While it is a lot of bother for you, it is a good outcome none the less. It is worth it just to be there with him at this wedding. Both of you will get better with implementing the POJA as you gain experience. You can get over your resentment by learning from this experience and working to do better in the future.

*sigh* another update: so he spoke to his friend to check if they could accommodate an extra person at the wedding, and his friend said no problem - then the friend spoke to his sister (my bf's ex fiancee) and she said if my bf is bringing a date then she's not going to the wedding. Why?? Just makes me think i was right to be suspicious!

So now I think we are back to square one. Pity because I found a beautiful dress earlier and just had my nails done

So, are you still invited and going?

The sister can make her own immature decisions. You can still have a great time, IF you are sincere that you are enthusiastic about attending.

LTL

No, I'm now not invited. Don't know yet if bf will still go or not..

Yeah I agree it's her own immaturity - but at the end of the day, the wedding is about the friend - not me, not the bf and not the bf's ex. So I think what's best for the bride and groom is to not have fights between guests so I'll step down and tell bf he should be there for his friend and still go even though the ex will be there.

I agree you should be suspicious. If anything his ex-fiance is still interested in him and you not living there. Please be aware.

Okay so I now told bf he should just go without me like he wanted - and he turns around and says no everything is now sorted, he is going to miss the wedding to be with me - so I thought oh wow great, until I asked him why - and he said that "he is done playing her games and being manipulated by her"- so really he is not coming because I asked him to and I was unhappy about the whole situation, he is coming just to spite his ex. Two days ago he was ready to break up with me rather than miss his friend's wedding and now all his ex has to do is say something he doesn't like and no problem about missing it. Am i being too sensitive? I know I can over analyse things at times - comes from being a physicist

It would be a deal-breaker for me if my boyfriend went anywhere where I was not invited. If he is willing to go I think he's not husband material. Also, you should NOT give your blessing if you feel even slightly uncomfortable. If you do, and he goes, you will both be engaging in marriage-wrecking behaviors. It would set a terrible precedent...

Thanks for your comment coffeegirl - I agree wholeheartedly that he shouldn't want to go anywhere that I'm not welcome - and I said as much to him as well! I guess though that the whole long distance thing makes things slightly murky because he goes most places without me and being a guy probably just didn't think that going to a wedding is slightly different from going to the local pub with his mates.

It is working out the way you should want it to. He is not going. It is entirely possible that he didn't believe she was a threat to your relationship UNTIL she pulled this stunt. He may say that his irritation with her is the reason for not going, but I suspect he is more concerned about the threat she poses now than he was before.

The fact that he is now avoiding her is a good thing.

Thanks all for your input. In the end, bf came to me this weekend instead of the wedding, and we had a fantastic time - relationship back on track, and he even went to two job interviews yesterday so hopefully one of them will pan out and soon he can move here to be closer to me I've talked to him about MBs and we are going to fill out the ENs and love busters questionnaires.

In just a month my relationship has gone from being fantastic to being on the verge of breakup. After my bf came to see me, the next weekend I went for a hiking trip with him and his friends. Things did not go well. I can't justify it, but I am an introvert and feel very uncomfortable around strangers, and after a long tiring day I had an AO with him. In turn he ignored me the rest of the night and we ended up having a huge fight that has been going on now for three weeks. And the fight now has nothing to do with what originally started it After our fight I asked him for love and affection because being ignored makes me feel unwanted. He says he wants to show me love but he can't when I ask for it because it makes him feel like he is being forced. But the longer he goes without showing me affection the more unloved and unwanted I feel. I have asked repeatedly over the last three weeks for him to please show me affection, and he just says give him time. We have both apologized for our contribution to the original fight. I know I was wrong for my AO, but I also feel that in a relationship the number one priority should be caring for your lover and being there for them when they need you. Not making it an ego thing in that "I won't show you love when you want it, only when I decide to give it to you". I have been to the hospital three times in the last three weeks (nothing major but would still have wanted some support), and none of the times has he even contacted me to say good luck and he's thinking of me. I want us to have a loving relationship but I don't know how to make it happen.

Have you listen to the clips in here?

Anger Management 101

Hi Brainhurts, no I haven't. Thank you for the link. I know I have an anger problem and I need to learn how to control it.

I also used to have an anger problem. Dr. Harley's clips really helped me. Also, have you read the book Love Busters? Did you ever read Buyers, Renters and freeloaders?

Yes read BRF and read up on Love Busters from the links on this site.
After the initial AO though I've tried to keep my temper under control, and have been as stable/ calm as I can be - just telling him how I feel unwanted and that I need affection and love. He said he didn't know how to show affection from long distance, so I even sent him an internet link giving advice on how to show affection (small things like sending a bunch of flowers or writing a love letter). He then replied and said he's being forced to show affection so can't. I've told him that the longer this goes on the less love I feel for him and I don't want to be in a relationship where one partner refuses point blank to meet the needs of the other partner.
How do we POJA this? His need is for space, but my need is for emotional connection and affection?

I've asked him to fill out the love busters and the EN questionnaires which he said he'll do but hasn't had time for yet.

Also these past three weeks I've been trying to use only "I" statements (as advised by a lot of relationship counselors) i.e "I feel unloved", "I feel unwanted", "I'm lonely" etc etc., to which he responds "You are so selfish you only think about ME ME ME".. I don't know how to communicate that this is killing me and our relationship

msmcbeth, the ball is in his court now. Dr. Harley strongly recommends against a woman being the pursuer in a romantic relationship. Back off and let him pursue YOU. If he's not interested in pursuing you, you're better off without him anyway.

Meanwhile, work on overcoming anger and start dating others. Keep the dating fun and light-hearted. Dr. H. discussed a bit about dating relationships on yesterday's show; it is well worth listening to.

Thanks LWFH. Any recommendations to tell him now that it's his choice? Should I send him a mail and say if he wants to be with me then he should show me that, or should I just stop mailing him and only reply to his mails?

I would just stop initiating contact and start dating other people. If he wants to pursue you, then let him, but I would certainly not pursue him. If he sends a letter or email, respond in a light breezy friendly manner.