No, I really don't think that is correct. If I felt entitled - I would "feel" that way - But I don't.

What has actually been happening is the feeling that I don't have control over my emotions, and that is VERY Frustrating (and also very dangerous). I mean, in some ways I do and in some ways I don't (because different situations elicit different emotional responses)- but...

The key here is that I need to have positive control over the emotions that get me into trouble.

Until today I didn't have a full grasp of what exactly that meant, or what it was that I needed that would solve the problem.

That's fine.... I actually like to take a little time to think about what exactly it is I am feeling before I type - so even though it was a distraction, I don't think it did any harm to the conversation in this thread.

I got a hold of the office of the Anger Management counselor my pastor suggested to me, and left a message for them to call me back so I can set up an appointment. This is something Elaina has requested I do to help her feel safe, and I agree with her that this is a very needed step.

Marcos, I was going to PM you to say "thanks", but messaging is disabled.

I understand that time is precious in everyone's life, so I just wanted to say I appreciate the sacrifice you have made of your time to help get me steered in the right direction.

You didn't have to do that, but you did. I'm glad you stay on here to help others that face similar situations to what you have had to walk through. :thumbs up:

I just finished reading this.
Wow - this is spot on! I feel like Dr. Harley could have written that specifically to me. Thanks again!

Wrong.

You've felt self-entitled to be abusive to your wife. You have entitled yourself to be a jerk at home.

Do you know why you titled this thread the way you did?

You honestly felt that way, right?


Well, that's what happens when an uncaring husband begins to break bad, love-busting habits, and tries to learn new, marriage-building habits; he constantly feels like a failure. Because you don't have a history of demonstrating extraordinary care to your wife, when she now lets you know where you are failing, it's the only feedback you are getting.

But, you have to remember; years of abuse have driven her love bank balance below the threshold where she can even tolerate you.

It's going to take a lot of consistency and time to build a love bank balance big enough for her to even stomach you right now, let alone reach the Romantic Threshold.

And this ain't just some temporary fix where you make her happy for a month, and she'll put up with you being a jerk again, either. You have to end your love-busting habits FOREVER, or she will likely kick you to the curb and never look back. You've gone down this road before.


SO... you're feeling like a failure? What are you going to do about it? Sit in a mud puddle and pout about it, or dust yourself off and GET BETTER?

Are you going to take Dr. Harley's advice?

Ernie,

There's an extreme change in tone from your most recent posts on this thread, compared to the earlier posts. Do you notice it? The earlier posts are extremely negative, and these posts are extremely positive.

It appears you've just had a massive mood swing. This is very interesting. My guess is it's going to be very mystifying to a lot of people reading your thread. I think it's something you should notice and think about.

Here's what I believe is happening: your Giver and your Taker are rapidly shifting in and out of control of you. Remember Dr. Harley's concepts of the Giver and Taker; these are often misunderstood and misrepresented.

Dr. Harley's position is that every person, from the most selfless saint to the most depraved psychopath, has both a Giver and a Taker. The Giver is the instinctive part of you that wants to make other people happy - and it doesn't think about how you feel. The Taker is the instinctive part of you that wants to make yourself happy - and it doesn't think about how other people feel.

The Taker and the Giver are neither good are bad. They just exist. They are a source of ideas. But YOU are a rational being who can evaluate those ideas. You can look at those ideas and ask if they make you happy or not; you can look at those ideas and ask how they will make other people feel; and you can filter out the ideas that are going to make you or other people feel bad, and are not going to lead to happiness for you and other people.

People who have a strong Giver also usually have a strong Taker. They give and give and give, permitting themselves to lose or suffer in the process. Eventually, though, the Taker wakes up. And then it rules. It does the valuable job of making sure that you are not hurting and making sure you are happy, but pays no attention to how those actions make other people feel.

In your positive posts, your Giver is evident. You are handing out admiration and positive compliments, and overflowing with gratitude. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. But your strong Giver is a sign that you also have a strong Taker. And we can see that that is true - your Taker grabs hold and rules and you punish and disrespect your wife, and argue with other people (us!)

We can look at you as having three parts:
Your Giver
Your Taker
Ernie - YOU - your rationality

What we need to do is beef up Ernie. He's small and wimpy right now! He's so small that the Giver and the Taker are both able to take control. Unfortunately the Giver and the Taker are very stupid and make shortsighted decisions that lead to somebody becoming unhappy: either you, or other people. What we need to do is convince Ernie, your rationality, to stand up to both the Giver and the Taker, and assume control. Ernie needs to refuse to permit either the Giver or the Taker to be in control. Instead he needs to make them subordinate to himself and make them his assigned servants who provide ideas - and he evaluates the ideas and makes the final decision, making sure he selects only ideas that are going to consider both his feelings and the feelings of others.

Here's to a stronger Ernie, respected by his Giver and Taker.

Yes!
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2818374&#Post2818374

When I first read these words, I broke down and wept gushing tears of....
well, r e l e a s e.

Like how someone would weep after having just had the chains removed that they have been wearing. Like I have FINALLY received an answer to a question I have been asking every day (actually, unable to properly ask) for years... and years.

