Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Have not read either of the above but I will certainly start reading more on relationships. I did read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" a while back and I really liked it. I know the title sounds awful but it is not representative of the content.

Last edited by BHINWI; 08/22/14 01:56 PM.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Another good book while dating is: Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
I second that. In fact, if you order more than one book, BR&F is the first one I'd recommend reading.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
In addition to Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, I still suggest Lovebusters. I think you both could benefit from it. Your goal should be to be able to handle conflicts like this without fighting.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by BHINWI
Everyone,

First of all thank you!!! I would have approached this phone call much differently without your input. It made all the difference on the outcome.

Here is how it went:

She felt that we did not break up, but had our first fight. She wants to continue with the relationship.

After talking about "our" moods (mine included) we came to the conclusion that we focus too much on each other's and then feel responsible to "fix" the other person's mood (I was surprised that she felt that way about me also.) She reiterated that when she is in a mood, depending on the situation, she takes it hard, works through it and moves on. She said that is just the way she is. I guess I need to realize she senses my "moods" also.

She noticed I was quiet at times at her place (hence my "mood") and I told her why. I missed my son terribly. He is on vacation with his mom and I have never been away from him that long. She thought I was unhappy with her.

I told her when we had the LDR discussion, I thought she was trying to get me to the dirty work of breaking up. She said that was not the case at all. That is why the discussion soured so quickly because I said I would leave if that is what she wanted (and it is not what she wanted or me).

We also discussed our visits. It is sometimes tough when we "move" in the other persons place while trying to get to know them. The host feels like they have to please the guest all of the time. If we continue this relationship (which she wants and me also), we may make the visits shorter in duration.

Lastly I learned something today from the posts I read here. I initially was approaching this problem as someone that I absolutely do not want to be and that is controlling. She as well as me, has every right to be "moody". I have no right to tell her how to feel.

We decided we are going to keep talking on the phone and decide if there will be another visit down the road.

Am ordering more Harley books tonight.

Thanks again everyone.

That's great but what about her mental health?
Dr. Harley told you her issues may be a red flag.
How will you address that?

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Jedi,

At this point, I do nothing. I have to trust what she says in that she is very sensitive and emotional and see if I can adjust to it.

I just ordered Love Busters. I can control my behavior and not hers.

If it continues to be a problem for me, I will need to make a decision at that point. I won't ask her to marry me until we both are sure this is right.

Thanks for your concern. It really is tough to know what to do but at this point, I feel I am making the right choice.

Last edited by BHINWI; 08/22/14 05:03 PM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Have you introduced your GF to MB?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you introduced your GF to MB?

No I haven't. Maybe after I read Love Busters I will tell her about it.


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by BHINWI
After talking about "our" moods (mine included) we came to the conclusion that we focus too much on each other's and then feel responsible to "fix" the other person's mood (I was surprised that she felt that way about me also.) She reiterated that when she is in a mood, depending on the situation, she takes it hard, works through it and moves on. She said that is just the way she is. I guess I need to realize she senses my "moods" also.

I just want to suggest that dating is a job interview for marriage. You haven't bought the car yet. If you test drove the car and heard a loud knocking coming from the engine, would your response be to ignore it by saying "we focus too much on engine noises and then feel responsible to "fix" the problems." I think you would not be buying the car unless the knocking noise proved to be non-fatal. Ignoring it would not help you determine that.

BHINWI, it sounds like the problem has been swept under the rug and not been resolved. I am a moody person but I am not curled up on the couch in a fetal position in a state of catatonic shock. Saying that "I am just like that" does not solve the problem. I know I would be extremely alarmed if my date curled up on the couch and wouldn't speak to me.

I see this as a huge glaring red flag that is being ignored.

Do you know that Dr Harley recommends talking to a prospective candidate's former spouses/boyfriends to get their perspectives? I think that would be a great idea in your situation. You are likely to find out that there is much wrong with this woman.

I think you know you have a huge problem here and if you married this woman, it would be a nightmare. After all, you are in a LDR and you are seeing problems like this already! What is she like 24/7? I shudder to think.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by BHINWI
Jedi,

At this point, I do nothing. I have to trust what she says in that she is very sensitive and emotional and see if I can adjust to it.

I just ordered Love Busters. I can control my behavior and not hers.

If it continues to be a problem for me, I will need to make a decision at that point. I won't ask her to marry me until we both are sure this is right.

Thanks for your concern. It really is tough to know what to do but at this point, I feel I am making the right choice.


