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I have been paying the mortgage on the house (separated since April) and next spring I have plans to put in an in-ground pool. My husband suggested today that I refinance the house in my name only and cash out on any equity and put it towards the pool. It won't be much, but it might cover it. I was discussing financing options with him and he was trying to help...he blurted out this idea in an effort to help and to get me thinking about what will eventually need done anyway if/when we divorce.

My question- if he agrees to the mortgage change to my name and it involves my cashing out on the equity and purchasing a pool with the money....can he retroactively request this money in a future divorce settlement? Should I be minimizing my purchases during this separation or just proceed as normal? This all seems like a great idea to me...much better than taking out a signature loan.

Thanks in advance for any input smile

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Originally Posted by WalkinOnSunshine
I have been paying the mortgage on the house (separated since April) and next spring I have plans to put in an in-ground pool. My husband suggested today that I refinance the house in my name only and cash out on any equity and put it towards the pool. It won't be much, but it might cover it. I was discussing financing options with him and he was trying to help...he blurted out this idea in an effort to help and to get me thinking about what will eventually need done anyway if/when we divorce.

My question- if he agrees to the mortgage change to my name and it involves my cashing out on the equity and purchasing a pool with the money....can he retroactively request this money in a future divorce settlement? Should I be minimizing my purchases during this separation or just proceed as normal? This all seems like a great idea to me...much better than taking out a signature loan.

Thanks in advance for any input smile
Have you asked your lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by WalkinOnSunshine
My question- if he agrees to the mortgage change to my name and it involves my cashing out on the equity and purchasing a pool with the money....can he retroactively request this money in a future divorce settlement? Should I be minimizing my purchases during this separation or just proceed as normal? This all seems like a great idea to me...much better than taking out a signature loan.

Thanks in advance for any input smile


I agree with Brainy that you need to check this with a lawyer if you have one but the underlying principle is that your real estate assets are marital no matter whose name they are held in. If you both wish for the house to remain with you and you both wish for a refinance to take place and to change the title to your name, then make those changes by all means if it makes economic sense to do so; for instance because you can reduce your monthly interest payments or because the bank might decline you for a refinance next year.

The house will still be a marital asset to be divided and the equity will still belong to both of you equally. The fact that you are currently making the mortgage payments is not going to be relevant as your income is considered marital.

I would not recommend either increasing the size of the mortgage or building a pool until your affairs are settled. You cannot know at this stage how things will play out. It would be terrible to find you have to sell the house to settle with him.


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Originally Posted by WalkinOnSunshine
My question- if he agrees to the mortgage change to my name and it involves my cashing out on the equity and purchasing a pool with the money....can he retroactively request this money in a future divorce settlement? Should I be minimizing my purchases during this separation or just proceed as normal? This all seems like a great idea to me...much better than taking out a signature loan.

If separation or divorce has not been filed, he may not be entitled to any equity used to finance a pool...but getting a loan in your name only and putting in a pool sounds like a horrible idea to me.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by living_well
I would not recommend either increasing the size of the mortgage or building a pool until your affairs are settled. You cannot know at this stage how things will play out. It would be terrible to find you have to sell the house to settle with him.

x 100

You may put yourself in a very bad position by doing this. And I don't believe your H is concerned that you are comfortable with a new pool. His motive is very likely to be getting his name off the mortgage so he can simply walk away easier and sooner. You then have sole liability for the mortgage vs him being jointly liable for the mortgage and house maintenance. I would not do this.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thank you all so much for the responses. I have not contacted a lawyer, other than free consultation, but looks like this is something I will need to run by him. The state we live in does not require a separation to be filed. We have not been living together and I don't mind being solely responsible for the mortgage and house maintenance. It has been a huge responsibility, but I have somehow managed and I would like to stay here indefinitely if possible. I really do want to put in a pool, but rethinking the loan idea...someone said this would not be a good idea. I suppose anything could happen in the end, he could change his mind about giving me the house...then we would be forced to sell, pool and all. Good to know that even if I put the mortgage in my name, he may still have claim to it. Thanks all!

Last edited by WalkinOnSunshine; 09/10/14 12:08 PM.
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Thanks again to all who commented on my post regarding finances and putting in a pool, while being separated. I have a new question and am hoping to find some clarity, since I've never had to deal with any of this before.

I love this house our family shared and I do not want to move out. I still intend to raise my kids in this house and make it a place they will always call home. Not always, but often enough, I am reminded of better times. These ghosts of the past haunt me and can literally bring me to my knees. The things we used to do together, the places we sat together.

