Not soon after she states that she is going out with her co workers, all women, after work this past Sunday. Although I am not controlling it would have been nice to have been consulted about my feelings or at least asked if I was cool with it. I don't know why but I had the irresistible urge to ask her if she was going on a date. She became very angry, self demeaning and left for work. I called to continue the conversation and she again said she'd make plans to move in with her mother.

. I talked to her for a bit and after a little bit of conversation she claimed that if I ever "Accused" her of or kept pushing it, which I only have asked one time due to her strange behavior, if she had one date, that she'd go ahead and do it and make sure to finish up just as I was getting home.

Joker,
This thread began 5 months ago, and the common theme that runs through it is fear and hesitance. You let those two things cloud your judgement.

Instead of fearing your wife's reaction to every action, take the steps in the program. Listen to the people who are advising you here.

Your wife sees that you are paralyzed by fear. That's why she walks all over you and the kids. By the way, women loath and despise weak men. They look for strength and fortitude in their mate. This does not mean you should become a bully or a Neanderthal. But it does mean you need to act decisively and be strategic.

It is time to set limit and stick with them. If she refuses to give up her independent lifestyle, then it is time for her to leave the home. Her actions over the past 5 months have been deal breakers, and you must empower yourself to tolerate them no more.

At this point, I would recommend you either Plan A from a distance or go to Plan B. But you have to act decisively and separate yourself from her intolerable ways.

Are you willing to man up?

What do you mean you filled out the divorce paperwork?
I hope you visited an attorney and not a do-it-yourself divorce kit.

If she refuses to give up her independent lifestyle, then it is time for her to leave the home. Her actions over the past 5 months have been deal breakers, and you must empower yourself to tolerate them no more.

At this point, I would recommend you either Plan A from a distance or go to Plan B. But you have to act decisively and separate yourself from her intolerable ways.

Are you willing to man up?

Great discussion! Here is my opinion on the subject:

Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.

If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.

Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.

When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.

There are successful accounts of marriages recovering after a husband kicks his wife out, but my opinion is that it is a very risky move. The affair must go so badly that she returns home because she has no other choice. In most marriages, however, women do have choices. When the affair is over, is she drawn to the husband who cared enough about her to let her stay in her own home, or the husband who threw her out on the street? The idea that by letting her stay in the home he is not acting like a man, and she will disrespect him for it, may be true for some women. But the majority would see it as an act of kindness, something they need in their marriage to a man.

I'd be happy to discuss this issue further with anyone who writes me at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

An additional comment: When children are involved, a husband should consult with an attorney before he leaves to avoid the impression that he's abandoning the children. A legal visitation schedule should be arranged before he leaves. But if he feels that leaving the children would subject them to abuse or other forms of hardship, he should try to gain custody. If that's not possible, I would advise him to stick it out a while longer, all the while being in contact with a therapist who can help him with the depression he will be experiencing. Antidepressant medication would certainly be in order.

Dr. Harley

I thought about leaving for a bit once or twice, something Harley suggests that the man should do. Then I remembered Melody Lanes thread about Men not leaving their home. Which approach is right in this instance?

A combination of both, I had the consultation and noted his recommendations, yes I have almost completed the Paperwork, I do not have the 7500 dollars for the retainer fee and I know she has at the most maybe 2K, so neither of us are in a position for a financial war thru lawyers.

Also, after working for a Government installation for 12 years the JD forms were extremely easy to navigate. In the end, what choice do I have?

What did you do Sir?

I am familiar as I have read LOTS and lots of posts, my situation seems similar to an individual named Wheel spinning long ago. I've been in plan A since January, the affair died out in Late April or so, cannot confirm as transparency is not present and rebuffed when asked.

The Lawyer said that at any time I can take the children with me and relocate as needed so long as it is still within the state since no Custody order is in effect. This runs the serious risk though of shocking the children by dragging them from their home and more than likely changing schools. They have roots now, unsure how'd they react.

as J3U pointed out she does not put any effort into this what so ever and seeming since she is the common denominator in all this introduced domestic chaos it seems logical that I request her to leave but keep the option open for reconciliation. This will run the risk of the marriage tanking out but if she is sabotaging it anyway thru passive or direct means of stubbornness and self imposed irritation the risk is there as well, kinda makes it tough to decide.

I thought about leaving for a bit once or twice, something Harley suggests that the man should do. Then I remembered Melody Lanes thread about Men not leaving their home. Which approach is right in this instance?

his runs the serious risk though of shocking the children by dragging them from their home and more than likely changing schools. They have roots now, unsure how'd they react.

I am familiar as I have read LOTS and lots of posts, my situation seems similar to an individual named Wheel spinning long ago. I've been in plan A since January, the affair died out in Late April or so, cannot confirm as transparency is not present and rebuffed when asked.

The Lawyer said that at any time I can take the children with me and relocate as needed so long as it is still within the state since no Custody order is in effect. This runs the serious risk though of shocking the children by dragging them from their home and more than likely changing schools. They have roots now, unsure how'd they react.

as J3U pointed out she does not put any effort into this what so ever and seeming since she is the common denominator in all this introduced domestic chaos it seems logical that I request her to leave but keep the option open for reconciliation. This will run the risk of the marriage tanking out but if she is sabotaging it anyway thru passive or direct means of stubbornness and self imposed irritation the risk is there as well, kinda makes it tough to decide.

I thought about leaving for a bit once or twice, something Harley suggests that the man should do. Then I remembered Melody Lanes thread about Men not leaving their home. Which approach is right in this instance?