It's obvious the affair isn't over. That's why you could be ultimate and perfect husband and it still won't make a difference when she's having an affair. What's your plan?

Mass Facebook post with description using the template from here.

Exposure to her closest family member this time with nearly every fricking detail I can think of that has happened regarding her behavior from this.

I am also tempted to try what wheelspinning did and file for divorce as a show of intention since she didn't adhere or at least try to follow the MB program. I tried and tried but she didn't follow any of the needed items for recovery and whenever I pressed it came off as demanding. The divorce filing will also show that there are consequences for her actions and that I am serious about her bad behavior.

I just have to detach from her slightly for the next few days as she will hoover me right in, especially since she just spent over half her yearly earnings fixing our van she'll try to attach to me for her financial EN.

But this is a gamble if you look at it logically, I might be wrong, but I certainly don't feel so and if it is indeed a misunderstanding than this might just backfire and she'll have her excuse of my jealously as a way to "escape".

I am open to any other idea's, and by open I mean I-need-a-spark-type-push-to-fight-the-fight-of-my-life idea....

Thank you all BTW.

You really need to post OM on the internet exposure websites because your recent post said you only exposed to 3 of his family members.
I would post him for the whole world to see.

This will be done soon, I am also starting to get concerned over her possibly bringing up false DV charges, although it is just a gut feeling with nothing to back it up.

The level of disconnection is now very high as she will barely speak with me and does so in a manner of such that it comes across a resentful that she even has to engage me in conversation.

This wayward fog is some powerful stuff.

Make sure you keep a recorder hidden on you at all times.
Sleep with the recorder in bed, and back up the voice recordings to a cloud server

JD, May I ask, what is your story and how did you handle it? Although I am 35 yr's old this is a very scary experience.

Sir,
I am 36 so I can relate.
I'm off to work and will post my story later today.

Outstanding, I look forward to reading it.

I'd like to hear your story aswell.
Thank you for your time here Jedi!

Joker,
Your wife is addicted to her affair partner and addicted to the internet. In order to fix your marriage, these two addictions must be dealt with.

You did the right thing in exposing her affair a couple of months ago, but the exposure did not bring about a change in her behavior. And her behavior is unacceptable. The children and you are both being abused, and the house in a shambles.

I have been through this situation with my wife. I will tell you my story.

I had an online affair and was caught. It lasted 3 months. I ended the relationship, though it was hard as I was addicted. My wife then had an online affair also. At one point she took a two week trip out of town and was not in contact with me or our daughters. I was a mess. During that time, the house went downhill and she spent all of her waking hours on the computer. I suspected something was up, but she lied about it. I asked over and over if she was having an affair, and would say no. She finally confessed when I pressed her hard.

When she admitted to the affair, I gave her an ultimatum: leave the affair or leave the house. She chose the latter. This was the most difficult and horrific experience of my life. She moved in with her mother and carried out her affair online with a man who lived overseas. She converted to Islam and took on a whole new life. I exposed right away and her family did not support her choices. This embittered her and drove the wedge in our relationship even farther apart.

But I stayed in Plan A. I restrained from disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. Though I was very, very angry with my wife, and hated her with a passion for what she had done, I did not show it. I let her know that the door was open for reconciliation, and at certain moments in time I would send her texts that showed her I cared. I would also write her letters occasionally and help her out (not financially) when no one else would.

I'm Catholic and I don't believe in divorce, but I did want to protect my children from the other man who was a Muslim living in a Muslim country. So I filed for a legal separation, and secured my rights for my children and property. My wife countered with a divorce. Eventually, we divorced. She was planning on marrying her affair partner. He is a multimillionaire living in Malaysia. But she learned that he was hyper controlling, and also married with 7 other children. He wanted to marry her as a second wife.

After exposure, being forced to leave the home, and learning what a creep this guy was, her fantasy bubble popped. She hit rock bottom. By that point, we were already divorced. I had reached the point where I was moving forward with my life. I had a girlfriend.

My ex wife contacted me, and we went out to talk about things. This was the first real conversation we had has since she left the house 14 months earlier. We continued conversations, and so I ended my relationship with the girlfriend. After a few talks, she expressed a desire to come back. She missed her family and her old life. This whole thing caught me off guard. I thought we were done once the divorce went through. I was distrustful, reluctant, and still very angry and hurt. But I gave her the pathway to reconciliation: the Marriage Builders program. I would only get back into the relationship if she were willing to read Dr. Harley's books and follow his program. She agreed. We put Extraordinary Precautions in place, and we spent 20 hours of undivided attention time together each week. We took a week-long cruise to reconnect also.

