Ok I won't get into it too much so lets make a long story short. Very long relationship. Controlling thanks to me. We kind of fell apart after baby. She cheats. I am willing to do anything to become the man she deserves. She does not believe me, of course. But I have changed like a switch in my brain flipped. She refuses counseling. I found this wonderful site. Gave me hope. Brought it up since I have to share and it looks like I'm still being controlling. Any hope? I'm trying to follow my heart.

Welcome to Marriage Builders! Can you tell us more about your relationship? Are you married? How long?

WHO is she cheating with? A coworker, friend, married man? Is her affair still active?

And please don't follow your heart!! Your emotions will not help you at this time.

can't give too many details if she sees it will only push away

probably not should post at all just wish to help things

Can't help you if you don't give enough details for us to understand your situation.

we have son together.

WHO is she cheating with? A coworker, friend, married man? all 3 in one person more or less not 3 people

she fell out of love with me when we drift apart after baby

I did everything wrong an want to be a person I should be but seem to say do wrong things

still hard to talk sorry

Are you married?

Yes

ok

i'm fighting for mor than her or me and she won't recoginze it

probably my fault for not taking action sooner

is there a reason private messages do not work for me?

Found the answer to my own question.

MelodyLane I'm trying to open up. Its hard for us guys Bear with me. I'm trying to get her to try the program even though she does not want to be married to me or anyone anymore. I printed the emotional needs questionnaires for us maybe she'll fill it out. I don't know what to do I feel so lost. I'm not sure there is any hope I was so bad at marriage for so long I've ruined her

x3954, if she is having an affair, then the questionnaires are not going to help you. You have to first kill her affair. I would read the Exposure thread linked in my signature and make plans to expose it. Don't bring her here until you have killed the affair.

well its more complicated than that to say more is to out myself

k

Sir,
Nobody can tell you which of Dr. Harley concepts to apply to your situation if you don't name the situation!
That's like calling 911 and saying your house is on fire but refusing to give the dispatcher your address!

k long story short she has affair no detail necessary breaks it off after confrontation now they are talking again says she wants us to remain friends

Sir, if you want folks here to take their valuable time to give you advice, you are going to have to give us the FACTS. We can't help you unless you do that. And I am not going to waste my time on someone who writes incoherent little one liners like he is texting to his BFF. If you want us to give you some serious attention, then you need to get serious yourself.

Ok I'll try as much as I can. I'll give my background. I have failed our marriage. Been very controlling and emotionally distant until I was hit with the realization that this affair happened. For some reason I felt angry before but this literally woke me up. Felt so many things I hadn't for a long time.

So I'll back track. Years ago something happened with her and some guy. She asked for forgiveness and to be taken back and I did. Never really asked for the details it didn't matter I was madly in love.

Things progressively got more controlling. After many fights for years we just kept chugging a long. My father passes I suffer a depression or mental breakdown I don't know what. So I quit my job. Shortly there after we decide to have a kid. Things have been rocky since. I'll post more as I can but baby needs me for something.

Why all the paranoia about her finding your posts? This is an anonymous forum. Why not worry that she will find somebody else's thread and think that it is yours? Affairs follow classic patterns. Your situation is not unique.

In all probability, the affair is still active. Affairs do not typically end at the point of discovery, and waywards are notorious liars. Read the book "Surviving an Affair". That gives you the recovery blueprint to follow. Stop cowering at the mere idea that your wife will find out about your reaching out for help. Acting like a whimp makes you very unappealing to her. You need to stand up and fight for your marriage.

It sounds to me like a classic case of a wayward wife gas lighting her husband to justify her affair. When a person has an affair, they look for excuses to justify it so they rewrite history. Wayward wives love to accuse their husbands of being "controlling" when they object to their abusive behavior. It sounds like that has been done.

The biggest problem in your marriage is her AFFAIR, not your "controlling." Any marital problems can be solved once her affair is over.

How many affairs has she had? Who is this current [censored]? Is he a coworker? Is he married?

You are right I need a good swift kick to the a$$ thank you.

So back to it. Couple weeks ago I confront her. Big blowout of course its over basicly. Next day complete 180 wants to work it out breaks all contact with him on her own I never even mentioned it. So we try couple weeks go by. They start talking again and haven't stopped since.

I start researching in desperation trying to find some consolation. Find this site couple others. Buy Dr. Harley's book it does help me see how I failed and why the affair happened.

She says I am focusing only on the wrong thing the affair and she was leaving anyways even if he wasn't in the picture. I keep waffling. I want to do anything to make it work then I don't then feeling nothing. I'm loosing my faith in myself. I can't find joy in any of the things that made me happy.

I am seriously committed to fixing myself with or without her so I suppose I must make that a first priority.

