And yet, in my case, things worked out. Dr, Harley says it is risky, and I was willing to take that risk. My situation was posted here, by the way, and asking my wife to leave was never an issue. My wife respected my decision at the time, by the way. My children and I were not going to leave our house and add more harmful disruption to our lives while my wife carried on her affair. My wife understood that the home would be there for her if she chose to end her affair. I was unable to carry on while she carried on the affair in the home.

I had a successful Plan A, by showing my wife I cared about her but also by setting limits that I could live with and that were best for the children. Leaving the home would not have been best for them.

I'm very happy that things worked out for you.

This forum, however, has the duty to provide Dr Harley's advice to posters.

My wife too said she'd leave the children behind, but I just don't believe her. I am starting to get anxious at what the next few weeks will be like, scared even if I am to be honest.

Did you write Dr. Harley?

I am going to try to finish it up tonight if I can. I have an appointment at 2 PM today. Strikingly she was cordial and thoughtful this morning and even made an effort to avoid some triggers as well. Last night when I said her activity was keeping me awake she stopped immediately without irritation or annoyance and went to sleep.

This is the kinda thing that gets the old brain working into OT. I am on the verge, ready to go and now I get some ample understanding and compassion. It was refreshing to be honest. I also snooped at some documents she had been carrying around like fort knox and found here therapy progression information which appears that she I making progress. This is where the humanity side kicks in, if I push this like I need to I know I am going to do more harm than good, at least it feels that way.

This is also where I am getting stupid and rationalizing. I am getting real ansy right now. This feels wrong, but needed.

This is all nice, but your priority is protecting your children. I understand the temptation to be a conflict avoider, but you don't have that luxury when your children are at risk.

I know Mel, The appointment I have today is with the lawyer. I'd like to see what I can do. I could use a cup of coffee or liquid courage. Or both!

Please read this. Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

Are you clutching on to one evening of considerate behaviour, and a therapy document, to justify leaving your children in her care?

Are you planning to do anything to protect your children? If so, what?

No sugar, I am not clutching, I know well enough that one day vs years is not going to cut it. I have been rehearsing what I am going to go over with the lawyer at every free moment I have while at work. Going over my notes, journal, what I have for evidence and other details I know I'll need.

I am also not trying to convince myself or anyone for that matter that her behavior is justified or understandable. Any who, depending on what the lawyer says about my situation I will proceed accordingly. Just have to stay focused.

I've been reading another thread of yours. You've been blogging about this situation for months now, through her physical attacks on you, her attempts at self harm, her terrible abuse of your eldest son and her neglect of your other children. You've seen a lawyer at least once since April.

It seems as if you post on forums only to describe how terrible your life is and to get sympathy. You don't take any of the advice that is offered. When are you going to do something to protect your children?

Yes, I saw a lawyer,Yes I have been writing about it for months, yes I feel like utter [censored] having to leave my eldest son at HER fathers house. But to suggest that I have been writing this story and such for the need to get sympathy is a crock. You have no idea about how conflicting and helpless I have felt over this time. I asked anyone for help, anyone, and could get none. Doing what is necessary to get her to leave the house is desirable, but what's this, Who's going to watch the kids so I can make money to feed them, house them? The damn mortgage company does not have a "Sorry your life turned out to be a pile" late fee waiver. So I had that decision to face and no answer to it so I tried to get her help.

I turned to here because I have no where else to turn except for myself and I damn well wanted to know there was no other way!! That this had to be done. I have never been thru this before so yes I wanted to know what others felt cause I needed to know I wasn't crazy. To see someone get so passionate about a lie to the point of violence can make anyone question if what they feel was right. I did not have a playbook of life. Who does?

I getting started today, as in today, what time is it now, 1:12, 48 minutes to go. 48 minutes till I start a battle with their mother and my wife cause I know she ain't going quietly. But sympathy, I can understand you questioning the length of time in coming to this decision but the last thing I want to do is admit that my marriage failed due to my abusive wife who was willing to toss it all away as aggressively as she could and oh yeah I got replaced by a dude she met ON A GODDAMN VIDEO GAME!!!!!!