Two years later, we are deeply in love and have a relationship that is as strong as it has every been. The issues that led to a dark point in our lives are past us. We both did things to hurt each other that are now incomprehensible to us. We let our Love Banks empty and we did not put up barriers around the opposite sex. Disaster was inevitable. So many people who knew us were in shock. But God is good, and we have recovered.

Joker, you are at that point where I believe your wife has to have limits set. Your family can no longer endure her behavior. I would ask her to leave the home if she is unwilling to put in place Extraordinary Precautions. She must end any conversations or encounters with the opposite sex, she must get offline permanently as a recreation, she must give you all of her passwords on her phone, ipad, etc., and she must end contact for life with this other man. Then she must get on board with the program and begin spending UA time (20 hours a week) with you. If she is not willing to do this, then take legal action. File for a legal separation and let the attorneys do the dirty work. You, in the meantime, let her know that you love her and open for reconciliation should she decide to accept your terms.

Godspeed!

No, this came up recently and Dr. Harley said that the husband should not ask the cheating wife to leave the home.

Well, maybe you can tolerate those things in your home, Jedi. I couldn't. Things worked out for me. And, I did follow the plan.

Allowing her to stay in the home while she abuses the children, neglects her duties, and screws around with her boy toy online is a deal breaker.

There is no justification for her atrocious behavior to be enabled by Joker.

Dr. Harley answers this at the end of this thread.
When Should a WW be asked to Leave?

Got it, Brain. But in this case, the wayward wife is involving the children in the affair in a way that is very harmful; she has let go of all of her duties; and she is continuing the affair.

The TRUTH is kicking her out of the house under all of these circumstances is NOT an act of uncaring. But he is holding her accountable for her behavior. My wife is one of those who did respect my decision to hold her accountable. Besides, I could not tolerate her having the affair under my nose. It was affecting my sleep and therefore my job.

Joker's wife has been at this for a long time. At some point she has to be held accountable.

One other thing. Dr. Harley says it is risky. But he also says that a spouse has the prerogative to divorce his or her spouse because of infidelity. It is up to the spouse to decide how much they can take and what limits they set. In the case of a cheating spouse living in the home and carrying out the affair, surely, this passes the limit line for some people, and they can't abide by that.

I do understand Dr. Harley's point though. To save the marriage, a betrayed husband should buy time, and do what he can to kill the affair through exposure, and let it die its natural death after that. And he should also carry out the carrot parts of Plan A too. But I think that everyone has their threshold.

In Joker's case, for the reasons I explained at the beginning of this post, I would ask her to leave if she wasn't willing to end contact for life and take on the EP's!

When will you be posting OM on cheaterville?

Brainhurts, JD and JT3OU all make valid points from both points of my current viewpoit. On one hand when she suggests a separation I get that uptight sensation of not wanting it to end and knowing full well that a separation will most likely lead to her engaging in a affair or from her perception a new relationship that would not be considered adulterous as we would be "separated". Although her claims of needing to work on herself for her depression and bipolar issues could be a valid claim at the end of the day she is still my wife and mother of my children.

Of course this gives way to tolerance and stress overall. I agree the internet and privacy walls need to be removed but I cannot make her do so and even the tiniest suggestion elicits a very angry response. This is not to say that I am afraid of her anger but by demanding this new standard she more than likely will rationalize it as me being a controlling a-hole while disregarding the reasons for this request. This has been the primary problem since D-day, no self awareness for these requests.

I also still have the task of caretaking all the households needs, bills, cleanliness etc as well as nearly all matters related to the children as well. toss in a 40+ hour job and one can understand why I am taxed to the limit and have been living like this for this year since January. I also learned that my eldest son was wondering if I could force him to come home as he finds no reason that she will change at all. As for the other three children, I have grown angry asking what they had for lunch only to reply with "nothing" and hearing that mom was in the bedroom all day either laying down watching TV or playing the game with her online friend's, to which I think she is starting to have another EA with (no proof yet)

Although I cannot dismiss Dr. Harley's suggestions or research even he says doing certain things are risky and if she won't stop this behavior whilst here I believe taking the risk may be worth it. Trust me ladies and gents, this issues in its entirety has consumed me and left talking endlessly with myself nearly all the time.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley?


Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.