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Let me address some things now that I am finally at home and on my computer. Kinda hard to type from a phone.
SugarCane is making HUGE assumptions, and not considering my side of things at all. Remember that I did not cheat, I did not divorce.
When I say my ex wife is all about the humpty dance, I am not kidding. Yes, the affection thing includes more than that, but let me tell you something, in the early years of our marriage, before kids, I would want to hold her hand or put my arms around her on the sofa while we watched a movie, whatever the situation was. I was always affectionate that way - I always liked to have some sort of physical contact with her. But every time I did that at home, she immediately tried to leverage that into a sexual encounter. EVERY time. I am not joking. It got to the point where I started touching her less and less because she was so aggressive in trying to parlay every simple sign of affection into a full-on romp. I even told her that sometimes I just wanted to hang out and put my arms around her, and if it evolved into a romp, then so be it, but let it happen naturally for pete's sake, ya know? She was always trying to force it.
When this happened, she'd get angry and stay angry. Then when I'd ask her what was wrong, she'd either say "nothing" or just glare at me. And when I WOULD try to initiate rompage at bedtime, she'd lay there like a corpse. Ya know, to punish me. Then when I'd roll over and go to sleep after she'd have zero response to my overtures, she'd cry (I never knew this until much much later, of course - she hid it from me). Bottom line is she NEVER communicated ANYTHING to me other than what SHE needed and only when she kept it to herself and it came out in an angry rant. "You just need to **** me more and everything will be fine." Translation: "YOU need to satisfy MY needs, and your needs are of no importance to me." THAT is right from Harley's book. She made me feel less and less important to her month after month, year after year. So when people like SugarCane start to preach to me about what my WIFE needed, and how I screwed up in not giving it to her, I get a little pissed. Harley's book is called HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. Not HER NEEDS HER NEEDS. By the way, when she was angry with me, guess what? It prevented me from being comfortable in initiating romance with her. That mood says "stay the hell way from me" to most guys. Not her, though, she expected me to overlook that and force myself on her. Sorry, but I do not possess a rapist mentality.
As for my needs, I don't need a lot of ego stroking like some guys. I don't need a woman who will tell me how flipping awesome I am every minute, because I don't think I am any more or less awesome than anyone else. Just an occasional "good job" or "you'll do fine" goes a long way with me. I just need to know that I am welcome in my own freaking house and that I am appreciated, even a little. But I got NONE of that from her. And wanting to screw me every time I give out a hug doesn't count, sorry.
When I lost my job in 2009, I told her it would be fine, that things would work out. She freaked out and started nagging me daily to "get a job" as though I was some homeless schlub living on her front stoop. She got angry at me for that, and stayed angry. Then when she'd get home, she'd find something to [censored] about (dishes weren't done, whatever) instead of a pleasant "How did the job search go today?" She would attack as soon as she got in the door, and that is no lie. I didn't even have time to ask her how her day was, so don't even give me crap about "Oh, well you coulda shoulda woulda..."
By the way, SugarCane, I was home taking care of two little girls in diapers, every day, all day, cooking every meal (including dinner for her), WHILE I was looking for a job and going on interviews... so I don't appreciate the
"...when she needed a husband to support her and her tiny children? No doubt she saw that as whining and breathtakingly self-absorbed."
horsesh*t, okay? I did everything in my power to make things work. You are so far off base with that nonsense, so keep your wild assumptions to yourself. You have no idea what went on in that house. I may not be Captain Perfect or Peter Plan A, but I am not going to sit here and let you make completely inaccurate characterizations of me.
Need to sleep. Been a very long week.
/rant Then why do you keep trying to reconcile with this woman?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Blind,
When my wife and I were going through divorce I could remember the good times but those memories were shrouded in my mind by the ugliness of affairs and the many love busters that eroded the love we once shared. But once we hit recovery, we put those things behind us, learned to better meet each others needs, and spend quality time together. The hurts just washed away.