The other problem is we are trying to be separate but share the family home and seeing her is killing me. My friend tells me everyday the only way that would ever work is if both people have absolutely no feelings towards each other. I just can't convince myself to give up on her. I feel like we could pull through this somehow and be better for it.

Kind of a coworker like I said and he is married but in the middle of divorce. I get that my wife and he see themselves as kindered spirits. Both in bad marriages both neglected.

I guess this would be easier if I had a "friend" to talk to too right? Have my guy friends but I'm crippled for some reason and cannot make a decision.

I mean reading chapter 1 in his needs, her needs gave me goosebumps.

Read this. Please Explain Gaslighting

Sir,
At this point you should:
* Snoop as much as possible. Install a GPS on her vehicle, keyloggers and spyware on computers and phones. Place a voice activated recorder in her vehicle. You need to obtain evidence of this affair.

*Prepare for exposure. Read the link Exposure 101 in MelodyLane signature and then come back after you have read that.

What exactly are you trying to "decide"?

Are you here to save your marriage and listen to advice or are you here to BLOG? Because we can't help you if you are just a blogger. This is an action program, not a blogging forum.

Do you want to listen or not?

Put the book aside and go read the exposure thread that is linked in my signature. You need to stop what you are doing and start listening to us if you want to have any hope of saving this.

How do you know they are talking? You appear to be able to spy on them. By what means?

You are reading the wrong book. You need to read "Surviving an Affair". That book contains the plan for dealing with affairs and recovery. "His Needs, Her Needs" was not written to address active affair situations. "Surviving an Affair" is.

Well my efforts are too little too late. I think it is officially over I just hadn't accepted it until today. We have worked a mutually agreeable conclusion. I am sorry for wasting anybody's time. I thought I had a chance to save us. Its all clear to me now.

What happened? So you are interested in seeking a divorce? If you are not, then how is divorce a 'mutually agreeable conclusion?'

You are wasting everybody's time with your short cryptic messages. You may very well STILL have a chance to save this, but how would we know if we don't know what's going on?

I am guessing nothing is clear to you, which is what the board can help you with.

I'll try as best as I can. Her story has not changed since day one. I think we should separate but stay friends. I have been clinging onto this kernel of hope that she would come around and do the right thing. Try to focus on rebuilding what is shattered. I think what has finally happened is my heart is hardened. I don't deserve to be treated like this. So I'll be cordial but there is no going back now for either of us.

I mean if she came literally crawling back to me and I mean crawling and sincerely wanting to at least try I guess I may try for kids sake but my mind has changed.

Why should you separate and stay friends? Wouldn't it be better to separate and move on, to never see or talk to her again? It seems to me that would be better for your future happiness than trying to continue a relationship with someone who was unfaithful to you.

They have a child together. They will have to see/talk to each other.

No, they dont need to

At first I thought I could work through whatever that baby was worth it but now I'm starting to doubt I am capable of such forgiveness. I just go back and forth and up and down. How do you guys and girls get through this? And I know the kid is starting to ask questions I just don't know how to answer.

Its so clear cut and easy for my wife but not for me.

Sir,

Your posts are too vague.
You need to provide more information for a response.
How old is the child?
Is he your child or the child from an affair?

Our child together and 3 years old.

I thought I was over it but something is compelling me to try and work it out. See my earlier posts http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2819360&page=1 I feel much more focused than before but I fear it is all in vain. I want to at least be her friend but she treats me so badly I do not think it will play out that way.

Perhaps I should explain what is going on better. It was not all that long ago I felt certain it was over, never meant to be in the first place, etc. Maybe a week or so ago I felt changed like something was pushing me to try just this one last time. I'm sure its a waste but I feel compelled to do my best. So I am trying to be her friend despite all the heartache. I think it is probably the calm before the storm.

I had been telling myself to hate her and spent the better part of 2014 convincing myself that I did. Now I am forced to deal with the realization that I in fact still love her deeply and its tearing me apart. I just take one day at a time but after so many sleepless nights it becomes more difficult.

I also have to come to grips with the fact that I was a crappy husband and probably drove her to cheat. What a great new year. Anyways it helps to vent so thank you to anyone that is listening.

Did you expose the affair? Are divorce proceedings underway? Exposing the affair is the very first step. You say you want to try, but did you ever start?

I did. I told her parents and most of our joint friends. Didn't make a difference. She is officially in "love" with him.

Did you expose to the OM's wife and his family as we instructed?

No I didn't see the point. They are in the end stages of their own divorce and she already has someone else in her life. And there's the whole problem of finding a way to contact her.

Did you post him on Cheaterville?

Then you should start there. We don't really care if you "see the point"or not. Your best thinking destroyed your marriage, so you don't know what you are doing. If you want help here, you are gong to have to start taking the advice. Don't waste our valuable time.

You need to get off your butt and find her.

^^^^ yes.

You have OM's name, correct?

So many ways to find her information.