I've been pouring over the articles and suddenly realize how destructive I have been. Given this information, the course of action should seem fairly obvious. Change using the tools on this site.

But it's not that simple. For example, I'm pretty sure I have done all the evil things listed in love busters like selfish demands... yup, I'm guilty of all of them in spades. I'm pretty sure I can start to alter those quickly and make some significant changes.

Here is the tricky part. In regard to sex, I have sexual aversions now as well. I have not found where Dr. Harley addresses how to deal with such a lack of satisfaction with sex that you just find it disgusting. In theory, I thought that if I shared what I liked and she shared what she liked, we could happily meet each others needs. During oral sex I asked for it to be a little faster and stronger. Not as a judgement, but gently guiding her toward what worked for me. Any request for change on my part has always been met with brutal resistance. Not always in the moment, but within a day or so, I get told 'I don't NEEEEEED rough sex' with such vitriol, that I feel as though I can never ever speak up about sex. That's how it started out anyway. fast forward 30 years and we have both become so bitter and damaging that I am surprised we haven't spontaneously exploded.

I realize now that my wife is an electric fence person and even gently asking for a change is inviting resistance or a fight. Usually, she simply does the opposite and waits for me to pick the fight after trying to gently guide her again.

So now, I find zero pleasure in sex. None. I could bang all day with someone else, but she shuts my desire down in no time flat. Looking at her can turn me off.

It seems that no one addresses what happens when lack of effort and passive aggressive actions result in sexual aversion in men.

As a man with a very high sex drive and a taste for the wild side of sex, I just can't stand the slow, low key nature of her sexuality. I'm mad at myself for this but I feel as though I am not even in the bedroom. I'm just a tool to meet her emotional and rare sexual needs.

I know this is counter intuitive to think a man doesn't want sex because the demand for all of my preferences to be omitted is not something you expect. I could really never have sex again rather than have sensual sex. I used to like it but it's like having a pure diet of honey or nothing at all.

So the real question is how do I learn to WANT sex with her again if I never enjoy it? If we do what I like, she's out. If we do what she likes, I'm turned off pretty quickly. I had hoped we could have both met each others needs and all would be fixed but she can't or won't meet me half way.

But I'm still expected to have desire for her...

First, a quick question. Do you like porn? If so, can you give me your background with porn?

And have you had any affairs?

In the beginning there was no porn. Once the sex stopped, I started watching porn. She had an affair then I did, then we became swinger.

Porn did little to change my views of sex compared to swinging. Oddly, the things I learned was that I never want to sleep around again. I prefer one woman. And also that what I wanted was a responsive lover. From day one, before porn, before swinging, before affairs, my wife was selfish in bed and things were one sided. I am literally asking for less than I was one year after marriage. Before you throw me out with the bathwater, know that my wife had sex with many men and women and was known for being wild. Just never with me. I'm the car you keep in the garage and never drive, while the old clunker has all the fun.

I've learned that you are either the bill payer or the guy that gets sex. As soon as you are the safe, loving guy, sex is out the window. At least the good sex. Sure, if a guy spends the entire night focused on his wife's needs and never has his needs met during sex, he actually has sex... but it's all about her and none of the sex is about him. I have ex swinger friends, pastor friends and long time decent Christian friends... every guy I know sighs and agrees with me that the man is removed from the sex equation because we have decided as a society that sex is all about the woman.

I am fully open to change my opinions, but please include real life cases of men doing the right thing and his wife actually met his sex needs his way enough to be worth it. From what I see on this site(which I love) is that a man has to turn sex into this long protracted emotional scenario and then end up with lame sex. More emotional sex... I'm not saying anything is wrong with emotional sex. Not at all... but it's not fulfilling to any man I know. What I would hope to have happen is if I spend 4-5 hours being a great guy to my wife and meeting her needs for real, that she would reciprocate with some of that sex being wild and fulfilling to her man. Men play football and like MMA. To insist that every moment of sex is uber tender and loving is NOT the kind of sex a man is going to race home to have.

I'll be honest, it seems that this attitude is rather narcissistic. Spend 5 hours on me, spend money on me, then your reward is have sex only the way I like it(says the woman). Where is the love that says, hey, men and women have different needs and we BOTH meet BOTH needs? I think it specious logic verging on sophistry to say that being more athletic and wild in bed is bad or improper.

I can understand why your wife does not want to have sex with you. Here is the reason why:


Women need 2 things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. If they don't enjoy the act, they stop having sex with him. So if you want her to ever want to have sex with you, you will have to focus on pleasing her. Anything that is not mutually pleasing should be eliminated. It sounds from your description that she did a lot of sacrificing when having sex with you.

