that it has stopped. Something that I explained before, that nobody believed, is that she ended it on her own before I found the texts. It is a long story, that involves many different factors. Basically, what I know now, is that I was living in plan A for 6 months. After the initial incident that happened in November, I put everything I had into our marriage. I became the husband that I always should have been. Let's just say that for 17 years, I maybe did 2 loads of laundry, and since the beginning of this year, I help every week, and have become quite good at it. My point is, I did everything I could think of to improve our marriage.
The big mistake I made, is that in February, after my wife had been back to work for about a month, I made a statement to her that was something along the lines of "I forbid you to talk to him, or be friends in anyway with him"', (which I still believe that is the way it should have been), but she told me that when I said that, she felt like I was being too controlling. She said that is when she decided to start texting him. What didn't help, is that she had a girl friend at work that was telling her that it is perfectly acceptable to text other guys. So she started to text him, and part of it was rebellion, and to spite me. She said in her mind, he was nothing more than a friend, so she wasn't afraid of it leading to anything inappropriate. She said for the first month or so, it was mindless chatter, and there was never anything inappropriate said, but then he started making comments about how he wished that he could meet a woman like her, and then basically started leading on to the fact that he wanted to be more then friends. That is when they started talking about going to lunch, and he would tell her that if they went to lunch, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off her. She said at this point it dawned on her that all the warnings I had given her months before, were true. She said she began to feel so guilty that she had let it get to that point.
This is where some very important things started to happen in the background. As I said in my original posts, I had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even though I was doing all the right things. Well it just so happened, that I was also doing a lot better spiritually, and I personally believe that when you are living righteously, the spirit can direct you. I started having promptings, that we needed to start praying together as a couple morning and night. She said later, that this was right around the time that he started being more direct about what he really wanted. She said because of all of the things I had been doing to improve our marriage, really had been having an affect on her, even though she knew what she was doing was wrong. She said this is when she decided that she had to put a stop to the situation, before it ended up going too far( in my mind, it had already gone way too far). So she wrote him a letter, that explained how much she loved her family, and that they could no longer be friends. Like I also explained in an earlier post, this is when I noticed the texting stopped cold.
Let me just say that I believe in the power of prayer, and I think all married couples should pray together often. Believe me, we have had many, many discussions about this situation, and we both feel like god had a hand in helping us through. She said if I would have found out about the texts a month earlier, it may not have turned out as good, because she feels like she had to learn for herself, and end things on her own terms.
I know this doesn't fit the MB guidelines perfectly, but believe me there has been a major change of heart on her side. She was truly remorseful, and our relationship has improved so much. I am the big hold up now, because I am unwilling to forgive her, and trust again, but she has done so much to be deserving of forgiveness. I have just been too prideful and hurt to accept her apologies. There is so much more to this story, that just can't be explained on a forum, so that is why I decided to not post anymore. Nobody really understands the whole situation like I do. Deep down inside, I know that we are going to be okay now, I just have too work through my issues.
I don't know how much of this made sense, but I hope it explains it a little bit better.

Reconciliation and forgiveness are possible through what Dr. Harley calls Just Compensation. She must take extraordinary precautions to make sure an affair doesn't happen again. That means no hidden e-mail accounts or phones, no secret passwords on her phone and computer, and total transparency.

She must eliminate independent behavior and opposite sex friendships. If there is more you need to know, ask her to take a polygraph test.

Finally, as you work towards recover, spend 20 hours a week giving each other you undivided attention. This is critical. Dr. Harley recommends that couples who are recover start this by taking a vacation together for as long as possible.

Did your wife ever leave her job or is she still working with the OM? Isn't he her boss?

In other words,

She is still working with OM (clearly you have avoided answering this basic recovery step).

You have not followed NC guidelines.

There has been no exposure.

Sir, you have not really followed ANY recommendations by Dr. Harley. This is a perfect example of choosing to ignore his advice and do what you want instead. Fine, but this plan has no resemblance to Dr Harleys affair recovery.

It isn't an insult to point this out. You are upset because you are being told what you don't want to hear.

It explains perfectly. With all due respect, the members of this forum understand the situation BETTER than you do. You are the least objection person here. You are willing yourself to blindly trust while sending your wife to work every day with the OM. You are relying on some hollywood version of forgiveness to convince yourself that you should be OK with this. It is NOT going to work.

The forum would not be very good friends to your marriage if we watched it crash and burn in this way without saying anything that might make you uncomfortable would we? Dr Harley does not recommend blind trust, or forgiveness. He recommends NC and exposure.

