Have you listened to your show from last July? It was about the exact same issue, UA not enough and not enjoyable. I would listen again.

We did them in college. He wrote me a love letter once. I used to think I was wonderful and wanted to know all about me. Typical "beginning relationship" stuff

I am still holding a clingy 3 yr old so will have to listen to it later. I think I'm going to gouge my eyes out!

I think one of the problems (possibly the biggest) is that you haven't followed through on Dr H's advice about being persistent in finding enjoyable UA time. From what ftf said when he gave me a list yesterday, you have tried a wide range of things, but from what you say, you haven't enjoyed most or any of them.

This makes me think that it's partly the activity that isn't right, and partly what else you are doing on a date. Do you think that ftf really tries to talk to you about things that interest you? Does he really try to get to know you? Is he pleasant and fun on dates, focused on your happiness and does he obey the rules of good conversation?

Why do you think you have had such trouble enjoying your dates?

Yes, he does a good job of talking about things that I like to talk about during our dates. I just don't have a lot to say bc I don't do anything. I don't go anywhere except with him. I don't have any friends. I basically don't have a life.

Your dates are supposed to give you the sense of having a life.

You seem to need an escape from the boredom, loneliness and monotony of being at home alone with the kids all day. Your dates are supposed to provide that escape. UA time on this programme is designed to be the most enjoyable time of your week. The assumption is not that you live your life during the daytime and therefore have something to talk about during the evenings - although a busy, enjoyable day would be nice and would make things a lot easier. The goal is to make dates thoroughly enjoyable in and of themselves, so that you have a lot to talk about while you are together.

Dr Harley says that UA time is much more important for the wife than for the husband. It is much more important to focus on what she wants to do to have a good time with her husband in order for her to feel in love with him. Men generally don't need the same quality of UA time in order to feel in love with their wives.

I think you and ftf epitomise this problem.

That is the kind of stuff that needs to go on in a relationship permanently. One affectionate thing I do for Prisca is write her a short note every morning when I leave for work.

And trying to know all about each other is one of the "friends of good conversation" Dr. Harley lists. This is something to be doing constantly during your UA time together, regardless of what activity you pick. You are going to feel great when he asks you all about yourself and your thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. It's going to make massive love bank deposits.

And if you guys were previously doing some of that in writing, I would suggest he do that in writing now, as well.

Bingo! Dr. Harley says we ALL need an escape. And for married people, that escape has to be with each other.

Find a way to have a regular escape from life, and make your husband a part of it. That is the challenge. Find a way to reward yourself for all of the difficult things you go through each day, something that you will truly look forward to each day. And then bring your husband along with that.

I just got done relistening to this, and I remember it well from last year. The urgent crisis that needs to be solved is you are not in love with your husband and you are not having enjoyable times with him. That has got to be the priority number one problem to resolve. Dr. Harley even said to slant everything in your favor (as opposed to FtF's) in terms of making things enjoyable together. I remember hearing that statement last year and thinking that was just what I had to do with Prisca in order to get our relationship jump started again and bring about our marital recovery.

Another crucially important thing I heard is that Dr. Harley picked up on being with your family as a time you loved and that your husband needed to be in on that. He recommended that FtF schedule fifteen hours a week to spend with you and the kids as a family. Has FtF been doing that? In order to solve the urgent crisis in your marriage, that is a source of massive love bank deposits that should not be left out. That was very important in mine and Prisca's recovery as well.

You've got to do something fun. You've got to do something that will be your reward and your escape in life. You guys got through the recreational companionship lesson, but I don't think you've truly accomplished the goal yet: finding something you can do together that you will enjoy that will give your life the escape, the reward, the something to look forward to that you need.

Yes, that's exactly what we need. We just have to figure out what it is

If you get enough UA time you don't have time to see mutual friends, and probably no additional money to go out with them, either. So see them round at your house when you can. Have informal supper parties on non UA nights - no babysitter needed!

Start right now by planning a housewarming family party. It's summer and you should be able to do everything outside. Plan dishes that you can prepare in advance and stick on the BBQ or in the oven, and see if maybe a few friends will bring desserts.

This isn't a substitute for enjoyable UA time. That problem still needs rigorous efforts to improve, but I think you'd have fun with this.

Are you letting him know when you aren't having fun or when you are?

Get that problem on the front burner. Talk about it every day. Give FtF your innermost thoughts about it.

What EXACT behaviours would FtF be exhibiting if he were treating you like a Princess?
So far, you have said, romantic love notes.
What else?

FC,

You wrote, Going to yard sales together on sat mornings would be an enjoyable way to spend some UA time with FTF. Grandma could babysit for us which would be free! Thanks for the great idea!

Possibly too this will help FTF get used to your going to places where you meet and talk with strangers, there is a social aspect to yard sales.

FTF may be like a parent who almost lost a child and as a result becomes overprotective, you need to reassure him you can be trusted with yourself. Try to be aware of unconscious flirting you do.

God Bless
Gamma

I am actually planning a BBQ for his birthday next weekend

OK

I like it when he does things like brush my hair out of my face and takes me on picnics and babysits while I take a bath

Get that problem on the front burner. Talk about it every day. Give FtF your innermost thoughts about it. [/quote]

We talked about it last night and came up with several ideas:

going to home improvement workshops on sat am while grandma babysits- free

cooking classes

window shopping