Roughrock,

Do it your way.

But you may want to set aside a savings account for your wife's affair.
If you continue to protect her, it is only a matter of time until she demands an open marriage or divorce.

Well, you completely ignored my post. I said that you need to find out whether he still works there or not. If he doesn't, there is no need for any more letters to his employers.

I don't see how you can move forward until you find that out. It can't be that hard. You certainly don't have to ask your wife to find out.

Sugar,

Thank you...I've asked several times, but seem to get no answer to a very simple question:

Does his wife's affair partner still work with her or not.

This is attainable information, and vital for having a plan for moving forward.

RR,

In my humble opinion...phone bills with a multitude of calls/texts between a married woman and a man who is NOT her husband, in addition to her OWN testimony, IS enough evidence, without the need to "lie".

Jedi,
I am doing it Dr. Harley's way. How do you suggest I force my wife to quit a job. Dr Harley suggests that you give the spouse a month to resign from the job, and then expose. I did warn my wife that I was going to expose to her job, and then I did. The problem goes back to the other thing he mentions in the same article, where you should find proof that would convince a jury. I gave her employer every ounce of evidence I had, problem is there is no evidence I have that is grounds to fire him or my wife. Believe me, I wish I had something that would seal the deal. Also, a term that Dr. Harley uses in a lot of his articles, is "I usually recommend". He recognizes that every situation is different, and cannot be handled exactly the same. I have told my wife that I insist she leave her job, or our marriage will not fully recover. She still has her agency to choose for herself. I cannot force her.

Also, it is real easy to say."You need to move". That is an easy statement to make from your end. I am not going to uproot my family from a great place that we have built our dream home, and we live around family. We built this home 11 years ago, and to do all of this because my wife texted another man? If, like I mentioned before, that there was one shred of evidence that pointed towards a PA, or that they have been continuing this affair, in any way, then I would take drastic measures. You are putting my situation under a giant umbrella of "Everyone's situation is the Same"

Suger,
I have absolutely no way of finding out if he is still there, but like I said, I imagine that he still is. Like I mentioned in earlier posts, he really has no reason to even be in her area on a regular basis. I think that is why he has disappeared. My guess is, that he was warned by upper management, that this is a sexual harassment nightmare waiting to happen, and to stay completely away from the area. obviously, I am trying to find out, but the only contact I have at her work, is a woman that was friends with my wife on Swing shift. She says they have not seen him for a while.

helpfordad,
In the 3 months of phone bills I had access to, there was a single phone call that lasted for 5 minutes, the rest of the communication that I have proof of, was the data showing multiple texts between them. My wifes "Testimony", is the information I gave them in the email. I guess I could give them a recording of a conversation between her and I, but all that would contain, is my wife saying "he was just a friend, and nothing more", and that she loves me, and didn't understand why it was dangerous to have him as a friend. My point is, I do not have enough information/evidence, to start throwing around the term "Adulterous Affair".

I am not protecting anybody... you are just asking me to make stuff up out of thin air. I have dug, and dug for months, to get the story that I do have. She is completely open with me with all her passwords. I have complete access to both of her emails, and her Ipad. I have her facebook password, and I got in and viewed her activity log, and she searched his name a few times, and was never friends with him on facebook. I installed a key logger on our PC, and her Ipad, because I know that you can message someone even if you are not friends, and she only gets on facebook maybe once a week, if that, and she has never tried to message him through facebook, that I can tell. Also, since Mid June, he blocked me and my wife from being able to even find him on there at all. I was able to create fake account, and find him, but he has blocked anyone that is not friends with him, from seeing anything. Not that that matters, because back when I could see his Profile and pictures, he did not have a single picture of himself, but only a bunch of random pictures, so I don't even have a clue what this D-bag looks like.

This is why I mentioned yesterday that I am going to remain in plan A, and continue watching like a hawk, and trying my best to deposit love units.

Wiser people than I are on this forum, but I would think you'd be able to investigate him on LinkedIn...or find out what car he drives and scan the lot? You have his name -- you can't call a directory at a government agency to verify employment?

I'm just saying supporting what Jedi, SC, the others have said -- YOU need to verify that the OM does NOT work there...and, I;ll tell you from my own experience, even if the OM is not there, you're W will need to leave, or eventually want to leave, that workplace anyway.