I would add that watching porn destroys the sex life in a marriage. It creates a contrast effect that makes it much harder to enjoy your sexual partner.

This article might help you understand: How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

Sir, I don't think there is any hope for your marriage because neither you or your wife care about your marriage!
There is no care and protection in your marriage.

I think the first step would be to stop participating in the swinging lifestyle.
is your wife willing to stop? Or has she fallen in love with one of her sex partners?

To be honest, your best thinking has destroyed your sex life and your marriage. You are the grossly obese man who is lecturing the thin people about weight loss. Just a suggestion: you might want to put aside your own- FAILED - ideas and listen to others who have what you want.

If you aren't here to listen, then you are just wasting our time and yours. Put a sock in it, dude.

It seems that simply having sex is assumed to be what meets a man's needs. I can tell you that we can have tender, emotional sex all day long and while that is not bad, it's not fulfilling in the least. I'm not joking when I say that I sort of understand how a woman can feel empty and used after sex. What is the point of having sex if I'm not even allowed in the room. I'm just there to fulfill her emotional needs and if we technically have intercourse, I am supposed to be automatically fulfilled. Not even close! Hey sex is sex, right? NOT.

I hope that Dr. Harley does not always assume that by erasing all traces of the kind of sex a man likes, which in return gets his wife naked more often, equates in any way to being more sexually fulfilled. We can have that kind of sex all day and I will walk away deeply unsatisfied.

In fact, you can pretty much guarantee that if I spend a night with a woman being all romantic I will feel deeply emotionally connected and enjoy it, but be sooooo out of the sex mood it's the last thing on my mind. The ACT of being warm and fuzzy is fantastic, but leads my libido as far from sex as I can get. It's been this way since the first time I have had sex. And no, there was pretty much zero porn or sexuality before my wife. One deeply regretted sexual encounter that had me feeling so guilty I didn't date again for a year. I was just a guy with guy feelings, desires and attitudes.

Is this site really saying that the best I can get is spend more time and energy to get the type of sex that my wife wants and I don't enjoy? That's really the best I can hope for? I can live without sex then, thanks.

Sir, are you reading anything that is posted to you?

Dave, it may interest you to know that Dr H doesn't counsel women to submit to male fantasies.

That is the fast track to misery.

If you learn how to give your partner more fulfilling sex rather than taking pleasure FROM her - you will see for yourself.

A woman enjoying sex is often an enjoyable thing for a man. Porno, violent and degrading fantasies are not the needs of a man, but boys. Boys who don't support, connect or give pleasure. Stop being such a boy and step up.

I really hear what everyone is saying. Porn and swinging are out of my life. I whole heartedly agree that the contrast effect is real and porn is disrespectful to her happiness so for those reasons I have made adjustments. I really think my pain and poor communication have been more of what I conveyed than what is really happening.

I do really appreciate the harsh words and I am listening completely.

If you will forgive me can I ask some clarifying questions?

1. If emotional attachment and a focus on pleasing her is required, where is the man in this equation. Is it really just all about the woman? I realize I am broken and deeply flawed, but is it really wrong for me to have some sexual preferences?

2. What's up with the grossly obese comment? I do not in any way require thinness nor did I intend to convey that. Being thin does not make a good lover. My wife is physically attractive. Was that just a punch in the gut to be mean? I probably deserve it.

3. Part of the problem is that my wife cannot adjust to anything. That has of course been devastating to my sexual desire for her, but it's not even about sex. She has ADD and things take her twice as long to do. Even if I try to be very nice and say that we need to be done shopping in time to make an appointment, that is a huge pain point for her. I can't change when the appointments are or other things that are outside of my control. From day one, if I do the dishes, which I do 80% of along with most of the housework on top of my job, she will reach over and shut the water off is a really angry way because she needs me to do it 100% her way. Never mind that I am doing the dishes without being asked almost every time they need done. We have a well, the water costs nothing. A few pennies for the pump running and hot water. But this happens with everything we engage in.

Anyway. I am deeply sorry for being so angry on here. If you can find it in your heart to help me see things differently, I am really willing to throw out pretty much everything I am doing and believe if it will work. I just hope that something of me is left in the end and it's not all about her. I don't think I can convey how opposite things work with my wife. The more things I do right, the more she takes. No reciprocation.

Example... She wants more time home alone so I work late. I'm sore and tired but I know she needs this. I get home to find out she stayed late at work instead of coming home when she found out I was working late. This has happened many times. The more I give the more is required and I can't keep up.

Is she still swinging?
Many women that get into swinging end up falling in love with a sex partner.
Is she involved with any men or women at this time?

