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So how would I word this without being disrespectful? "I feel like he expects me to live in a box"? First, tell me what he's doing or saying that makes you feel that way. I just don't think that he really understand just how much I hate staying at home with the kids and how depressed it makes me. He suggests going out but I don't really feel like doing anything You sound depressed, fc, which is probably part of why you don't feel like doing anything and see little hope. Will you look into getting antidepressants for a SHORT while (doesn't need to be long term, just for a few months). Okay, say that he doesn't really understand. That doesn't mean he wants you to live in a box. He is trying to help you get out of that box by suggesting you go out, but that may not be the kind of help you are looking for. It sounds to me like you would like some empathy? Maybe? Instead of saying "I feel like he expects me to live in a box," say "I don't feel understood." Keep in mind that he doesn't need to agree with you in order to understand you. I can do that
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Yes, that's exactly it. I have always resented having to do the program in the first place and don't expect it to work. Even if he fixed those things, would that make me love him? I don't know. I don't know how to even talk to him bc I resent him so much I don't think you have any idea what a wonderful resource you have in the programme. I think you've been looking at it in the wrong way. I think that you see it as a punishment for having an affair, and as something you have to go through the motions of doing, to repay your H for taking you back after the affair. However, I think that seeing it that way (and maybe we sometimes push it that way on the forum) is setting yourself up for resentment to the degree that you will never give it a fair shot. You should use the weekly lessons (and also emails to your coach and posts in the private forum to Dr H) as a way of bringing up issues that you want resolved. There are clearly things in the marriage that have made you unhappy for years, and things that ftf does (not necessarily cruel things - oral hygiene etc) that are big turn-offs for you. This programme is not created for BSs to get revenge on WSs, or to get compensation from them. It is created to give both spouses the romantic marriage that they signed up for when they married. I don't know how much you've read on ftf's thread, but you must be able to see places where we have been hard on him, even when he went there hoping for sympathy. We point out any LBs we can perceive from what he writes. He was bashed hard for re-opening his FB account and given good reasons why this hurt his marriage. He has been taken to task for DJs against you. If you came here regularly we would do all we could to help your marriage. ftf is not your enemy, and neither are we. I wouldn't suggest that you use the online programme or this forum as a way to have a go at ftf and conduct your fights in public with us as referees, but you should use the resources vigorously to be heard and understood, in order vastly to improve your marriage.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Yes, that's exactly it. I have always resented having to do the program in the first place and don't expect it to work. Even if he fixed those things, would that make me love him? I don't know. I don't know how to even talk to him bc I resent him so much I don't think you have any idea what a wonderful resource you have in the programme. I think you've been looking at it in the wrong way. I think that you see it as a punishment for having an affair, and as something you have to go through the motions of doing, to repay your H for taking you back after the affair. However, I think that seeing it that way (and maybe we sometimes push it that way on the forum) is setting yourself up for resentment to the degree that you will never give it a fair shot. You should use the weekly lessons (and also emails to your coach and posts in the private forum to Dr H) as a way of bringing up issues that you want resolved. There are clearly things in the marriage that have made you unhappy for years, and things that ftf does (not necessarily cruel things - oral hygiene etc) that are big turn-offs for you. This programme is not created for BSs to get revenge on WSs, or to get compensation from them. It is created to give both spouses the romantic marriage that they signed up for when they married. I don't know how much you've read on ftf's thread, but you must be able to see places where we have been hard on him, even when he went there hoping for sympathy. We point out any LBs we can perceive from what he writes. He was bashed hard for re-opening his FB account and given good reasons why this hurt his marriage. He has been taken to task for DJs against you. If you came here regularly we would do all we could to help your marriage. ftf is not your enemy, and neither are we. I wouldn't suggest that you use the online programme or this forum as a way to have a go at ftf and conduct your fights in public with us as referees, but you should use the resources vigorously to be heard and understood, in order vastly to improve your marriage. understood
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But you need to follow through.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I agree that you sound depressed. Will you talk to your doctor about ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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But you need to follow through. I thought I had eliminated all my LBs. Maybe not. Maybe I should ask FTF
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But you need to follow through. I thought I had eliminated all my LBs. Maybe not. Maybe I should ask FTF No, I meant that you need to follow through with doing the programme, completing the worksheets and posting to your coach and here. It's no good your saying that you understand my point but not following through with the advice. I think that mild depression is making everything seem hopeless and affecting your motivation about everything. I really think you should see your doctor. Will you promise to book an appointment?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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But you need to follow through. I thought I had eliminated all my LBs. Maybe not. Maybe I should ask FTF No, I meant that you need to follow through with doing the programme, completing the worksheets and posting to your coach and here. It's no good your saying that you understand my point but not following through with the advice. I think that mild depression is making everything seem hopeless and affecting your motivation about everything. I really think you should see your doctor. Will you promise to book an appointment? I have an appointment on sept 3rd
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I'm very pleased to hear that, fc.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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FC,
Yard sales are a way to go shopping without spending much money.