Seriously?

You can't search the government department website?

You can't call the switchboard and ask to be put through to him (then hang up before he answers, perhaps)?

You can't search for him on LinkedIn?

You can't work out how emails are formed for that department (e.g first.surname@gov.com)?

You can't observe the building?

You can't hire a PI?

For so many of us, even for those who work for government departments as I used to do, finding out whether we are still employed there can be done in an instant with the Internet. If not, there are numerous other ways.

Anyway, you seem happy with your course of action so I'll leave you to it.

So, I just heard from my contact from swing shift, as I had not heard from her since last week. She say's she saw him, but he still does not come through the area. So, as I thought earlier, he still has a job. Obviously, something was done by upper management, or he wouldn't have disappeared like he did. None of this matters, because I am still faced with the same situation, and that is that my wife refuses to leave her job, and now when I bring it up, she gets mad and say's, "We will not be able to pay our bills if I quit", and "I am not going to give up 16 years of pension, just because you are a controlling jealous person". She started crying the other day, and was saying "I messed up, and I am sorry, but I don't see why I need to leave my job over this". I told her that we would find a way to get by, and she just thinks I am talking crazy.

Don't you think it is counter productive to continue pushing this issue? I only see her resenting me if I continue to pursue this avenue. Isn't this "Love Busting". I told her the other day, that I would try my best not to bring up the "Affair" anymore, but that I will continue to insist that she leave her job. I said over and over, that as long as she works there, I will never feel safe.

Your course of action will eventually lead to TRIGGERS.
Since she is not leaving the job and not moving, you and her will eventually get hit with triggers.
The triggers could send you all the way back to DDay or her back prior to DDay.
Triggers guarantee resentment, anxiety, fear, anger just to name a few things you will experience.
I understand the difficulty, but your odds are getting longer and longer.
To have a slight chance to avoid triggers, one of them needs to leave that job. Since your wife is resisting, you have other avenues suggested on the forum to make life difficult for the OM to stay at the job.
All the posters are trying to help, and you probably feel beat up.
You are going through the most gut wrenching time of your life, and none of want you to fail.

It is not a Love Buster to tell her that you are bothered by her keeping her job and asking her to quit. That is called polite communication.

Her refusal to quit the job and join you on a path of recovery is a Love Buster.

Nothing will improve as long as they work together.
It is inevitable that they will see each other some time or another.

RR,

The POS involved with my W eventually moved to other work in anorther building on the hospital campus...you know, so he didn't need to "come through her area".

Sure. And I have a bridge to sell you...

Many months AFTER I exposed at the workplace and got OM FIRED from the job, and into recovery, my W shared how odd that the POS seemed to find MANY reasons to "come through the area".

Funny how people will park so far away from their job site....or volunteer for the most menial delivery errands...or go out of their way to cut through buildings...or use up their entire lunch period to ride an elevator in a building across campus...or bypass the lunch cafe 20 yeards away for the one 200 yards away...

Sure.

They CAN NOT work together.

I'd take that a few steps further. It's not just a love buster - it is a deal breaker.

And you are wise not to feel safe as long NC for LIFE has not been established. Of course you do not feel safe when your wife leaves for the scene of the crime everyday. That is not jealous or controlling but a normal and expected feeling for any BS.



This is the controlling statement here...and it is a common tactic of waywards to turn things around on the BS.




Your WW understands full well why she needs to leave that job. She doesn't WANT to leave it and is trying to convince you that she must stay. That is ok if she is not interested in recovering the marriage.

NebDane,
Triggers are already a major problem. Someone sent me a video the other day of Dr. Harley talking about Just Compensation, and my wife actually watched it with me. One of the things that he talked about in the video, is that every time she see's the person, it is not only a risk to re-igniting the affair, it is also an offense to the spouse. Not only that, but every time you see the person, the spouse is going to re-experience the feelings of the affair all over again. Now I know that this has been repeated over and over again on this thread, but this is the first time she actually heard it in that way, and I could tell it clicked in her brain, and a lot of stuff made sense to her. We have had a lot of conversations about how amazing our marriage seems on the 4 days she is off, and then the three days she works, I am triggered by thoughts of her accidentally seeing him, which leads to me feeling absolutely miserable and beat up by the time I get home. I try my best to hide it and put on a happy face, but she can still sense it. Then we have the same conversation about how I will never feel safe as long as she works with him. After she listened to Dr Harley talk about how I re-experience those feelings every time she goes to work, then me struggling every time she goes to work made sense to her.

