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No she hasn't I had forgotten about that Jedi. Thanks


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
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It's not a matter of you being tougher with her. She's walking into the lion's den for you, and it's a tough job. Not everyone can do it. She needs plenty of appreciation from you, and lotsa love.

As for her IM duties, one of two things will need to happen.

1) She gets more information about being an IM - the IM thread is a fantastic resource - so she can successfully filter the spam

or

2) She steps down as IM

Either of these options is ok. There is no shame whatsoever in finding out that IM'ing isn't your bit of specialness. It also may be that all she needs is more info, and perhaps someone to talk to about her job who isn't you, and who understands. No matter what, a friend like her is more valuable than rubies! Nurture and cherish that.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I agree with Neak. If it turns out she isn't up to the IM job it will only be because she loves you a little too much. She's been a great friend to you.

Its either a case of she needs a bit more training in being distant to him or someone a bit less passionate can fill in instead.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hi Neak and Indie

Yes you are right she is a good friend. She is doing a good job in being distant with him. It's the comments to me that she makes about him. I will have a chat with her about this and tell her that talking about him upsets me.

I am currently reading The Art Of War. I can't believe how much of this can relate to Plan B. Also I feel it relates greatly to exposing an affair.

I particularly like this point which I feel relates to snooping and exposing:

' Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move fall like a thunderbolt'.


Last edited by rocksolid; 08/30/14 07:42 AM.

Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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I'm glad you're reading the book. Have you read the thread we have on here?
The Art of War by Sun Tzu


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No I haven't read that BrainHurts. Thank you for the link :-)


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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Just caught up on this thread and was very disappointed to see so much of the focus is still on WH frown

By looking at that website and allowing your IM to tell you these things, etc, you have been breaking Plan B = no healing.

I had to repeatedly tell my first IM not to tell me things and basically STOP her when she started to tell me something. Eventually I had to change IMs.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid

I have been triggered. I saw my friend at the store the other day and she kindly told me my WH had a big real estate For Sale sign out the front of his place with photos on the sign.


All of your friends should be told that you don't want to know what your WH is up to or doing. And once they start to talk about him, stop them or get yourself out of the situation (leave the store).


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: rocksolid

I have been triggered. I saw my friend at the store the other day and she kindly told me my WH had a big real estate For Sale sign out the front of his place with photos on the sign.


All of your friends should be told that you don't want to know what your WH is up to or doing. And once they start to talk about him, stop them or get yourself out of the situation (leave the store).


Hi Susie

You're right I am still too focused on what WH is doing. I will tell people I don't want to talk about him.

I'm starting to focus on myself and my future. I'm planning on doing an evening course next year to try and get more skills so I can have a different career path.

I'm not happy in my current job and the pay is not great either. The career path I choose will be better money and will allow me to support myself and my son better.

I need to start thinking of myself and my son and act like I won't be getting WH back. This is a possibility that he won't come back so now I need to focus on me and how I am going to live my life.

The course will take a year to do. After I have completed it I will look for a new job. Once I get a new job I am going to move out of this place and find a new house in a new area. Too many memories here.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid

I need to start thinking of myself and my son and act like I won't be getting WH back. This is a possibility that he won't come back so now I need to focus on me and how I am going to live my life.


I think that would be very wise. After the WS has been gone for 2 years, this is what Dr Harley advises.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid



Hi Susie

You're right I am still too focused on what WH is doing. I will tell people I don't want to talk about him.

I'm starting to focus on myself and my future. I'm planning on doing an evening course next year to try and get more skills so I can have a different career path.

I'm not happy in my current job and the pay is not great either. The career path I choose will be better money and will allow me to support myself and my son better.

I need to start thinking of myself and my son and act like I won't be getting WH back. This is a possibility that he won't come back so now I need to focus on me and how I am going to live my life.

The course will take a year to do. After I have completed it I will look for a new job. Once I get a new job I am going to move out of this place and find a new house in a new area. Too many memories here.



A* Plan Bing!

Why can't you do the course this year? What is it?


Last edited by indiegirl; 09/02/14 01:59 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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The course is in Bookkeeping. I can't do it this year as this semesters intake already started half year and now it's full. The next course starts in February. I should be able to enrol in October.

I could do it online but the online one takes 2 years and I'd rather do it in 1 year so I can find a job faster. And I think it would be better to do it in a classroom setting and be around new people and get me out of the house.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: rocksolid
The course is in Bookkeeping. I can't do it this year as this semesters intake already started half year and now it's full. The next course starts in February. I should be able to enrol in October.

I could do it online but the online one takes 2 years and I'd rather do it in 1 year so I can find a job faster. And I think it would be better to do it in a classroom setting and be around new people and get me out of the house.



Good thinking, RS. Since you are in Plan B, just realign your thoughts and keep your wayward husband out them as much as possible. And though it may seem like he is the happy one, I wouldn't trade places with him for all the tea in China. You are actually in a better place than he is. Keep following the program and doing what is right. You will be ok.

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That sounds like a great plan and February will be here before you know it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: Justthe3ofus
Originally Posted By: rocksolid
The course is in Bookkeeping. I can't do it this year as this semesters intake already started half year and now it's full. The next course starts in February. I should be able to enrol in October.

I could do it online but the online one takes 2 years and I'd rather do it in 1 year so I can find a job faster. And I think it would be better to do it in a classroom setting and be around new people and get me out of the house.



