Her response to Dr Harley's advice is to say to me "So if I have sex with you three times a week, you'll let me get a job?" It's hostile.

FightTheFight:

The goal of having a romantic relationship where both of you are in love with each other is our goal for all couples we coach. It's not just about sex, it's about a couple bonding with each other romantically which is what they both expected when they first married. If your wife had sex with you twice a day for the rest of your lives together it would not fulfill that goal unless she was deeply in love with you while offering that much intimacy to you. So all of this is about more than sex.

The issue of working only after a romantic relationship is achieved is a compromise regarding necessary extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair. Avoiding work is a reasonable extraordinary precaution because of the way that your wife had her affair. It was essentially sexual, and took place only at work. An extraordinary precautions eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. But there's a very good argument for relaxing that precaution after a romantic relationship is established because at the time of her affair, your lack of romance made her particularly vulnerable for another man to fill the void.

You had told me when you first started our program that you were willing to remain married to your wife even if your sexual relationship never improved. You couldn't imagine living without her. That was a great concession on your part but it was reasonable considering how much you care about her and your children. I would have done the same thing. But if that concession were to make sense, your wife would have to do her part by steering clear of any future affairs. One more affair would certainly end your marriage. So if staying at home to raise your children reduces that likelihood, it would seem to be the least she could do to preserve your marriage if a sexual relationship with you never materialized.

I hope you can both create a very passionate and romantic relationship that will last for the rest of your lives. And since you have moved into your new house, there has been some indication that it might happen over time. Aside from your conversation about your wife working again, there have been times of improvement. I was hoping that once you were moved, your relationship might take off, but it's looking more as if it might take several months to a year for that to take place. When that happens -- if it happens -- I don't think you will object to your wife returning to work. And she will not regard the waiting as punishment for her affair, but rather as incentive to create what she really wanted from the beginning of your marriage.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Her response to Dr Harley's advice is to say to me "So if I have sex with you three times a week, you'll let me get a job?" It's hostile.

What does she think about that?

Are you planning to discuss what the advice actually did recommend? (Maybe not; what is your coach's view of discussing things with your wife? Should that be left up to the coach?)

Do you think your wife is sympathetic to your needs in the marriage, even if she cannot fulfill them at present? Do you think she has goodwill towards you?

It is also very hard to have advice offered because she views the whole thing as one big lecture. That is why she did not respond to the questions in her thread.

Did she actually say this?

I was going to ask you to ask her to come back to her thread and post to us. I think we all have a genuine desire to see her happy, so that your marriage succeeds, and we would like to help her achieve happiness, not to punish her in any way. However, it sounds as if your asking her to post would not be successful.

I asked her directly why she abandoned her thread. I told her I was interested in the answers to her questions. She said "What were the questions?" So I read them to her and she said "Ah yes, it's just a lecture." And she did not answer the questions to me either.

Pretty much by definition, a lecture is not comprised of questions.

fc, what could your husband do for you to make you happy in your marriage? I don't get the feeling that you are happy in your marriage and I wonder what is missing for you. MB is all about identifying such issues and working on them.

I don't mean things like letting you work outside the home, which would in fact take you away from the marriage, and which is nothing to do with the way he behaves towards you. I mean in his daily interactions with you. What needs is he not meeting as well as you'd like, or what love busters is he committing?

Please answer this.

For the moment, let's forget about the arousal problem.

Do you care for your husband? Do you understand that this is a vital way of showing your care for him?
Do you believe that it is important that you meet the SF need for your husband?
Are you willing to meet it, but are uncomfortable or unable to do so? Or do you hope the problem just goes away? I'd like to know your honest reactions to these questions.

As for arousal, what are you doing to work on this problem?

Pretty much by definition, a lecture is not comprised of questions.

I don't see anything that SugarCane wrote that seems rude on a forum where people post for advice.
This isnt a social club where we discuss the weather over coffee, this is a place for realistic advice.

It also means I have to be very careful with my words when discussing issues with her. It's very easy for disagreement to turn into a lecture.