I started to draft one out but it became an epic novel as I felt that certain details were needed to explain why I thought the way I did and the actions I feel I need to take due to the circumstances. I mean, not a damn family member to my knowledge has stepped up to say what she is doing is wrong, and even though I like that they will at least listen to me it pisses me off that despite all I tell them they still will not intervene.

Exposure so far has equaled failure!!!

She refused to end it vs letting it die and still refuses to go transparent. this is not even worth discussing anymore.

But alas I refer to the Doc as he said that if the WS does not adhere to the demands of the MB program that all I lost was an abusive wife, although I am sure it was phrased differently.

I don't want to get divorced, but do I need to get divorced is an open question.

I would still write him. Dr. Harley has a very calm and has a way of giving you excellent direction.

What can it hurt? It's free.

True, I am still waiting on JD's story since his destiny may very well be my own.

Dr Harley's recent advice to a man whose WW would not stop the affair was to leave and take the children with him. If these children are being neglected in the way described they should not be in their mother's care today.

If the BH has any interest in recovering the marriage should the affair ever end, Dr Harley's advice is NOT to ask or tell the WW to leave. The BH who is prepared to wait out the affair should show kindness and consideration right up to the moment he goes into Plan B. That means that, once he reaches the point where living with the affair is intolerable, he should leave, without showing anger or disrespect, and where the children are not safe alone with their mother, he should take them with him. He should seek legal advice to protect them from the affair.

We should help posters, and this BH, to implement Dr Harley's advice in all situations. In this situation his advice protects the BH and the kids, and provides the best circumstances in which the WW might consider reconciliation in the future, once the affair ends. If posters substitute their own advice for Dr Harley's they are doing the BH a disservice.

Your destiny?

As the Doaists say:

�Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.�

If you implement the plan laid out here, your destiny is in good hands. You are the force (along with the Holy Spirit, of course), and the decisions and strategies you employ will secure a healthy and happy outcome even if your wife never gets out of the fog.

Don't be afraid to follow the program, and don't delay next steps as this will only slow and retard progress.

Good grief.

You have been leaving your kids in the daily "care" of an abusive, suicidal, drunken, bipolar lunatic.

You cannot hope to solve her problems by taking the usual steps to end her affair (exposure, Plan A). The affair has not caused the problems of abuse, drinking and bipolar. Your wife is seriously ill and needs urgent medical help. Your kids need protection from her.

I would forget fighting the affair and doing Plan A. Either get her committed to a psychiatric institution and stay in the house with the kids, or leave with the kids and let her reach rock bottom on her own. Put the house up for sale.

You need to get the kids away from her. You might think you can ride out her insanity, but if you allow the children to stay in that situation for one more day you are abusing them yourself.

I would have left with the children long ago had I a place to stay, u have no family around where I am which sucks. I am also slowly convincing myself that if I push this hard for my children's safety and well being that I am not responsible for her safety hereafter. I can see myself being blamed for her future actions if they are self destructive.

Detaching from all levels of bonding from her, good or bad, is a struggle.

I'm sorry but that's not good enough. Your children's safety matters much more than hers. You are all they have to protect them, and you have woefully neglected them so far. Send them all to live with relatives if necessary, but get them out of there now. I don't care who blames you for her future actions if they are self destructive; your only responsibility is to protect your children. You asked for her family's help in protecting her from herself and from what I can gather, their response has been weak, so now it is up to you to protect your children from her.

You did her great harm by allowing her to go to "therapy" rather than letting her be detained by mental health services after her suicide attempts. She is not fit to look after herself, never mind children.

I'm actually very angry at what you have allowed your children to go through. Do something about their suffering now. I don't want to hear any more about what you can't do and how you don't have a place to stay. I am not your mother and I cannot sort these things out for you. You are a grown man. Find a solution to getting out of that home or getting her committed.

Why don't you have her committed to a hospital? 5 suicide attempts?? And the abuse those children have had to endure. You have the evidence. What are you waiting for?

**EDIT**

moderator's note: this is out of context on this thread.

Sir,

In my case my wife began an online affair with a former classmate on Facebook which started in July 2011.
During this time, she said she was unhappy and asked to move out to "figure things out"...I did not know about the affair at this point, in October. She moved out for a week but returned heavily depressed. I then discovered a love letter she wrote to OM in the trash. I also had a cell phone bill of $600 which was proof of the affair, phone and text messages to the OM.

Around this time I found the book Surviving an Affair and began Plan A in December. I also ran a criminal background check on OM and found that he was a convicted felon. He actually went to prison for 9 years...for trying to kill his own 3 year old daughter!

So, I contacted an attorney and filed for divorce. Because my wife was so heavily in the fog, she was more focused on her affair than our children. [Dr. Harley has commented that a betrayed spouse can often get favorable divorce terms during an affair because the cheating spouse is only concerned with the affair].

She was neglecting our kids. She was not feeding them during the day and devoted all of her time on the phone with OM.

because of this (the kids went to school hungry and the teachers had to feed them), the court gave me temporary custody.

Now, this was a radical change for me because I worked out of town regularly. I had to quit my work to stay and care for the kids. I went into foreclosure and bankruptcy. During this time I continued to Plan A. She would come and go from the house, for hours or weeks at a time.

6 months after filing (and remaining in Plan A), divorce was finalized. I now have no contact with her, and primary custody of my 3 kids.

I had to reach out for help...I took a parenting class (7 weeks long) from the county...I got the kids into the local YMCA and that helped a lot for afterschool care...I joined a local Church and we participate regularly...I learned housecleaning from Martha Stewarts book...and BROUGHT A ROUTINE AND ORDER TO MY KIDS WHICH BENEFITED THEM IMMENSELY.

Kids NEED a routine.

That sad thing sugar is that I agree with you and if I had a playbook for life I wouldn't even need the encouragement I get from this board as I have come to rely on it for guidance and opinions. I also had to come to realize that I too was a victim of constant emotional abuse and domestic violence. These are not easy things to admit while also fighting the urge to rationalize her behavior.

I now realize that I wasn't crazy and have been part of a relationship that was damaged long ago, the affair merely forced me to detach from her on that level unwillingly that allowed me to see things for what they are, broken!!!

What are you going to do? Are you going to have her checked in to a hospital?

I can't unless she makes an attempt or I capture the threat or act on audio/video. I made a face to face with our local police dept who stated that unless hard evidence is present she could very well talk her way out of it. I know she willingly.

Did you tell them about ALL the evidence you have and her 5 suicide attempts?

Is she still watching the children?

I'm not interested in your musings and reflections. What are you going to do for those children?

What needs to be done, what should've been done long ago. I'd like to say what it is for feedback reasons but I do not know if this cpu is bugged, I haven't found anything suspicious but you never know.

does anyone know where I can get a free spyware cpu scan?

Unfortunately. I had someone set up to assist me but they could not do so during the summer.

Try adaware. here

Thanks Mel.