I think at least part of the issue here is that you really want to live a socially vibrant life, but your conception of that life involves drinking with friends and going out without FTF. In short living a second single life in parallel with your everyday one.
God Bless
Gamma
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FC,
Yard sales are a way to go shopping without spending much money.
I think at least part of the issue here is that you really want to live a socially vibrant life, but your conception of that life involves drinking with friends and going out without FTF. In short living a second single life in parallel with your everyday one.
God Bless
Gamma I think you're partly right, Gamma. I enjoy doing things with friends but it's enjoyable with mutual friends as well. We have mutual friends that we hang out with but can't get in enough UA time to have time left over to spend with them. Going to yard sales together on sat mornings would be an enjoyable way to spend some UA time with FTF. Grandma could babysit for us which would be free! Thanks for the great idea!
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I don't know how to even talk to him bc I resent him so much That resentment must be about more than teeth and biceps. What is it about? You never gave me an answer to this yesterday. Could you describe your feelings to me, before and after the affair? Was there resentment prior to the affair that made an affair seem attractive? Can you isolate the reasons for the resentment? I don't want you to talk about the affair itself. I'm asking you about ftf.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I think you're partly right, Gamma. I enjoy doing things with friends but it's enjoyable with mutual friends as well. Why don't you enjoy doing those things you do with friends, alone with ftf? I'm not criticising or lecturing you. I'm asking you to try and isolate what makes your UA time with ftf not enjoyable. Yesterday you said "Is that where UA comes in? because we don't do anything fun". Why is it not fun?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I don't know how to even talk to him bc I resent him so much That resentment must be about more than teeth and biceps. What is it about? You never gave me an answer to this yesterday. Could you describe your feelings to me, before and after the affair? Was there resentment prior to the affair that made an affair seem attractive? Can you isolate the reasons for the resentment? I don't want you to talk about the affair itself. I'm asking you about ftf. Before the affair I resented him for not treating me like a princess like he did when we were dating.
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I think you're partly right, Gamma. I enjoy doing things with friends but it's enjoyable with mutual friends as well. Why don't you enjoy doing those things you do with friends, alone with ftf? I'm not criticising or lecturing you. I'm asking you to try and isolate what makes your UA time with ftf not enjoyable. Yesterday you said "Is that where UA comes in? because we don't do anything fun". Why is it not fun? I don't know. I enjoy going dancing with girlfriends but it's not as fun with him.
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Before the affair I resented him for not treating me like a princess like he did when we were dating. Please expand on that. Did he basically move in and sit watching TV? Stopped taking you out? What?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I don't know. I enjoy going dancing with girlfriends but it's not as fun with him. Why not? Is he not as good at dancing? Does he not enjoy dancing and you can tell? Is he not as sociable and talkative as your women friends are? What is it?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Before the affair I resented him for not treating me like a princess like he did when we were dating. Please expand on that. Did he basically move in and sit watching TV? Stopped taking you out? What? Yes, we worked a lot and stopped going hiking and traveling as much. We hung out with friends a lot though.
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I don't know. I enjoy going dancing with girlfriends but it's not as fun with him. Why not? Is he not as good at dancing? Does he not enjoy dancing and you can tell? Is he not as sociable and talkative as your women friends are? What is it? Yes, I would agree with all of those
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Yes, we worked a lot and stopped going hiking and traveling as much. We hung out with friends a lot though. What else was missing from the "princess" treatment? You mention hiking and travelling. Did you do those things most weekends? And what else? What about the way he treated you generally? Did he stop being romantic?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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