Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 21 of 21 1 2 19 20 21
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by MindMonkey
[
Absolutley correct. But MB sort of leaves out a solution if both spouses fail to embrace the plan.

Actually it does not. If a spouse refuses to engage in recovery, the offered solution is Plan B and/or divorce. I don't know of any program that claims to be able to force someone to participate in a program against their will. [maybe voodoo?]

Quote
15 hours of UA time? It's not reasonable that EVERYONE has the exact same minimum. We do just fine with less, but certainly feel the difference if it drops below 8 or so. But that is what works for US.

But this is an anecdote only based on your own personal experience. You can't speak for others and have no professional background. This minimum is not lightly discerned, but comes from years of trial and error by Dr Harley when he was in active practice. Dr. Harley gives couples tests to discern the level of romantic love in their marriages. You can disagree all you want, but you have no basis on which to make such a claim since you have only worked on ONE couple, not many.

As someone who is in a romantic marriage [established by the tests given by Marriage Builders] my H and I can tell the difference when we drop below 15 hours and so can others when they are in love.

Quote
DW works in the same field that led to her other affairs but it's working out great. She knew my concerns and has opened up to me about the working environment. It's like you would expect a hospital to be. Lots of flirting or worse. The difference now is she sees it for the destructive gross behavior that it is and it makes her sick to her stomach that she once participated in it.

Unfortunately, that "difference" will not prevent her from having another affair. She was tempted to have an affair before and will be again. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to express "remorse" but it does nothing to prevent another affair. Most alcoholics feel "sick" and "disgusted" when they get in trouble for their last drunk. But the sting soon wears off and they are back drinking again. And your wife won't tell you when that happens. She is the equivalent of the alcoholic who goes to the bar every day. It is just a matter of time.

Mindmonkey, folks on the forum are very encouraging, but they are not enablers. In your case, no one who really cares about the outcome of your marriage would "encourage" you to cut corners as you have. Your problem with the forum is that the folks here won't tell you what you WANT to hear, but told you what you NEED to hear. You like the other place because they told you what you WANT to hear. They will help you cut corners because they don't give a damn about your marriage.

And that is all fine and good. I have already saved my marriage and if you don't want to avail yourself of the great advice you received that is your prerogative.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Originally Posted by MindMonkey
Absolutley correct. But MB sort of leaves out a solution if both spouses fail to embrace the plan..

That's not totally true. But I'm more curious about which one of you failed to embrace the plan. Were there parts of it that either you or your W could not agree to implement? I know you mentioned the 15 hours, but was there something else?


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Sometimes you may hear alternative opinions that conflict with Dr. Harley's Ten Basic Concepts. These are often raised by those who have not solved their own marital problems, but still feel they are qualified to advise others. When this happens you can expect some members to explain why their approach won't work, and why Marriage Builders� offers a better solution. There are many who are offended when that happens, but please keep in mind that the ultimate purpose of this Forum is to discuss and learn Marriage Builders� concepts."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 209
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 209
**EDIT**

Last edited by Mizar; 09/05/14 11:29 AM. Reason: disrespectful and combative - there is no need for this

Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
122009:

I haven't charged for counseling couples since 1993, but I have continued to help couples one-on-one for about 20 hours a week since then. Almost all of my current counseling is with those who have attended the Marriage Builders Weekend. We have a staff of three coaches that I supervise, but occasionally I will personally coach one of the couples myself who are having a particularly difficult time with our program.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

And as far as I know, he didn't charge you either MM.

Last edited by FightTheFight; 09/05/14 11:28 AM.

Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 209
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 209
Good luck man. To you and FC. You deserve to be happy.


Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Originally Posted by MindMonkey
Good luck man. To you and FC. You deserve to be happy.

To you too. I hope it lasts.


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

Married: June 24, 2000

Recovered
Page 21 of 21 1 2 19 20 21

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 139 guests, and 29 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
raysunshine, BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH
71,770 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,564
Posts2,323,014
Members71,770
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5