Do NOT trickle expose!!! Get it all done in one day and don't tell your WW what you are doing!

If you spread out the exposure over a week as stated, then they will have time to forwarn your exposure tartgets and label you as a crazy, manipulative and controlling psycho trying to bust up an innocent friendship.

Contact everyone today, even if you have to take off of work and use a computer at a public library, so you don't get interrupted.

Good Luck.

LTL

Okay, here is my rough draft. When I talked to the HR rep, he said to include specific situations, and as much detail as possible. I am open to suggestions, as to what I should change.
I will be sending this tomorrow. In the letter, I mention that I informed my wife that I would be sending the letter, but I don't plan on informing her until after I send it. That way she can't try to convince me not to sent it.

To Whom It May Concern:

This email is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

During the months of October 2013, through April 2014 XXXX XXXXX, the area�s Department Head, pursued an extramarital affair with my wife XXXX XXXX. This primarily took place in the workplace but also happened on the weekends, and days my wife did not work. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also shows the complete lack of ethics this Manager has in regards to employee/boss relationships. My wife came to me in November of 2013 and claimed that XXXXXX would converse with her in his office, upon her arriving to work. In these conversations, she said he would tell her how beautiful she was, and ask her about personal things. My wife said he began to refer to me in a derogatory manner, and use phrases like �how�s that XXXX husband treating you lately�, and he would refer to me as a XXXX. He also made inappropriate comments like one day my wife was in his office, and she adjusted her shirt, and he said �you better be careful, or people are going to think we are messing around in here�. Another example is my wife was at her desk, and she had to bend over and pick up a paper, at which point XXXXXX said �you better stop doing that, before I say something dirty�. These are just a couple examples of the many things my wife was exposed to in the work place. My wife told me that she was trying to avoid him, but he would continually strike up conversation, and over time she said she began to like that he would always tell her how beautiful she looked that day. So in turn she began to enjoy having conversations with him, because he would talk about all sorts of topics(non-work related), and he was fun to talk to. This began to create some contention in the home between her and I, because every day when she would head to work, I would worry about what advances he would try and make on my wife that afternoon. My wife was then furloughed in the second week of December, and she did not return again until the last week of January. During this time there was very little communication, but they did text each other a few times during the break. Upon my wife�s return to work, she said things had calmed down some, and he didn�t talk to her as much. Somewhere around the end of February, my wife and XXXXX began texting. He told her that he was worried about using his company Cell phone for this purpose, so he gave her his personal Cell phone, and they began texting on a regular basis.

My wife says for the first month or so, the texts were mostly friendly playful banter, but sometime in April, XXXXX began to hint to her of his intentions by saying things like �We better not ever be alone together, because I wouldn�t be able to keep my hands off you�, at which point my wife would say, �I only want to be friends with you, don�t you think you would be able to control yourself�, he would answer, �I don�t want to control myself�. Another example, is that they were discussing going to lunch as friends, and he said he could not go to lunch because of what might happen. When my wife would ask what would happen, he would say I can�t tell you because it would be X-Rated. These are just a couple examples that XXXXX related to me. My wife said at this point she became scared, because she could see that all he wanted was to have sex with her. At this point, my wife wrote him a Letter explaining that she loves her family very much, and does not want to jeopardize her relationship with me. She said they could no longer be friends. She said not long after he received this letter, he began texting her again, explaining why he did what he did. During these conversations, he asked questions about me, wondering if I would be upset, and notify their work, if I found out about their inappropriate relationship. My wife told him that she was not sure how I would react. Finally on the night of April 29th, 2014 my wife said she cut off all communication with XXXXXX, and requested that there be no contact whatsoever.


Since this date, XXXXX has mostly kept his distance, but still continues to occasionally make remarks, like one day he whispered as he walked by �It doesn�t have to be weird�, and on another occasion, he stopped her in the hall, and asked if I had calmed down yet? The reason I am coming forward at this point, is because on a daily basis, I have to hear my wife�s complaints about how extremely awkward it can be at times. She even went as far as to say last week, on August 6th, it was as if he was deliberately trying to make it awkward, and going out of his way to do so. I have informed XXXXX, that I would be writing this email, and she is afraid to say anything, or speak up, because she feels like she could be discriminated against in the future. She is also afraid of any retaliation from XXXXXX. I, as a concerned husband am trying to do what is right, and fix this situation, before it turns into a potential Sexual Harassment lawsuit. My wife has worked there for 16+ years, and has not had any problems prior to having XXXXX XXXXXX as a Department head. In fact she has been proven to exceed what is expected of her, and is very efficient and an outstanding employee. She expressed to me, that she wishes she could go to work and not have to worry about what may happen.

In closing, when my wife started this job, we viewed it as a great opportunity for our family. She has always been treated fairly, and in a very professional way, that is until XXXXX became her manager. I saved our phone bill, with pages and pages of text messages between the two of them, if this could be of any assistance to this case, please let me know and I can email them in a PDF file. These print outs show dates and times of over 1,000 texts between them. It even shows him texting her while she is at home, and late into the night. My intention in writing this email, is to inform the appropriate parties of the situation.

If you have any questions, please call me at XXX-XXXX. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX

Please use the exposure letter template on Melody's "Exposure 101" thread.