Sir,

You are ignoring Dr. Harley's advice.
he took time to personally post on your thread and recommend that she be seen by a psychologist.
If a national marriage expert tells you there is a red flag, you need to ask yourself if it is wise to ignore her behavior out of concern for being disrespectful.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
Did you ask her if she is willing to do anything about it?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Melody/Jedi - I know the time she was curled up on the couch and would not talk to me was a red flag. She told me after that based on a conversation we had, she thought I had feelings for my x-wife and it hit her very hard. (I definitely don't have feelings for my X.) That was the most severe episode. Other times, she gets very quiet and a barely will say a word to me and then she will be fine a few hours later.

Other than the "moods" (which I agree, may be a deal breaker in this relationship), everything else about her is wonderful. She is honest, a wonderful mom and not clingy at all. And most of the time she is very happy and seems content with her life.

I am rambling a little here in this post but also, maybe things aren't working out between us and we just don't know it. He moods (and as she pointed out MY moods) may be an indication that we are not compatible? I felt very homesick during my last visit because I am a homebody and I really missed my son. But I also know when she is in a mood, it really is uncomfortable which made me more homesick.

Prisca pointed out some things about myself in this thread that I need to address also. I can't control her, (nor should I try even if I mean to help her). I am currently reading Love Busters based on Prisca's advice. And I found some other books yesterday on relationships that I am going to download also. I haven't been in a serious relationship in nearly 8 years so I need to see if I am part of the problem here.

For example, I grew up with alcoholic parents. There was absolutely no stability in my childhood at times and it was chaotic at best. I am certainly not an alcoholic and live a very good life with two wonderful children, a beautiful home and a great career. But what affect did my childhood have on me? I know for a fact it made me very insecure early on in my life. And I think that insecurity is something my X picked up in me during our marriage. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time with a great therapist to help me gain confidence in life. (But I still think deep inside, I have confidence issues with relationships. Not sure...)

My point being, I need to really look at myself some here also and not just point the finger at her.

I do appreciate Dr. Harley's advice and value it. And I definitely won't buy the car if the engine is knocking....

Last edited by BHINWI; 08/24/14 08:53 AM.
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Originally Posted by Prisca
Did you ask her if she is willing to do anything about it?

Prisca - We talked about not feeding off of each other's "moods". She says she can pick up when I am in a mood also and then it affects her mood and vice-versa. I suggested we talk about our feelings when that happens.

I am reading Love Busters now and am really enjoying it. Dr. Harley mentions in it that when he talks to couples in trouble, he will get two totally different stories from each person. Right now, everyone is only getting "my" perspective.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
What about contacting her Ex?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What about contacting her Ex?

At this point, I do believe that would kill the relationship as things are somewhat still raw from my last visit. We are trying to sort some things out and I feel contacting her X would be too intrusive at this point. Down the road, if things smooth out, of course I would be up for that and I would have no problem with her talking to mine either.

We had a LONG talk today and some interesting things came up. She told me how much she admired my core values. She feels I am honest, faithful, kind and a hard worker. I feel exactly the same about her. But we have other differences that we were both trying to accommodate for each other. For example, she is normally vegen and I love a good steak. So I would eat vegen around her. She said she actually changed her eating habits around me and ate poultry. We both came to the conclusion that this is nonsense because I really don't care if she is vegen and she doesn't care if I eat steak.

We then started going down the list of things we were doing impress or please the other and it came down to neither one of use cared about any of it. We both want someone that is kind, faithful and honest. And of course we do have other things in common as we both love the outdoors and are very active. We also both love kids and talk about hers and mine all of the time.

So we decided we really need to open up and get to know each other and quit trying to be something we are not. I told her I will tell her all my imperfections but she needs to be ready because it is a pretty long list.

We have a ways to go to get this on the right track. But I do admire her honesty with me on this.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by BHINWI
Melody/Jedi - I know the time she was curled up on the couch and would not talk to me was a red flag. She told me after that based on a conversation we had, she thought I had feelings for my x-wife and it hit her very hard. (I definitely don't have feelings for my X.) That was the most severe episode. Other times, she gets very quiet and a barely will say a word to me and then she will be fine a few hours later.

Other than the "moods" (which I agree, may be a deal breaker in this relationship), everything else about her is wonderful. She is honest, a wonderful mom and not clingy at all. And most of the time she is very happy and seems content with her life.