You keep using this phrase, but I don't know why it's relevant. Nobody has a playbook of life, but most people do not leave their kids in an actively abusive situation. Women escape the abuse from their violent husbands every day. They go and live in shelters if need be. People do not just leave their kids in the daily care of a violent, drunken, suicidal, online game-playing zombie mother just because nobody has " a playbook of life".

You already won the custody of your eldest son from his mother, so you know this can be done. You already sent him to live with your wife's father, so you know there is a solution in sending the kids to live with caring relatives. Why have you become so paralysed over your remaining kids that you leave them in squalor?

Stop shouting at me and "damn" - ing and "goddamn" -ing. That accomplishes nothing. It does not make you sound like a man. It does not make you sound as if you are working as hard as you can to end this situation. It just makes you sound childish. You've posted here for advice and I won't give you sympathy while you allow your kids to live with an abusive mother.

Ask your relatives to take the children in. If her father is a good enough man to look after one child that is not his grandson, can he look after any more? More about your parents? Sister? Brothers? Her family? I know she has family. Will they take in one or all three children? If not, call children and family services and explain your plight. Get them to find you somewhere to live while you put the house up for sale and file for full custody.

IIjokerII,

I agree with Sugarcane. Please do everything in your power to protect your kids. There has to be other means other than leaving them with her.

I am not disagreeing with her, she's absoluteley right, it's just the frustration boiling over. The lawyer meeting went meh I suppose. Found out what a retainer fee was and how much they can cost. His suggestions i'll keep on the lowdown for now for obvious reasons.

I'll contact her father and try to work with him on child care during the AM hours. School starts this wednesday so that might make it easier on him to assist. I'll also try to talk to her about her leaving for space in the time being as well. I'll take it from there.

Sir, the only playbook you need in life is a list of rules you will live by.
Then, you apply those rules to the circumstances you face.

You cannot be idle, waiting for external forces to change your circumstances.

Wait.
I would not ask her to leave the home unless you first email Dr. Harley.

Have you contacted her father?

I asked her Father and step mother, both of whom she does not talk to right now due to their ability to challenge her without fear of what she'll do or feel towards them, and they both said they'd come over in the morning to send the children off to school. I filled out the Divorce paperwork as well.

This past week alone has been a very stressful also. I caught her trying to reestablish contact with her EA AP best friend via online. Despite knowing I'd more than likely have a problem with this she did it anyway. When I asked her about it she said he sent her the request but was able to deduce that this was a lie. Given the involvement of who this individual is it seems like fishing to me.

She had also been staying late at work the last few nights, a highly irregular practice, and a haunting one at that as this was an excuse I heard from my ex back in the day. Not soon after she states that she is going out with her co workers, all women, after work this past Sunday. Although I am not controlling it would have been nice to have been consulted about my feelings or at least asked if I was cool with it. I don't know why but I had the irresistible urge to ask her if she was going on a date. She became very angry, self demeaning and left for work. I called to continue the conversation and she again said she'd make plans to move in with her mother.

She calls me just after work to tell me she is still going out for a bit and is gone for three hours not coming home until one in the morning. She came straight to bed, did not try to wake me up, I already was awake for obvious reasons. I talked to her for a bit and after a little bit of conversation she claimed that if I ever "Accused" her of or kept pushing it, which I only have asked one time due to her strange behavior, if she had one date, that she'd go ahead and do it and make sure to finish up just as I was getting home.

This has left me with the shakes, since the last time she said this "I pushed it" phrase, whatever topic I supposedly pushed, which was evidently true in the end, became a reality. I am at a loss and sick to my stomach, am I over reacting to this?

What do you mean you filled out the divorce paperwork?
I hope you visited an attorney and not a do-it-yourself divorce kit.