This is the template Melody gave me. I modified it to my situation, and the added as much detail as I could. The HR rep said to try and be specific, and include a lot of detail.

Sir, when you send this letter, CC the HR dept, but send the originals to the President and a key VP

Remember to CC to others as Jedi suggests...

Well, I emailed the letter yesterday, and I called her sister, and her brother, and I told my Brother and SIL, and my Sister and BIL, So last night when I got home, I informed my wife of the content of the letter, and I mentioned the key people that I told. So right now, I am dealing with a very mad wife. She is so mad, and tells me that I have absolutely no respect for her privacy, and that I had no right to do what I did. She says she will never talk to my family again, and if her sister calls, she will not answer. She says she is going to be so embarrassed at work, and she can't believe that I would do this. I told her over and over last night, that what I did, I did for our marriage and family. Right now I feel like crap, and I even wonder if what I did was the right thing. I feel terrible. I love my wife with all my heart, and I don't like to watch her go through this pain either. This sucks. All that being said, I did see for myself that this needed to happen. Without doing this, I would have never been able to feel safe again.

"Right now I feel like crap, and I even wonder if what I did was the right thing. I feel terrible. I love my wife with all my heart, and I don't like to watch her go through this pain either. This sucks."

RR,

Stop wondering -- yes, you DID the right thing! You took the first, necessary steps to end her addiction, get her off that destructive path, and have a chance to build a good marriage.

Exposure is NOT a punitive act. On the contrary, it is an act of love and care.

She will go through pain, and it is inevitable. Please know that as much as you want to shield her from the pain becasue you love her, she will suffer consequences due to her affair.

Your role will be to lead in relying on the MB program to show her a path you can both be on to build a lasting marriage.

Stay strong!

Stay Strong! You did the right thing, it had to be done.
Yes, it is very hard to do what you did.
The fact that your wife is mad, embarrassed, in pain, are all tell tale signs of the addiction.
As you said, you had to do it for your wife's sake. She was incapable of protecting herself and doing the right thing. You did it for HER!

I hope you CC'd some other executives in the company. I would be willing to bet that the scumbag has done this with other women. Did you inform his wife and get the Facebook exposure done?


It is not punitive, but it is liberating and empowering for the betrayed. You gain just a little sense of control in an out of control situation.

Good work! But now you have to close the deal and get her out of there. She has to end all contact with the OM in order for this work. I would be a broken record and do not let up: "in order for our marriage to survive you will have to leave this job. This will lead to divorce if you don't."

Don't let up. Keep this issue on the front burner until it is resolved. It is your only hope.

And don't feel like crap. Men are wired to make women happy and your wife is unhappy FOR GOOD REASON!! That reason is because you interfered with her affair. You took the car keys away from the falling down drunk and she is furious. Use your logic to override your emotional reactions, can you do that?

If she didn't get angry I'd be more worried. Anger due to exposure shows that the wayward spouse cares about their image and reputation, and her knowing that you will hold her accountable in the marriage will likely prevent future straying.

You've brought the bad deed to light, now it is time to start making love bank deposits and showing your wife what a great husband you can be.

She is in the fog still, but give it some time and your love bank deposits will start taking effect. But first, she must have no contact with the OM. Hopefully your letter to HR will speed that process up.

Did you post OM on www.cheaterville.com?
If not, this is the time to do so.

RR --

Watching an angry WW after exposure is similar to watching a heroin addict go cold turkey.

If you didn't complete your exposure's quickly, your WW would go into damage-control mode to protect OM. Its far better to do all exposures immediately so their opportunity to challenge it is lost!

What is a good response when my wife says "You had no right to tell my sister"!!! Also, when she says things like "I am never going to your families house again". Also, she keeps saying things like "you didn't have to affect his job, because that is all he has". When she says that, I just tell her that it is because she still has feelings for him. Her response is "I never had feelings for him, I just don't like to get people in trouble". Then she keeps using the line "You didn't have to involve him, because all of this is my fault, because I am the one that started texting him".

Sorry, I am just frustrated. I feel like she hates me, and then I have to watch her feel sorry for the POSOM.

RR,

"I will do what is necessary to protect my marriage/family. I'm making some hot tea -- would you like a cup?"

Don't argue with her, don't engage her/converse about the OM with her. Be a broken record, then she'll stop asking you "why'd you do this to me?" blah, blah, blah.

BTW -- as hard as it is to accept now, those "feelings" for the POS are fake, and there WILL come a day when your WW realizes/accepts this as fact, and will look to the man with the great Plan A for care and protection.

As JK said earlier, I think...it's almost a 'good' sign that she's angry -- this shows your exposure worked and damaged her affair!

Keep moving forward, and work the aspects of the MB Program.

This is where you MUST lead the conversation and stop cowering in the corner. Tell her over and over again that she is going to have to leave that job or your marriage will not make it. Don't get defensive and don't apologize for yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Take the bull by the horns and lead your marriage out of the ditch.

"I am sorry the OM got himself into trouble by having an affair."

I went through it too.
I just politely said I feel that OM is a danger to marriages and families and people have a right to know so they can protect themselves from him

OM is a big boy. Him "getting into trouble" is part of the consequences from him having an affair.

Well, in the old days OM may have been shot.
If OM is a cry baby about exposure then that's his problem