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Are you overweight? You mentioned your wife calling you a fat (censored.)
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Actually, I don't really care for oral sex. I never really did. It's ok. Actual sex feels a lot better for me and always has. In fact, I've gotten in deep trouble for saying I don't care much for oral sex... which is why I asked for it to be a little more aggressive. Honestly, I was just trying to do that thing where you ask for a micro adjustment in bed. The kind of silly thing I would think you wouldn't even register.
Over the last few days, I have been asking for small innocuous adjustments to see if it's just about asking for ANY adjustment. So far, any request is met with harshness. We are talking about little things like, can the tv be turned down a little. It wasn't that, but that is an example.
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I never really cared for oral sex. Not from day one. It's something she does and if I say it's not really my thing I'll get in trouble.
Here is something that might help you understand my life. When we got married, my wife had lied about not having a drivers licence. It took years and many HUGE fights to get her to get one. I would say, lets go for a drive and prep you for the test and she would explode. I'm not talking about an angry outburst, I'm talking about blood shot eyes and spit flying out as she screamed at the top of her lungs. You were NOT going to get her to do something she didnt want to do. Period!
Oddly, she has rewritten history on this and can't even really remember the pain she put me through on this. Like the affair she had... her comments are 'that was nothing' and insists my pain is not justified.
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Yes I am fat. I am very athletic as well as my job requires a massive amount of physical effort. I finish drywall and have done other jobs that you would think are more effort but this somehow beats me up and keeps me in shape.
I'm embarrassed to tell you I do drywall. My wife has said on many occasions that this embarrasses her and that I am nothing. What kind of 50 year old man is it that still does drywall she has said.
Of course, she denies having said it. I think she forgets what she says when she gets that angry.
Correction... 48.5 years old.
Also, we are both overweight.
Last edited by codrdave; 09/16/14 10:20 AM.
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Oh, good, I get it. I just really need to find something that works. I'm really having a hard time taking the painful hits and keeping my love busters down. That is in no way an excuse. But man it's hard.
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I somehow have to swallow the pain, take the hits and realize that it's entirely possible that I may find a way to do the right thing again and it have no effect. I just need to do it and let the rest fall where it does. That hurts just thinking about it. but who said it's not supposed to be all pain?
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Is it wrong to also need her love busters to end?
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I have to get off the Internet for now, but I'll close with this:
Any love bank deposits you make are going to be completely erased by committing love busters. While it takes a lot of love bank deposits to reach the romantic love threshold, it takes very few love busters to destroy love.
I don't understand what you mean by opening your discussion saying you want oral sex and then later on stating you don't really enjoy it.
I don't understand what you mean when you say you are fat but also have a job that keeps you in shape.
You and your wife both have ENs and they appear not be met by either of you. You both also have a lot of love busters. The first thing you will have to do is to eliminate all your love busters.
Married 1980
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Is it wrong to also need her love busters to end? Of course it's not wrong for you to want your wife to stop love busting. But she's not here; you are. It takes two people to create a great marriage, but you can start by eliminating your love busters. Have you read through all the articles and basic concepts on this site? Also, do you listen to the radio show? These would both be a great start.
Married 1980
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When I read the love busters I had a jolt of realization as to how far I have fallen down the traps of poor behavior. I had deep empathy for my wife and saw how my demands and threats that had evolved over the years were killing her love. I started with telling her I am sorry and that I see them for what they are and that they need to end now.
She asked what love busters she was doing and I said that independent behavior was killing me on the inside. The next hour was her correcting me on how she is not doing that.
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Is it wrong to also need her love busters to end? Her lovebusters will end if you follow this programme More importantly, it seems to me that you never recovered from your wife's affair and that this has left you with a long term aversion. You were sent a link about overcoming sexual aversion. Dr Harley has a fabulous formula which has worked for lots of posters but it is written for females as this more commonly happens to women. You will have to 'translate' the thinking into male issues, it is the same concept and it works. It requires a lot of effort on your part but is truly worthwhile.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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No, she doesn't swing. We both don't. It's been 8 years(ish) since anything like that has happened.
I think she is still dealing with the fact that once I got into swinging, women fell in love with me easily. I was caring, attentive and when they actually saw me, I would fall for them. Not real love, but enough to be a threat to her. I found that I didn't want to swing at all. I just wanted a responsive lover.