If you are still intent on being in Plan A then start today and do so with intention. In order to succeed you must discipline yourself in the regimen of Plan A. This will require for you a new mindset. I would start by training yourself to eliminate disrespectful judgments, which have been the predominant fabric of this thread. Don't allow them anymore. Shun them from your conscience and from your subconscious mind. When they emerge, shut them down. Shut them down in the shower. Shut them down on way to and from work, shut them down in your posts here, even if you feel you need to defend yourself. And eliminate them in all of your communications with her.
Instead, focus on the ways you can be tender and loving to her. And make that the basis for ALL communication and interactions with her, even when she is cold and unloving. When she is this way simply do NOT respond.
I suggest you Plan A for 6 to 12 months. No more than that. Then you go to Plan B. Forever. Your pain doesn't have to last forever. You just need to give it your best shot. You haven't done that yet. But now that you have a job and are back on your feet you have an opportunity to make some serious love bank deposits.
Are willing to make a change, Blind?
Last edited by Justthe3ofus; 09/20/14 02:34 PM.
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It wasn't always this way, that's why. I am hoping that through the fog of her affair that she learns a few things. I can tell she is not happy, and I'm not the only one who sees it.
Also, remember that she was young when we got married. I had more life experience with things like losing jobs and paying bills than she did.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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I have a question. Who was betrayed in your relationship? Did the affair end before Plan A commenced? I am not sure how entrenched she is in this relationship with POSOM.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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I have a question? Who was betrayed in your relationship? Did the affair end before Plan A commenced? I am not sure how entrenched she is in this relationship with POSOM. I had a 3 month online EA. She had a revenge online affair with a millionaire. It turned physical, and she left our family for him. She divorced me and the POSOM wanted to marry her. They came very close to tying the knot. But she did not want to be his second wife (He lives in a Muslim country where this sort of thing is allowed). He was a real egotistical jack@$$, and she knew she didn't want to live in his prison. After the divorce was finalized, I started to move on (I had a romantic interest), and at that point she re-opened communication with me, and we began our recovery. I did my Plan A over the 9 months of the divorce process. She was not living with me. It was hard because I harbored a lot of resentment and quite frankly I hated her for what she did. But in all of my communications with her--except a couple early on--I refrained from disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. I simply didn't do them, because, as I told her, I wanted to keep open the door to reconciliation. During Plan A, I would text her messages letting her know I still believed in us and I would do things to help her when she was sick or need of assistance. I did not smother her, and I did not cry or act desperate. I simply planted the seed that when things fell apart in affair land I would be a safe landing. Honestly, I did not think we had a chance. I thought she would never love me again, and we were history. I did not understand any of it. How could she throw away 20 good years and a family? Little did I know that each Plan A pebble that I threw in the river along with good memories of our past, did build a bridge for her come back to me. In your situation, you have a few things working in your advantage. 1) The novelty of her affair is over by now, and I'd bet that her POSOM is making some kind of love busters. So you can be the better alternative if you play your cards right. 2) You are working now and doing better financially. 3) You are her daughters' father. Be an admirable father. Now that you are working show generous financial support for the girls. This will make more deposits in her love bank. Stop being critical of her decisions. If you disagree with them, or if they are made in the context of the affair, dismiss them in your mind instead of letting them marinate. Being in Plan A means offering up your anger to Jesus and executing the plan. Don't confuse that with being a door mat. But in order to win back your wife, you will need to show her through your actions that you do love her and you are a person who she would like to be intimate with again.
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Thanks for the reply. I do remember reading your story and thinking how painful it must have been.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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Sir,
Did you get caught up with Child Support or get on a payment plan with the state?
That may be an issue with her too
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Sir,
Did you get caught up with Child Support or get on a payment plan with the state?