Today, I now walk with a renewed sense of hope - a feeling like this battle I fight might actually be ended with victory in my favor. I have been employing many of the aspects of Marriage Builders over the last few months with limited success - but it has always felt like the success came at a such a great cost to myself. Today, I now feel genuine hope.



And here's to you, Markos. If you and Prisca ever find yourself in the Heart of Texas, there's a very extravagant steak dinner waiting for you with your names on it!

Putting the "rubber to the road": my first anger management session begins tomorrow at 2:30. I also have to go looking for the GSR meter and find out how to use it.

Elaina has asked me to leave the house and sleep somewhere else tonight. She thought maybe I can stay at my in-law's house for a couple days while I look for a place to live. This hurts; I don't know how long this living situation will last but not only do I now feel motivated to do what I need to do, but I actually now feel a sense of HOW to make it happen and achieve success!

As much as I love steak, thank me by becoming a daily Marriage Builders Radio show listener instead. It will have immense benefits for your wife and children.

Good. I know Elaina has asked you to leave tonight. Will you be leaving?

Also, I think you're finally seeing what a blessing you have by Markos and Prisca trying to work with you.

The ball is in your court now.

I'm going to have to find some way to do that.....

I can't get the radio clips to play on the computer at work - powerful firewall or something. Perhaps I might be able to use the computer at the house during "visiting hours". I wonder if Elaina would be POJA about listening to it with me. Both of our birthdays are just around the corner, and she has asked for us to both have new phones with newer features, so we can do "face time" and such. Maybe if I get a more modern phone I can use it to listen to the program.

I spent the night at my in-law�s house. I know of a couple of other people I might be able to room with on a temp basis, bt none of them I would ever want to stay with for more than a day or two. We own 6 acres about 20 miles out in the country and I plan to build a small cabin over the next 4-5 days as my new residence.


Yes, absolutely. I consider the help to be a VERY big deal.

Last night Elaina and I had a very nice UA time. We put our baby girl to bed, then she held a flashlight for me while I put a new back tire on the ol' Softail. (Since she was in the mood to go riding, I was highly motivated to get that task finished!)

We went to Sonic for burgers and a slush and we just talked about that day, and then we went for a lovely ride and I talked about a lot of my feelings about where my actions have taken me, what I have felt since she told me I have to leave the house, and other Marriage Builders information.

We got back home in time for me to put the chickens up, I packed a bag, prayed with DS, kissed my sweet wife on the forehead and wished her sweet dreams, then I left.

It's probably your browser, not the firewall. Somewhere there is a troubleshooting thread about how to get the show working if you are having trouble.

I try to major on the free recommendations and minor on the paid recommendations, but if you will subscribe to the radio show archives, you can simply download them and copy them around on a USB stick.

You might try one of the two pages.

I notice that when I go here: Radio Link One


I get a different player than when I go here: MB Radio Two

Maybe one will work better than the other for you. Although the MB Radio app is the best way if you have access to it.

I'm not sure - the company uses Invincia secure (http://www.invincea.com/)and it USUALLY filters out anything to do with any message board at all (restricted category) but it lets Marriage Builders through for some strange reason! I'm not complaining...
Most of the settings in the work computer itself cannot be changed by the user - you have to have admin privileges and only the IT dept has that.



I'll check into that... I don;t have anything to play the memory stick on, though. I do have a really old Dell running Win '98 that I haven't used in five years that I might get dusted off to play them on out in my new solar-powered campout shack ...which Elaina has been helping me (a little bit) build. She has always wanted to run a nail gun, and today she got her chance, LOL!
I made sure to take pics.

I think that's got to be some sort of strange "marriage builders record" we just broke there - - The building I am making to be my residence due to her asking me to move out has turned into recreational activity together....

How's it going Ernie? Did you get moved out okay?

I put in a E.A.request to the I.T. dept. to ask if it would be OK for them to approve of the MB radio shows being listened to on my computer. It took a couple of days for them to review the req., but they did approve it - so: YAY! I can now access MB radio from my work computer.

However, I have only been working early mornings (5:00 AM until 8:00 or 9:00 - and very feverishly at that to get my stuff done) because I then go work on the "cabin" I will be living in (Elaina and I were thinking of names when on a date Tues night; I came up with "Fort Motivation" and she thought that was hilarious!).



Not entirely, no -
but I do have enough basic necessities with me in order to survive. My in-laws are super generous and have told me I can sleep there as long as I need to until my cabin is finished. I'm hoping to only have to stay 1-3 more days, TOPS... construction is slow with the heat and humidity killing me. I drank 3 gallons of water yesterday and changed clothes 4 times.

My second Anger Management counseling session is today at 3:30.
I had three "angry thoughts"(but no angry actions)this week that I have logged into my worksheets and will be sharing with my counselor.
I have found the GSR meter but haven't used it yet since I never sit down long enough to get the chance to... or when I do sit down its because I am competently out of breath (unless I am at work, but then I am working and can't use it then, either).