I thought that after I exposed in the workplace, that I would do better, but I still struggle every time she works. I have a knot in my stomach, and a tight shaky feeling in my chest the whole time she works. I am constantly triggered, and I do feel the same pain over and over again. I would even say at times is seams worse. Then the whole 4 days she is off work, I feel like a million bucks, and we spend so much time together, and everything feels good again. It is the craziest roller coaster I have ever been on. It takes me from the highest highs, to the lowest lows. I know that I cannot go on this way forever.

Like pokerface just mentioned, I think she knows that she needs to leave. I have seen it in her eyes lately, that she knows that I will never be okay with it, and I will always struggle.

Sometimes on days that she works, I struggle with resentment. My hurt will sometimes turn into "How could she say that she loves me, and then lie right to my face". It has caused me to have temptations to have my own affair. I say temptations, because I do not want that at all, and I know that would make things 10x worse, but those kind of thoughts sometimes pop into my head, where as the past 18 year, I never ever thought about things like that. I just see myself as extremely vulnerable, in an area that I have always been so strong in. If another woman right now told me that she wanted to get to know me better, I don't know that I could resist. Just the thought of feeling wanted again is enough to drive me mad. My wife tells me that she wants me, and that she never wanted him, but it is like my brain is in protective mode, and will not believe her. She says it all the time, and it doesn't click in me.

So in the text that I highlighted above, I recognize that triggers cause all of these things come and go on the bad days. It is like I see them coming from a mile away, and I can't stop from being triggered. Once triggered, I am stuck in a state of hopelessness, that is really hard to snap myself out of.

I saw myself in some family videos the other day, and I started crying because I wanted so bad to feel like I used to feel back then. I felt so safe and secure. I didn't have a care in the world. Now I exist in a state of constant fear. Now I don't find joy in any of the things I used to love to do. Some of my favorite hobbies don't even interest me anymore.

Sorry for the rant...as you can probably tell, my wife is working today.

Sometimes on days that she works, I struggle with resentment. My hurt will sometimes turn into "How could she say that she loves me, and then lie right to my face". It has caused me to have temptations to have my own affair. I say temptations, because I do not want that at all, and I know that would make things 10x worse, but those kind of thoughts sometimes pop into my head,

I go through this, too. How can he say he loves me, is IN love with me and me alone, and then lie to me? I don't recall love meaning lying. I have been tempted as well to have my own "secret friend." I agree it would make things so much worse, though.

Sir,
I feel like you can't stand a long term Plan A.
I would set a deadline of 6 months and if she still refuses to leave the job and write a no contact letter then file for divorce.

Would your wife be willing to speak with Steve Harley?
I have heard that he is good with people in the fog

I think I am going to set a deadline for January. This has been the hardest year of my life, and I want to start 2015 out the right way.
I have tried and tried to avoid this, but I can see now, that if I continue to live like this, we will end up divorced anyway. I love her with all my heart, but I cannot spend the rest of my life not being able to trust her. I have learned through this, that trust is the most important thing, that a married couple has. Without it, there is no safety and security. Without these, how will you ever truly find peace and joy.

At least now, when she can tell that I am struggling with my thoughts, she doesn't say "Why aren't you over this by now?" she now understands that I will never be "Over it" while there is any chance that she may run into him. I want to have a truly recovered marriage. I don't want to fail again years down the road, because we continued on with a crippled marriage.

I tried for a while to convince myself that overtime I would get over the hurt and painful feelings, but it has been 4 months since Dday 2,(I consider the original betrayal back in November and December Dday 1), and sometimes it feels as fresh as if I just found out that day.

The main thing I need to focus on right now, is being the best father and husband on the planet. I also need to force myself to get motivated again with some of my favorite hobbies. Maybe this will help me avoid the bad days. I also want to start working out on a regular basis, so I will feel healthy. I have actually lost 25 lbs since January, but I don't feel very healthy.

I just want to feel like my old self again someday...