I am rambling a little here in this post but also, maybe things aren't working out between us and we just don't know it. He moods (and as she pointed out MY moods) may be an indication that we are not compatible? I felt very homesick during my last visit because I am a homebody and I really missed my son. But I also know when she is in a mood, it really is uncomfortable which made me more homesick.

Prisca pointed out some things about myself in this thread that I need to address also. I can't control her, (nor should I try even if I mean to help her). I am currently reading Love Busters based on Prisca's advice. And I found some other books yesterday on relationships that I am going to download also. I haven't been in a serious relationship in nearly 8 years so I need to see if I am part of the problem here.

For example, I grew up with alcoholic parents. There was absolutely no stability in my childhood at times and it was chaotic at best. I am certainly not an alcoholic and live a very good life with two wonderful children, a beautiful home and a great career. But what affect did my childhood have on me? I know for a fact it made me very insecure early on in my life. And I think that insecurity is something my X picked up in me during our marriage. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time with a great therapist to help me gain confidence in life. (But I still think deep inside, I have confidence issues with relationships. Not sure...)

My point being, I need to really look at myself some here also and not just point the finger at her.

I do appreciate Dr. Harley's advice and value it. And I definitely won't buy the car if the engine is knocking....

Sir, you can save thousands in therapy fees by just attending AlAnon Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings. They are free

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by BHINWI
Originally Posted by Prisca
Did you ask her if she is willing to do anything about it?

Prisca - We talked about not feeding off of each other's "moods". She says she can pick up when I am in a mood also and then it affects her mood and vice-versa. I suggested we talk about our feelings when that happens.

I am reading Love Busters now and am really enjoying it. Dr. Harley mentions in it that when he talks to couples in trouble, he will get two totally different stories from each person. Right now, everyone is only getting "my" perspective.

Yes. Dr. Harley got your perspective and told you to make sure she is psychologically healthy prior to marriage.

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,562
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,562
Likes: 1
BHINWI, what should we call you? Nowadays we kind of pair off right away, and stay in relationships, even when we have reservations, until the reservations become so big we give up. This is the price that comes with pairing off so soon, overly invested when there may be many others who would not need to relocate to be with you and not have this mood-spiraling thing. As a fellow person who grew up with alcoholism, we are even more willing than most to settle for unsustainable relationships, even though long term we are setting ourselves up for likely heartbreak, with a smaller possibility it would work out long term. There is a reason you hesitate to be honest that you have some big reservations here. I am glad you are here, I think you are getting food for thought that will help set you up to be ready for a lifetime of happiness instead of continuing to settle.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
NewEveryDay,

As I re-read this discussion from my original post, with all the responses, it became very clear that this relationship had to end. We ended it this morning. I can tell I was flailing in the water trying to save a relationship that was sinking.

I have been divorced for 10 years now and even though I go on occasional dates, I don't fall in love very easily. Had a relationship about 2 years after my divorce and now this one. They were truly the only two women of all the dates I have gone out on that I fell in love with. So I know I don't settle for just anyone but I do hang on too long when things aren't working right.

I can choose to learn from this and grow from it, or let it beat me down. I want to learn from it.

This really sucks though. It is going to take a bit of time to feel good again.




Last edited by BHINWI; 08/25/14 10:14 AM.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
I think you have made a very wise move.

Dr. Harley recommends that singles date 30 people. Have you considered doing that?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
Hi BHINWI, just a note of sympathy/encouragement. I went through something similar, where I was trying to hold on to a relationship that required more and more effort to sustain. When I posted here, I received various pieces of advice that helped me think through the situation. I probably would've figured it out on my own, but the interaction between myself and other posters helped me resolve things faster. It sounds as if something similar happened to you. Even though you probably know you're making the right decision, it still takes time to heal from the emotional investment you made, and I sympathize with you.

On the flip side, there was a poster on my thread who I haven't seen here in a while (AGoodGuy) whose standard advice for people trying to work kinks out of a dating relationship is that it should take very little work. His reasoning was that if a dating relationship requires work, then that work is likely to get more difficult if the relationship progresses to marriage. I didn't appreciate that advice at the time because, like you, I was saddened by the loss of a relationship that in most aspects was very good.

Hopefully you'll find a new relationship in the future that seems so easy it'll feel too good to be true. As it develops, if it continues to feel too good to be true, chances are it WILL be true! smile

Chin up, and good luck!!

Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Kingpin), 11 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82, Dezzeiemm, love spells
71,725 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,726
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5