I'm a step mom. My husband and I rarely are on the same page. Recently my 18 year old step daughter asked if she could use our car 3 days a week to school. My husband said he was ok with it. She asks me and I say...I need to talk to your dad. Which she replies .....he already said it was ok. So if I say I disagree then they are both mad at me, and if I go,along with what they want then I'm unhappy. We own the car, we pay for the insurance, license and upkeep, and the bus is free which picks her up and drops her off.
I suggested to my DH that we sell it to her, which he replies....your controlling. It's a headache and a huge hassle that I don't want to deal with anymore. Any suggestions? We struggle with resolving conflict. We aren't in agreement.
lc, this is basically a new iteration of the same problem that you first came here with. The problem is that when we give you the MB answer to this basic problem, you do not act on the advice, abandon the thread, and then come back with the same issue in another form.
The basic, and monumental problem you face is that your H does not put you and your marriage first. He does not agree to use, or see the rightness of using, POJA as a first principle. POJA is the way of reaching agreements that ensures that neither spouse gains at the expense of, or regardless of the interests of, the other. Where matters concerning his children arise, that would mean his making no decisions until and unless the two of you first come to an enthusiastic agreement about the course of action.
Your H's refusal to POJA is compounded by his temper. He will use angry outbursts and terror to intimidate you into shutting up, both during the immediate discussion and as a threat in the longer term. You can do nothing unless your H stops his angry, aggressive behaviour once and for all, and also negotiates and discusses issues with you before he reaches agreements with his children.
The first version of this problem was over your H's demand that you put him and his children on your insurance policy, while he refused to insure anything - even the vehicles he drives. The next was over his son treating your home like a hotel, losing his license and expecting lifts whenever he needed, and stealing from your bank account into the bargain. The next was over his allowing his daughter to use your car, which you didn't want, and when she is entitled to a free bus ride to school, and now there is this.
You have said several times that you want to move out, and once, that you were actually moving out, but I can see that you don't want to do that. However, you recognise the problem for yourself; your H won't take you into account when it comes to an issue with his kids, and you do not know how to get him on board with POJA. You also recognise no that his two previous divorces were not all those wives' fault, as he claims. The truth is, he has no intention of doing what it takes to have a happy marriage.
Well, the sad answer is that there is no magic way to get him on board with POJA. Your attempts to negotiate are met with bullying and aggression. He refuses to read a Harley book and he refuses to listen to you when you tell him why you are unhappy.
You have tried for a long time, using Dr H's recommendations on negotiating, to get him on board with taking you into consideration, and he will not. There remain only two choices: to put up with the situation, accepting that it is not likely to change, or separate.
You could separate with a view to dating and maintaining your marriage until the children are out of the home, and until you see consistent, sustained, extraordinary care of you (POJA), or you can separate with a view to calling it a day. However, separation, with one aim or the other, is the only way to sotp this abuse.