Truth... and this is hard to admit. When I am treated well and someone cares, I actually prefer sensual sex. When it happened, I would immediately become very sensual. But there was no pain to trip over with the other woman, no harsh words. No one told me my checks weren't big enough. No one told me I was a fat [censored](yes, my wife said that)...
So I have to consider that my views on sex aren't even really my views. Thank you whoever you are for helping me see that. It sort of makes me want to try to find a painless situation where I can enjoy making love rather than erotic sex. I honestly forgot I like it because all I see is pain right now. Do you have any contact with any of the former sex partners? Does your wife? Since she stays out late, etc she may be having an affair. You should start snooping
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Hey thanks. I hope you get back on later. I am all ears and am willing to work hard to change.
Corrections... Oral sex was happening and THEN I asked for an adjustment. I did not say I hate it, but it's ok. It's rarely something I directly request as it's not that great for me. But IF... if you(speaking to wife) are going to give me oral, can you do it a little faster and harder? I was asking for a very small adjustment to the technique. To which she replied, 'I don't enjoy it that way'.
As far as being fat and fit, that's actually a thing. You would look at me and quickly say, that guy is built and has a lot of muscle but you would also say I carry extra fat. Like, if I simply lost fat, I'd look more like a body builder than a thin guy. Im not good looking so I'm not trying to say that I'm all that and a bag of chips... just trying to make what I said earlier clear.
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Yes I am fat. I am very athletic as well as my job requires a massive amount of physical effort. I finish drywall and have done other jobs that you would think are more effort but this somehow beats me up and keeps me in shape.
I'm embarrassed to tell you I do drywall. My wife has said on many occasions that this embarrasses her and that I am nothing. What kind of 50 year old man is it that still does drywall she has said.
Of course, she denies having said it. I think she forgets what she says when she gets that angry.
Correction... 48.5 years old.
Also, we are both overweight. You should not be embarressed of your work. One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther King Jr. was that if a man is a street sweeper, let him have so much pride in his work that he sweeps as though he owns the street!
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She's not having an affair and after the last one, I doubt it would phase me much. I'm more concerned with the future than even what's happening now. Sex is just sex. If she is having an affair, I can get past that easily if she is willing to adjust.
ZERO contact with old sex partners. No way shape or form.
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Here is something that might help you understand my life. When we got married, my wife had lied about not having a drivers licence. It took years and many HUGE fights to get her to get one. I would say, lets go for a drive and prep you for the test and she would explode. I'm not talking about an angry outburst, I'm talking about blood shot eyes and spit flying out as she screamed at the top of her lungs. You were NOT going to get her to do something she didnt want to do. Period! This also tells us that you are in the habit of pushing your agenda onto your wife and trying to force her to do things YOU WANT. That is another reason why your marriage is in this poor shape. I know you posted this as an example of her angry outbursts, which are bad, but it is also an example of your selfish demands.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Corrections... Oral sex was happening and THEN I asked for an adjustment. I did not say I hate it, but it's ok. It's rarely something I directly request as it's not that great for me. But IF... if you(speaking to wife) are going to give me oral, can you do it a little faster and harder? I was asking for a very small adjustment to the technique. To which she replied, 'I don't enjoy it that way'. That is the correct response. She should only have sex in the way she enjoys or she will develop aversions. [oh wait, she has!]
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm embarrassed to tell you I do drywall. My wife has said on many occasions that this embarrasses her and that I am nothing. What kind of 50 year old man is it that still does drywall she has said.
Of course, she denies having said it. I think she forgets what she says when she gets that angry.
Correction... 48.5 years old.
Also, we are both overweight. What kind of job would make her proud? Have you thought about changing careers at your age? Drywalling is very physically demanding and you getting to an age where it will have detrimental effects on your body.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's not having an affair and after the last one, I doubt it would phase me much. I'm more concerned with the future than even what's happening now. Sex is just sex. If she is having an affair, I can get past that easily if she is willing to adjust.  
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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She's not having an affair and after the last one, I doubt it would phase me much. I'm more concerned with the future than even what's happening now. Sex is just sex. If she is having an affair, I can get past that easily if she is willing to adjust.
ZERO contact with old sex partners. No way shape or form. Okay, its good that you have no contact but understand that you can't work on your marriage if there is any affair going on.
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