Good thinking, RS. Since you are in Plan B, just realign your thoughts and keep your wayward husband out them as much as possible. And though it may seem like he is the happy one, I wouldn't trade places with him for all the tea in China. You are actually in a better place than he is. Keep following the program and doing what is right. You will be ok.


Thanks Justthe3ofus. I know you're right that he is probably miserable. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want to have a happy life. I'm looking forward to a new career eventually.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
That sounds like a great plan and February will be here before you know it.


Yes I hope so Indie. It's good to have something to look forward to for a change smile


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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Nothing much to report but I'm doing okay. I've changed my mind on the bookkeeping course and am going to do an accounting course as I feel my job options would be more varied.

Totally off topic is I feel quite sad about what's going on with my daughter. She is 18. She has always been headstrong and even though I know it's not a good idea to live with someone before marriage, she doesn't listen to a word and just does what she pleases. She's been living with her boyfriend who is 22 for about a year now.They have been together about 2 years in total.

She is a fully qualified hairdresser and has studied and worked hard to get where she is now since she was 15. He is a chef and works hard to.

He is the total opposite to her. He is very quiet and doesn't have much confidence. My daughter being a hairdresser is very outgoing and social. But they always seemed to complement each other.

They have always had a sort of relationship where she is the more dominant one I guess who likes to get her own way. And he basically does what she says and doesn't really stand up to her.

But he is so lovely and I really like him and he adores my daughter so much and would do anything for her. I think she is his first real serious girlfriend and just loves her so much. He's a very good character and he's just a nice sensitive boy.

So the other night he turns up at my house late at night worried about her that she hadn't come home and asked if I knew where she was. He then told me that she had broken up with him a week before and was now going out with her friends all the time. They are still living together at the moment but I think one of them is going to have to move out. They have a shared lease together and pay rent so I don't know how they will get out of it.

So I've since talked to my daughter to ask her what's going on and she's had this complete change of heart and doesn't want to go out with him anymore and told me that he's possesive and texts and rings all the time and doesn't trust her and always going on her facebook etc.

It's so strange it's like she's a completely different person. Only a few months ago they were so in love and excited about the future etc. I know she's only young and shouldn't be settling down but I just feel so sad. I feel so sad for him as he is obviously devastated. Maybe he needs someone a bit more mature perhaps?

I feel so sad for him as he loves her so much and he is ringing me asking if I've spoken to her and texting me. He's really desperate for another chance but I think she is done.

She came over tonight and I tried to talk to her and she completely flew off the handle and kept yelling at me saying I was taking sides and that I don't know anything and that it's her life and she's 18 and she wants to have fun. Then she stormed out the door.

I understand she's only 18 but I just feel so sorry for him. He genuinely is a nice boy and he's been so good for her. I fear she is hanging out with old girls that she used to work with and they are a bad influence. When she turned 18 back in April, she never wanted to go out and party and now all of a sudden she wants to do that.

I know I should let her be young and not want her to settle down, but on the other hand I just feel it's such a shame that she's throwing away a great thing.

Since they are still living together for the time being the advice I have given him to is to pull right back, don't text or phone her anymore, go out with his friends, give her space and let her see that he is not chasing her and to be confident and not clingy anymore. If she talks, be nice and don't start a fight. Pretty much Plan A I guess.

I'm really worried he may become depressed. He's so sensitive. I feel so bad for him. I've told him I'm here if he needs to talk.

I've tried to tell my daughter I'm here for her, but she always seems to get on the defensive with me and it ends up in an argument. I feel sad that when she was little we were so close but over the last few years we aren't close anymore. Do daughters ever come back to their mothers and be close when they're older? I feel like she thinks I'm annoying most of the time. She's normally quite nice (though she did put me through a terrible 3 years from 15 - 18). But lately she seems to have reverted back to her old ways of being rude all the time and argumentative.

I hate seeing people hurt and he is hurting. She seems to not care.

It makes me think back to when I had my A and how much I hurt my H. I will never put anyone through that ever again. It haunts me so much what I did.

Sorry it's so long. Sigh.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
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My divorce got adjourned as I thought it would. It's going to be final in a few weeks. It's been a hard time.

But I'm getting excited for Christmas and enjoying making some plans with my son.
We do lots of things like make gingerbread houses,decorate, bake cookies for Santa, watch Christmas movies and get out my little old record player and play old Christmas records.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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I asked my daughter if she's met someone else and she says NO. I don't know if she's been talking to any other guys. Should I just mind my own business?

I feel like putting a VAR in her car to find out what is happening. Or am I just being nosey? I know I can't really do anything cause technically she is an adult. Even though the way she carries on is far from it!


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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He sounds like he has a lot to learn to be honest. Anyone who accepts a living-together situation is either desperate to be accepted (settling for an uncommitted person) or is the uncommitted person themself.

Not only is he being a doormat to a girl who doesn't want him but he is going to her mother for advice? He probably is a nice boy but there isn't much of the man about him. I wouldn't mourn the loss of a live-in relationship for your daughter anyway. They are toxic.

Next time your daughter says she wants to have fun; agree with her need to find the right person but tell her she can't date around while using someone for rent. Just say you disapprove of living together for convenience and leave it at that. You are not interested in talking her around either. If she doesn't agree with you fine.

She will find out for herself. I wouldn't entertain any more of the boy trying to get you to intervene and salvage this for him. Its not an affair, it is not exposure. It is a girl who has never committed to him not being committed - which is her right.

He can't get you to do his wooing. That isn't how grown ups behave.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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