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x3954 #2819395 09/15/14 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954
k long story short she has affair no detail necessary breaks it off after confrontation now they are talking again says she wants us to remain friends
Why all the paranoia about her finding your posts? This is an anonymous forum. Why not worry that she will find somebody else's thread and think that it is yours? Affairs follow classic patterns. Your situation is not unique.

In all probability, the affair is still active. Affairs do not typically end at the point of discovery, and waywards are notorious liars. Read the book "Surviving an Affair". That gives you the recovery blueprint to follow. Stop cowering at the mere idea that your wife will find out about your reaching out for help. Acting like a whimp makes you very unappealing to her. You need to stand up and fight for your marriage.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
x3954 #2819396 09/15/14 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954
Ok I'll try as much as I can. I'll give my background. I have failed our marriage. Been very controlling and emotionally distant until I was hit with the realization that this affair happened. For some reason I felt angry before but this literally woke me up. Felt so many things I hadn't for a long time.


It sounds to me like a classic case of a wayward wife gas lighting her husband to justify her affair. When a person has an affair, they look for excuses to justify it so they rewrite history. Wayward wives love to accuse their husbands of being "controlling" when they object to their abusive behavior. It sounds like that has been done.

The biggest problem in your marriage is her AFFAIR, not your "controlling." Any marital problems can be solved once her affair is over.

How many affairs has she had? Who is this current [censored]? Is he a coworker? Is he married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


mrEureka #2819397 09/15/14 08:11 AM
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You are right I need a good swift kick to the a$$ thank you.

So back to it. Couple weeks ago I confront her. Big blowout of course its over basicly. Next day complete 180 wants to work it out breaks all contact with him on her own I never even mentioned it. So we try couple weeks go by. They start talking again and haven't stopped since.

I start researching in desperation trying to find some consolation. Find this site couple others. Buy Dr. Harley's book it does help me see how I failed and why the affair happened.

She says I am focusing only on the wrong thing the affair and she was leaving anyways even if he wasn't in the picture. I keep waffling. I want to do anything to make it work then I don't then feeling nothing. I'm loosing my faith in myself. I can't find joy in any of the things that made me happy.

I am seriously committed to fixing myself with or without her so I suppose I must make that a first priority.

The other problem is we are trying to be separate but share the family home and seeing her is killing me. My friend tells me everyday the only way that would ever work is if both people have absolutely no feelings towards each other. I just can't convince myself to give up on her. I feel like we could pull through this somehow and be better for it.

x3954 #2819398 09/15/14 08:15 AM
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Kind of a coworker like I said and he is married but in the middle of divorce. I get that my wife and he see themselves as kindered spirits. Both in bad marriages both neglected.

I guess this would be easier if I had a "friend" to talk to too right? Have my guy friends but I'm crippled for some reason and cannot make a decision.

I mean reading chapter 1 in his needs, her needs gave me goosebumps.

x3954 #2819400 09/15/14 08:22 AM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2819401 09/15/14 08:24 AM
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Sir,
At this point you should:
* Snoop as much as possible. Install a GPS on her vehicle, keyloggers and spyware on computers and phones. Place a voice activated recorder in her vehicle. You need to obtain evidence of this affair.

*Prepare for exposure. Read the link Exposure 101 in MelodyLane signature and then come back after you have read that.

BrainHurts #2819402 09/15/14 08:25 AM
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What exactly are you trying to "decide"?


aBetterMe

Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)

MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
x3954 #2819406 09/15/14 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954
Kind of a coworker like I said and he is married but in the middle of divorce. I get that my wife and he see themselves as kindered spirits. Both in bad marriages both neglected.

I guess this would be easier if I had a "friend" to talk to too right? Have my guy friends but I'm crippled for some reason and cannot make a decision.

I mean reading chapter 1 in his needs, her needs gave me goosebumps.


Are you here to save your marriage and listen to advice or are you here to BLOG? Because we can't help you if you are just a blogger. This is an action program, not a blogging forum.

Do you want to listen or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


x3954 #2819407 09/15/14 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954

I mean reading chapter 1 in his needs, her needs gave me goosebumps.


Put the book aside and go read the exposure thread that is linked in my signature. You need to stop what you are doing and start listening to us if you want to have any hope of saving this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


x3954 #2819408 09/15/14 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954
So we try couple weeks go by. They start talking again and haven't stopped since.

How do you know they are talking? You appear to be able to spy on them. By what means?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
x3954 #2819416 09/15/14 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: x3954
I mean reading chapter 1 in his needs, her needs gave me goosebumps.
You are reading the wrong book. You need to read "Surviving an Affair". That book contains the plan for dealing with affairs and recovery. "His Needs, Her Needs" was not written to address active affair situations. "Surviving an Affair" is.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2819476 09/15/14 01:09 PM
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Well my efforts are too little too late. I think it is officially over I just hadn't accepted it until today. We have worked a mutually agreeable conclusion. I am sorry for wasting anybody's time. I thought I had a chance to save us. Its all clear to me now.

x3954 #2819486 09/15/14 01:35 PM
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What happened? So you are interested in seeking a divorce? If you are not, then how is divorce a 'mutually agreeable conclusion?'

unwritten #2819487 09/15/14 01:38 PM
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You are wasting everybody's time with your short cryptic messages. You may very well STILL have a chance to save this, but how would we know if we don't know what's going on?

I am guessing nothing is clear to you, which is what the board can help you with.

unwritten #2819534 09/15/14 03:14 PM
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I'll try as best as I can. Her story has not changed since day one. I think we should separate but stay friends. I have been clinging onto this kernel of hope that she would come around and do the right thing. Try to focus on rebuilding what is shattered. I think what has finally happened is my heart is hardened. I don't deserve to be treated like this. So I'll be cordial but there is no going back now for either of us.

I mean if she came literally crawling back to me and I mean crawling and sincerely wanting to at least try I guess I may try for kids sake but my mind has changed.

x3954 #2819535 09/15/14 03:17 PM
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Why should you separate and stay friends? Wouldn't it be better to separate and move on, to never see or talk to her again? It seems to me that would be better for your future happiness than trying to continue a relationship with someone who was unfaithful to you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2819607 09/15/14 11:36 PM
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They have a child together. They will have to see/talk to each other.

susiew #2819609 09/15/14 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: susiew
They have a child together. They will have to see/talk to each other.


No, they dont need to

Jedi_Knight #2819618 09/16/14 04:50 AM
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At first I thought I could work through whatever that baby was worth it but now I'm starting to doubt I am capable of such forgiveness. I just go back and forth and up and down. How do you guys and girls get through this? And I know the kid is starting to ask questions I just don't know how to answer.

Its so clear cut and easy for my wife but not for me.

x3954 #2819639 09/16/14 09:29 AM
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Sir,

Your posts are too vague.
You need to provide more information for a response.
How old is the child?
Is he your child or the child from an affair?

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