As far as Independent behavior, and friendship with the opposite sex, this is where I have seen the biggest change in her. Back in December thru February, whenever I would bring up the fact that she should not be close friends with members of the opposite sex, she would fight me tooth and nail, and say that I was being controlling, and over reacting. She would use the classic term �You just don�t want me to have friends�. She would also naively say �It�s not like he wants anything more than to be friends�, to which I would inform her that if a man shows interest in you like that, it is not because he just wants to be friends. She thought I was crazy, and we would argue quite a bit on the subject. Now, fast forward to present time, when we have a conversation about friends with the opposite sex, she says she now sees why I said what I said back then, and that she understands why she has to have very strict boundaries around men. This is usually followed by her saying how sorry she is for hurting me, and that she wishes she could take it back. Her attitude has completely changed, and she is so much more open and loving.
Another place where we have made progress, is in the area of her admitting to having an Emotional Affair. Back in June she would get really offended if I would call it an EA, and argue that it wasn�t that at all. Now she is upfront and willing to admit that it was an EA, and that she knows that what she did was wrong. One night, we were talking, and she asked me what my definition of an EA was. I told her that to me, it is any relationship that you have to lie, and hide from your husband, I don�t care if it is a boy or a girl. After this conversation, she agreed that what I said was true, and that hiding that from me was very wrong. She said she had never thought about it that way before, and now she doesn�t get all angry when I call it an EA.
As far as UA time, we have made this a major priority, and we spend a lot more time together than we used to. We really need to keep track of how many hours, but it has to be close to 20 hrs. She was even willing to read and talk about the Emotional needs on MB, and has read other articles with me on there, which before, when I first posted back in June, she would not even read anything I asked her to. Also, she changed her shift to Days, so now we work the same shift, and see each other every night, and go to bed together, and say a prayer together every night. I recognize now, that this was a major part of the events that happened, because we had been working opposite shifts for quite a while, and we were not spending near enough time on the weekends together, and we wouldn�t even see each other Mon thru Thu.
As far as working with the OM. This is still very hard for me to deal with, and we still have days that I struggle really bad, just with the thought that she might see him. The only good thing, is that he is actually her bosses boss, which is like a department head, and they were pretty much going out of their way to talk to each other back then. She never has any reason to go to him as an employee. She has agreed to never talk to him, and they do not even say hi to each other. I know a couple of her friends that work with her, and I have messaged them through facebook(which I feel bad about, because I feel like that is doing exactly what I asked her not to do) They have promised to tell me if they even see them talking at all. If I even catch wind of any communication between them, I have a letter prepared to send to HR, and other important people in their company, and at that point I would absolutely insist on her leaving the job immediately. I know most of you will say that I should do both of these things anyway, but because of the circumstances, and the fact that she ended things before I found out, and not because I found out. I am giving her one more chance. This company has no tolerance for anything of this nature, and I am positive that both of them will lose their jobs, if I were to go forward, which would up root our whole family, because of how much we rely on her job. Believe me, I would not feel one bit bad about him getting fired, and I will not hesitate to send that letter if I even catch wind of something. With all that being said, she says she despises him, and does not even want to say hi or talk to him anyway. I know that you guys will say that is her just trying to pull the wool over my eyes, but I believe her, and I know that she has set up good barriers.
So this is where we are at right now, and I actually have hope for once, and feel good about where we are heading. I still have bad days, but over all things have been very good between us.

Works ng with an affair partner, no exposure, and no extraordinary precautions, in summary, everything you are doing to "recover" is what Dr. Harley firmly warns against.

I'm not sure how we can help you if you are unwilling to listen to even the most basic principles. What good is a four hour date with you when she just spent twice that earlier with him? Do you want to spend all Monday to Friday for the next few decades wondering if she will go for lunch with him...?

You are hurting yourself so badly here by not making a stand.

RR,

Please, learn from my experience (mistake)...

Do you want to know when my FWS' affair ended, and we were atleast able to begin recovering our marriage???

THE DAY MY W AND THE OM STOPPED WORKING TOGETHER!

That was the DAY I exposed...after resisting the vets, and hemming and hawing for 3 stupid months!!!

I could've ended the affair 3 months earlier by exposing to the workplace, which I did, eventually, and that's the day the affair ended.

Oh, and by the way, don't try to fool yourself....for ANY length of time there is ANY contact of ANY kind...the affair is still ACTIVE.

One of them must leave, or there will not be a marriage to recover.

Period.

It's comments like that, that drive me crazy. First of all, she doesn't spend anytime, I mean Zero time with him at work. I am not worried about her going to lunch with him at all. My wife admits, that back in Novermber when she originally told me about him, was she was trying to wake me up, that I needed to give her more attention. It was a cry for help. She didn�t have to tell me any of that. I was neglecting her, and I needed that wake up call. I am not ignoring the advice given here. I have used a lot of advice from back in June, that helped me a lot. We are VERY, VERY good right now. I cannot explain to you enough, that there are major changes that have been made by both of us.

Good Luck!

If what you say is all true, then you might have a slight chance. That being said, you are in the 1% of all affairs, count yourself lucky (maybe you should buy a lottery ticket).

You are in a high risk marriage as long as your wife works there.

I know you think we are all mean and nasty, but as people come on this forum, they have to be get hit with 2X4's to wake them out of their fear/denial/ignorance, etc.

I will take a parting shot, you will never recover because you are not able to forgive and move ahead because there has been NO just compensation and not nearly enough EP's.

This is from the first page in June. Maybe we are driving you crazy by saying you aren't following basic recovery, but that is simple fact.

Yeah, heard the SAME thing, RR.

No time together at work, none...she told off OM, that we're "working on our marriage".

We were VERY, VERY good as well in October, November, December, etc...

They didn't work together, either...ZERO...but still passed each other in the hall, on the elevator, in the company cafe, going to their cars in the parking lot, etc in October, Novermber, December, etc.

You are making a mistake and bypassing your gretaest opportunity to recover your marriage and save your wife by not expossing to the workplace and allowing your W (or the OM) to remain there, working together...2 affair partners.

Godspeed.

Just skimmed this thread today. Re-reading and will have more comments but wanted to start with this one:


A wayward who still works with their affair partner will WORK HARD to convince the BS that they do not speak or interact with the OP anymore. Even going so far as to make the BS believe the marriage is better.

Why? So that the BS will back off.

How do we know this? Because we see it on these forums all the time. We see the same things fold over and over and over again because people in affairs all act the same. They are in the fog and don't want to stop taking hits off the crackpipe (OP). That's why it's important to IGNORE the words of the WS (a proven liar) and follow the plan.

We know better what your WW will do than you do. Because we have seen this scenario unfold thousands of times before. The affair is still ON.