That may be an issue with her too Yes, that is all taken care of. Has been for quite a while. I'll also be adding the girls to my insurance which takes effect the end of October.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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It wasn't always this way, that's why. I am hoping that through the fog of her affair that she learns a few things. I can tell she is not happy, and I'm not the only one who sees it. So how long is Plan Hope supposed to last? At one point all of us never hadn't it that way...or we would not have married our spouses. Also, remember that she was young when we got married. I had more life experience with things like losing jobs and paying bills than she did. I don't see that as meaning much. About how old is OM? By the way, she brought 2 big bags of my clothes with her when she dropped the girls off. She's still scrubbing her life of any evidence of my existence. You really need to stop trying to dissect everything she says and does. You have been divorced for almost 18 mos and have lived apart for over three yrs. Why would she keep your clothes? She was civil and returned them vs tossing them. I just don't see where exWW has showed any sign of wanting to reconcile. This all screams Plan Hope to me and looks very unhealthy.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Of course she shows no signs. She is in the fog. She's getting laid and that's all that has mattered to her for quite some time. She also shows signs of being more concerned with her own needs over her daughters'. I guess hoping that changes is pointless too?
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Of course she shows no signs. She is in the fog. She's getting laid and that's all that has mattered to her for quite some time. She also shows signs of being more concerned with her own needs over her daughters'. I guess hoping that changes is pointless too? You can always hope things change. I just don't see them changing and see you wasting a lot of time on this woman. Based on what you just wrote, if that is how she is TODAY then yes all you will be doing is hoping in between venting.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
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Justthe3ofus didn't see things changing, either. I don't know if you do any praying, but I do, and I have seen my prayers answered many times over the past couple of years with respect to my ability to take care of my obligations, pay my bills, and make progress on my business project. Things have happened that defy odds and 'coincidence' as far as I am concerned.
It sounds to me like you might be projecting some of your own experience into my situation? Nothing is impossible, and I HAVE seen signs that she is unhappy. I'm sure she feels good when she is getting certain needs met but is she happy overall? I'm not so sure. She is not like most people - she's not going to come out and say something.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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Yes I pray. Don't know what that has to do with anything I wrote but yes I do.
And I am not projecting but am offering some advice to you based on my own experience with people/life in general...not my former marriage.
A lot of people don't come out and say anything. Being a poor communicator or expecting other's to be mind readers is very common. She is like a lot of people.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
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I've never had a partner who wasn't willing to talk about things.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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I've never had a partner who wasn't willing to talk about things. Except your exWW? ETA: I'm not sure how you meant that comment but your dating pool of women does not necessarily represent the general population.
Last edited by black_raven; 09/20/14 06:57 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
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Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574 |
WTF is with the cynical posts by women members?? I am trying to stay hopeful but you people are busting my balls here. I am fully aware of the realities of my situation. I am pretty sure Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair isn't a single page that reads "Meh, probably ain't gonna happen."
My friend who used MB to revive his marriage after his wife's affair personally knows THREE couples who divorced and remarried or are in the process. I am hoping that I can defy the odds like those people.
Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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WTF is with the cynical posts by women members?? I am trying to stay hopeful but you people are busting my balls here. I am fully aware of the realities of my situation. I am pretty sure Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair isn't a single page that reads "Meh, probably ain't gonna happen."
My friend who used MB to revive his marriage after his wife's affair personally knows THREE couples who divorced and remarried or are in the process. I am hoping that I can defy the odds like those people. What you don't seem to understand is how unattractive your posts make you seem. The women members here don't see how your WW would be attracted to you. AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Wow! Never seen anyone react so badly to so much good advice! Breathe! Step back, don't react act. Do you have a plan? I would use the pat of plan B that focuses on your own well being and getting your own smile on first.
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In other words get yourself right first, because the way you're reacting to good advice is not helping you.
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Wow! Never seen anyone react so badly to so much good advice! Breathe! Step back, don't react act. Do you have a plan? I would use the pat of plan B that focuses on your own well being and getting your own smile on first. Unfortunately, Bluebeck you and the original poster have one thing in common: Neither of you have been in a real Plan B...and as a result this poster is unable to focus on personal healing due to continual interactions with his ex.
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