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You have been here for 2 years. When are you going to actually DO Marriage Builders? Well, *I* really only started a few months ago. The level of strength needed for me to overcome (successfully) old bad habits that I have had all my life has been very difficult for me to achieve. You already proved you could do it! Then you stopped. I'd say the first thing to do is to start again.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You have been here for 2 years. When are you going to actually DO Marriage Builders? Well, *I* really only started a few months ago. The level of strength needed for me to overcome (successfully) old bad habits that I have had all my life has been very difficult for me to achieve. That's a copout. I assume you are able to hold down a job, right? You don't treat your boss this way, right? Or your coworkers? You KNOW how to control yourself when you need to.
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You know what behavior is correct. That is partially true - I know some, but not all. It has been difficult to do well/properly. It takes a lot of practice to do MB well.
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You already proved you could do it! Then you stopped. I got discouraged... saw little progress for my efforts... lost sight of the goal... I'd say the first thing to do is to start again. I would agree
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You know what behavior is correct. That is partially true - I know some, but not all. It has been difficult to do well/properly. It takes a lot of practice to do MB well. The problem here is that instead of doing it you are arguing about how hard it is to do it. You are taking the position that you are entitled to another chance, because failure is understandable, because it takes practice to do this well. But your anger problem is serious enough that you are not entitled to another chance. This is not an entitlement/handout program. Feeling entitled leads people to doing controlling things: demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. Time to drop the arguing and drop the entitlement.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It has been difficult to do well/properly. It takes a lot of practice to do MB well. It's rather easy, actually. STOP ABUSING YOUR WIFE. While you make excuses about how hard it is, and talk about your "moment of weakness," you have lost your wife. You are not going to win her back continuing to complain how hard it is to control yourself.
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You have come face-to-face with a very important reality about marriage. Even though you and your wife are married, have children and own your home together, you live with your wife by invitation only. That's technically true about all marriages. You don't own her and she doesn't own you. There is a sense in which you are guests of each other throughout life, and you must respect each other if your mutual invitation to live together is to survive.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I got discouraged... saw little progress for my efforts... lost sight of the goal... So you were entitled to ABUSE her for it?
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How many hours of Marriage Builders Radio show have you listened to in the past two weeks?
Do you own a GSR meter?
(My point in asking these questions is to show you how much more effort you could make but are leaving undone, and to get you to hopefully ask yourself how seriously you have been taking this. I'm assuming that you haven't listened to all ten shows of the past two weeks, and that you don't have a GSR meter, or haven't been using it.)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I assume you are able to hold down a job, right? You don't treat your boss this way, right? Or your coworkers? You KNOW how to control yourself when you need to. Emotionally, the two situations feel very very very different to me. I do NOT desire intimacy from anyone at work, nor do I desire for any of them to see my vulnerabilities. These are things I wish to share only with my wife... In many ways, at work I am simply a "robot" - It is technical, and my mind works with technical subjects much more easily than it does with intimacy/vulnerability issues. I struggle to deal accurately with those - - they simply take more effort for my mind to comprehend.
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The problem here is that instead of doing it you are arguing about how hard it is to do it. I am accurately describing how I feel. It feels more difficult to do MB well that other areas of life I put effort into. Some things take little effort for me to success.... MB takes a great deal of effort to see very little success.
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I assume you are able to hold down a job, right? You don't treat your boss this way, right? Or your coworkers? You KNOW how to control yourself when you need to. Emotionally, the two situations feel very very very different to me. I do NOT desire intimacy from anyone at work, nor do I desire for any of them to see my vulnerabilities. These are things I wish to share only with my wife... In many ways, at work I am simply a "robot" - It is technical, and my mind works with technical subjects much more easily than it does with intimacy/vulnerability issues. I struggle to deal accurately with those - - they simply take more effort for my mind to comprehend. Are you, or are you not, capable of controlling yourself at work? The only difference, really, is that you ALLOW yourself to be abusive with your wife. If you did that at work, you wouldn't be employed for very long.
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The problem here is that instead of doing it you are arguing about how hard it is to do it. I am accurately describing how I feel. It feels more difficult to do MB well that other areas of life I put effort into. Some things take little effort for me to success.... MB takes a great deal of effort to see very little success. If it is truly so difficult for you to stop ABUSING your wife, then she is better off separated from you.
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The problem here is that instead of doing it you are arguing about how hard it is to do it. I am accurately describing how I feel. It feels more difficult to do MB well that other areas of life I put effort into. Some things take little effort for me to success.... MB takes a great deal of effort to see very little success. I understand how you feel, but it is orthogonal to what you have to do. The effort will definitely lessen as time goes on. Habits become much less awkward, much more natural, and require much less effort. And, if you are consistent, eventually your wife will feel safe with you and will be willing to meet your emotional needs, which will be much more motivating to you. But you can't demand that. You can't start from a position of believing you are entitled to that.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's rather easy, actually. STOP ABUSING YOUR WIFE. It easy to say that. Putting it to practice takes effort. Dr. Harley acknowledges that habits can take a lot of effort to overcome, and they don't always break overnight. I would like to say I have been successful in breaking all of my bad habits, but isn't true - - despite my efforts I have not yet achieved the level of success I truly desire to be at.
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I got discouraged... saw little progress for my efforts... lost sight of the goal... So you were entitled to ABUSE her for it? I never said that. I am simply admitting my lack of strength. I want to do well, I truly do. I am not proud of my failures at all.
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How many hours of Marriage Builders Radio show have you listened to in the past two weeks? None, up until the last few days. Yes, but I haven't learn to use it. For many months I never had any AO's, and I thought up until recently I had actually achieved success in overcoming my AO's.
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I got discouraged... saw little progress for my efforts... lost sight of the goal... So you were entitled to ABUSE her for it? I never said that. I am simply admitting my lack of strength. I want to do well, I truly do. I am not proud of my failures at all. Ah, but you act entitled. The things you say are entitled. You weren't seeing any response for all your effort, you had a moment of weakness, and you blew. That's entitlement.
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Are you, or are you not, capable of controlling yourself at work?
The only difference, really, is that you ALLOW yourself to be abusive with your wife. If you did that at work, you wouldn't be employed for very long. From an emotional standpoint, its apples and oranges. I do not desire emotional closeness to anyone at work - - therefore, they are incapable of hurting me like my wife can hurt me. I am very guarded and shielded at work, I am not that way with my wife.
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Are you, or are you not, capable of controlling yourself at work?
The only difference, really, is that you ALLOW yourself to be abusive with your wife. If you did that at work, you wouldn't be employed for very long. From an emotional standpoint, its apples and oranges. I do not desire emotional closeness to anyone at work - - therefore, they are incapable of hurting me like my wife can hurt me. I am very guarded and shielded at work, I am not that way with my wife. You are putting the control of your actions on others rather than yourself.
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