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There are 168 hours in a week. Your husband spends about 87 of those either at work or driving to and from work. If you sleep 8 hours a day (56 hours a week), that only leaves 25 hours a week for everything else in life.
It seems obvious that your husband must work fewer hours for this to work out.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 08/07/14 10:00 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
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We get it. Fewer hours would be the best option. We are interviewing.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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ML ,
Got caught up in responses here today. Yes I am starting letter.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Joined: Apr 2001
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ML ,
Got caught up in responses here today. Yes I am starting letter. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are there examples of "plan A" letters on this site? I've check around. Just to get me started. I have asked this same question...are there?
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We get it. Fewer hours would be the best option. We are interviewing. You imply here that your agreement with your husband is to add another doctor to take over some of his current load. This might be a good time to reevaluate whether or not you are still enthusiastic about that agreement. Not sure if I am reading too much between the lines.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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We get it. Fewer hours would be the best option. We are interviewing. You imply here that your agreement with your husband is to add another doctor to take over some of his current load. This might be a good time to reevaluate whether or not you are still enthusiastic about that agreement. Not sure if I am reading too much between the lines. yes.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Joined: Apr 2001
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what did your letter say? What did he say when you gave him all your conditions? Have you started looking for apartments?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, investigating apartments.
Very basically:
20 hours UA time per week. We sit down and plan week each Sunday.
No consideration or even negotiating individual activities if we aren't getting UA time.
Get out of the house for UA time.
Thus far positive results. I'm encouraged but we'll see if this is sustained. I'd say a lot depends on myself standing firm and not allowing other activities to creep in.
thanks.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Last night went sideways. Husband arrived home a bit late and his father called. Our planned outing activities did not happen. I emoted during dinner when he asked "what's wrong?" I went over love busters of the day and concerns about our vulnerabilities in this process. I explained I did not want to play therapist and keep us on track. I asked if I was his joy, what got him through his day. Basically its a no. He loves me as his wife and friend. But what pulls him home to me is fear based. I told him he keeps me confused.
I'm not sure what to do with this. Its demoralizing. Hard to look at our planned week and get jazzed as I was yesterday and Sunday when we were having a fun day. Its painful to just get to the point of the romantic threshold and get shot back down.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes, investigating apartments.
Very basically:
20 hours UA time per week. We sit down and plan week each Sunday.
No consideration or even negotiating individual activities if we aren't getting UA time.
Get out of the house for UA time.
Thus far positive results. I'm encouraged but we'll see if this is sustained. I'd say a lot depends on myself standing firm and not allowing other activities to creep in.
thanks. Did you complete the UA worksheet for your first week?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes, all filled out with just over 20 hours framed out.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Joined: Apr 2001
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yes, all filled out with just over 20 hours framed out. ok, so he stood you up on the first night? What was your scheduled plan for last night?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes, all filled out with just over 20 hours framed out. ok, so he stood you up on the first night? What was your scheduled plan for last night? This is where I personally get confused. Technically he arrived home 40 minutes late. He did apologize for being late. Would you still call this being "stood up"? husband functions or shifts into game on mode after apologizing. I feel like a spoiled sport. Plan: 7 pm hike ~40 min.w/talking or IC Prep dinner together Eat dinner w/IC Exercise 30 min together
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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yes, all filled out with just over 20 hours framed out. ok, so he stood you up on the first night? What was your scheduled plan for last night? This is where I personally get confused. Technically he arrived home 40 minutes late. He did apologize for being late. Would you still call this being "stood up"? husband functions or shifts into game on mode after apologizing. I feel like a spoiled sport. Plan: 7 pm hike ~40 min.w/talking or IC Prep dinner together Eat dinner w/IC Exercise 30 min together How many dates outside of the home are there on your schedule? Because surely you can see how easy it is to get distracted at home? NOT EVEN Dr Harley and Joyce plan their UA time at home for this reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Last night went sideways. Husband arrived home a bit late and his father called. Our planned outing activities did not happen. I emoted during dinner when he asked "what's wrong?" I went over love busters of the day and concerns about our vulnerabilities in this process. I explained I did not want to play therapist and keep us on track. I asked if I was his joy, what got him through his day. This is your idea of a fun date?? Going over love busters and "concerns about your vulnerabilities??" You ARE playing therapist and I will tell you my H would run screaming from the room if I talked like that during our hot dates. Plan your dates out of home and be as PLEASANT as possible. They should be so enjoyable that neither of you want the night to end.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2010
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OP
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Last night went sideways. Husband arrived home a bit late and his father called. Our planned outing activities did not happen. I emoted during dinner when he asked "what's wrong?" I went over love busters of the day and concerns about our vulnerabilities in this process. I explained I did not want to play therapist and keep us on track. I asked if I was his joy, what got him through his day. This is your idea of a fun date?? Going over love busters and "concerns about your vulnerabilities??" You ARE playing therapist and I will tell you my H would run screaming from the room if I talked like that during our hot dates. Yes, this was terrible. I don't know how to have fun and be fun with him anymore. I'm so sensitive to rejection and then make matters worse. He asked "what's wrong?" He'd been late. Got a call from his dad and talked 30 minutes. I was hurt. I'd been reading here about being one another's joy at days end and I wanted to know where he was at after all he'd ben late to our date. I really don't think he considers our UA dates as dates. I certainly want to get out f our negative loops. I get it in theory but emotionally I get triggered easily. Plan your dates out of home and be as PLEASANT as possible. They should be so enjoyable that neither of you want the night to end.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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How many dates do you have planned OUTSIDE the home?
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On Sunday I'd asked my husband if we could sit down and plan out our week.
He took to writing out the agenda. I asserted we'd need to get out and have blocks of time.
He was opposed to going out. I suggested going out to dinner from his office and a Friday movie. He was agreeable. The other outings were basically going for walks around the neighborhood or a bike ride (just bought a tandem). He felt dinner prep could be workable was to spend time.
Anyway, this is how its framed:
Tuesday:
bike ride 30 min
dinner prep
dinner
(convo/affection)
Wed:
out to dinner
convo/SF
Thurs:
archery range (1 hour)
picnic
Friday:
movie
dinner out
SF
Sat:
Home Depot
lunch
church
dinner at home prep together
convo,affect,SF
I see some issues in this plan besides the stay-at-home thing. should we have all 4 goals of UA time as part of the "date?" each time? IC, RC, A, SF?
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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