BTW, I understand the issue with washing dishes.
My wife also had precise methods for doing everything, but ironically she was a horrible at keeping house and nothing ever got done!
I've had the water turned off while I was washing dishes too!

Also, I do not like violent sex. Athletic, yes. Trust me, in the beginning, I was not this worthless. I concur... I'm in a bad place and need to change. Trying hard...

But when I made sex all about her pleasure, it all went south. Far far less sex... and very quickly I was not even in the room for any other reason than to do her bidding.

But you know what, I'll try making it all about her again. I've done this several times before. Before the porn, before the swinging(which she did as well) and it did the opposite of what you said. I hope you can not only assume the worst about me but also see that I'm not dealing with a normal wife situation here. I can't describe how many things seem to work in reverse. Mathematically, I have had to get at least one thing accidentally right and seen at least one result you speak of. I'm the one who says we need counseling. I give her the garage and take the driveway, I tell her she is beautiful and stroke her hair. I am affectionate and snuggle, I clean, cook, scrub, mow, work double time... I buy her nice things then find socks and shorts for my birthday...

I almost always make her breakfast, clean the kitchen and deal with the second pot of coffee she takes to work. I heat her thermos, open the door for her so she doesn't need to take second trips to the car. I warm her car up and brush off all the snow. Many times I drive across town for my lunch break and clean the snow off her car when we get hit hard. I shovel a path to the door of her car. Man, I do stuff like this a lot because I want to give to her. She almost never has to deal with my laundry, dishes, dinner etc. I do almost all of it. I move faster at work so I can get home to get her coffee ready so she walks in to hot coffee. If I come home at lunch, I straighten up and prep dinner.

I don't want an award... I just want something to matter and for her to even do a few tiny things for me. Name a thing you assume she does for me and I'll bet she doesn't. So many people think we fit the normal 'wife takes care of husband like a child' and it's quite the opposite.

Please help. I am soooo willing to do more.

We would love to hear your wife's side of the story. It sounds very much as though she doesn't enjoy being with you. It would be very helpful to know what's going on from her point of view. Would she be willing to post here?

In sex, as with all the emotional needs, the need is to be met in such a way that both spouses are happy. Usually, the man has the higher need for sex because of the hormone testosterone, which creates a craving for sex. Many men would love to have oral sex, because the sensations are more intense. The biggest problem with this particular act is that it creates a contrast effect, making "regular" sex boring for the man.

Many wives do not want to perform oral sex, because it's not a very bonding experience for them. The way you want sex is making sex very unappealing for your wife. You don't have a need for oral sex, but you do have a need for sex.

Dr. Harley does indeed say that the person with the higher need for sex needs to make the experience very enjoyable for the person with the lower need. This goes for all the ENs. This means that sex is going to be all about making sure your wife is very happy with the experience. You can learn to be happy without oral sex, but she is unlikely to learn to like to perform it. This goes for most wives.

Your wife should not sacrifice to meet your desire for oral sex. Have you given up all sexual experiences other than your wife? No fantasy, no porn, no masturbation.

For most women, the biggest reason they make love with their husbands is because they enjoy the experience and they want to bond with him. If your wife lacks these two motivations, she's not going to want to make love with you at all. And if you keep pushing your way of wanting sex, it will push her further away.

And yeah, I've been having angry outbursts on here as well as in real life. Trust me, it has to end. I'm not going to put up with it from myself anymore.

No, she doesn't swing. We both don't. It's been 8 years(ish) since anything like that has happened.

I think she is still dealing with the fact that once I got into swinging, women fell in love with me easily. I was caring, attentive and when they actually saw me, I would fall for them. Not real love, but enough to be a threat to her. I found that I didn't want to swing at all. I just wanted a responsive lover.

Truth... and this is hard to admit. When I am treated well and someone cares, I actually prefer sensual sex. When it happened, I would immediately become very sensual. But there was no pain to trip over with the other woman, no harsh words. No one told me my checks weren't big enough. No one told me I was a fat [censored](yes, my wife said that)...

So I have to consider that my views on sex aren't even really my views. Thank you whoever you are for helping me see that. It sort of makes me want to try to find a painless situation where I can enjoy making love rather than erotic sex. I honestly forgot I like it because all I see is pain right now.

Angry outbursts are a HUGE love buster and they will push your wife away from you. Have you read up on all the love busters? Each one needs to be eliminated.

The comment about the grossly obese person was made as an analogy. ML used it to explain that you are here with your best thinking and in a very unhappy marriage trying to lecture and argue with people who have learned what a great marriage is. The comment wasn't about your preference for thin people. It's the same idea as an obese person trying to tell the slender healthy people how to be fit.