Will this pass with time? My hope is that I can create new memories and eventually all will be a distant memory with no emotion attached to it. Has anyone else stayed in the marital home and eventually moved on, replacing old memories with new, loving your home, the way you always have? Whether a person loses a spouse through death or divorce, I imagine it is equally as difficult to deal with these ghosts or "ghost" in the home. It would be a shame if I forever associated this house with him and even more of a shame if the association always caused pain frown


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I moved after my wifes affair and divorce and it was such a good feeling to be out of the marital home.
I encourage you to move and start over...or you can stay in memories for years

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I moved after my wifes affair and divorce and it was such a good feeling to be out of the marital home.
I encourage you to move and start over...or you can stay in memories for years

That is always an option, probably the most logical one. I really want to stay here for many reasons. Moving out would be a last resort. Not sure if I can deal with these memories for years though. Staying here does seem counterintuitive to moving on and putting the past behind me. Thanks for sharing what worked best for you.

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WOS, if you move you will be utterly amazed at how different you feel. My H and I moved years into recovery from a house we loved and we were so surprised to realize we had been living under a dark cloud in that house. The sadness was lingering for all those years and we didn't really see it. Our marriage, and quality of life really moved into a bright, new sunny realm after we moved. That is when we REALLY recovered.

We have since sold house #2 and the people we sold it to said "this is a happy home."

Everyone I know who has moved has been extremely glad they did. I hope you move!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
WOS, if you move you will be utterly amazed at how different you feel. My H and I moved years into recovery from a house we loved and we were so surprised to realize we had been living under a dark cloud in that house. The sadness was lingering for all those years and we didn't really see it. Our marriage, and quality of life really moved into a bright, new sunny realm after we moved. That is when we REALLY recovered.

We have since sold house #2 and the people we sold it to said "this is a happy home."

Everyone I know who has moved has been extremely glad they did. I hope you move!

MelodyLane - thanks so much for your perspective. That is exactly what it is...a dark cloud. A new, sunny beginning would be nice for me and my children. I do love it here, so maybe I can find something around. I just haven't seen anything as perfect for me. I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I think I will give it a makeover, brighten the walls, rearrange the furniture, get rid of this stupid bed. If I had the money, I would buy new furniture. Each piece reminds me of the day we picked it out, funny stories about how we moved the love seat in our car by ourselves, the unique picture we found and loved so much, ugh. Time to start painting!

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Originally Posted by WalkinOnSunshine
MelodyLane - thanks so much for your perspective. That is exactly what it is...a dark cloud. A new, sunny beginning would be nice for me and my children. I do love it here, so maybe I can find something around. I just haven't seen anything as perfect for me. I'll keep looking. In the meantime, I think I will give it a makeover, brighten the walls, rearrange the furniture, get rid of this stupid bed. If I had the money, I would buy new furniture. Each piece reminds me of the day we picked it out, funny stories about how we moved the love seat in our car by ourselves, the unique picture we found and loved so much, ugh. Time to start painting!


We kept the house because I had to (litigation) but immediately redid the bedroom. Stage two will involve redoing the rest of the house. If we cannot afford that, we will sell.


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Originally Posted by living_well
[]

We kept the house because I had to (litigation) but immediately redid the bedroom. Stage two will involve redoing the rest of the house. If we cannot afford that, we will sell.


fyi, we completely remodeled our house after the affair. New carpet, paint, brand new kitchen, new windows, new master bath, new bed, everything. There was still a dark cloud that we didn't really recognize until we moved.

I didn't notice anything different after the remodel but I noticed a dramatic difference after we moved.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Unless you're prevented from selling due to pending litigation or the short term finances prevent a move, I recommend that people sell the marital house. Usually the house is a big trigger whether there is Recovery or Separation/Divorce. My ex tried convincing me to take the house in our divorce...I told him multiple times I did not want it and I also could not have afforded it on my own even if I did want it. I didn't even want to stay in the state the house was in much less the house. The house was rented and eventually sold. We took a huge loss on it but I didn't care. I wanted NOTHING to do with that house.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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I'm still in the marital home. I wanted to move to a smaller place, but we've had troubles off and on since the divorce and there wasn't a good time. Now my YD said her sister got to live here until she was 18, she thinks she should be able to, too. Makes sense to me.


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I stayed in the house.
My WH (now former H) left five years ago.

I won't lie. There are 'ghosts' here.

I have done some redecor and gotten rid of a ton of stuff that he had brought in (furniture, etc).

I have stayed since I could not find a less expensive place to live and the kids are all with me not being uprooted from their lives.

It is sad though. Sad but homey. YK?

So, if you can financially wing it, consider moving but if it is financially smart to stay put, rework the home to make it yours the best you can.







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Walking,

I stayed in my home after my X left. I decided to because I did not want my kids to not have to deal with moving along with all the turmoil of the divorce. It was very hard living here for a while as there were way, way too many memories. I remember times when the kids were with my X, that I would not sleep here. I would go my brothers and sleep on his couch.

Now, years later, I am VERY happy I did not move. I always loved this house (when I was married) and I love it now. I have since created new memories in it.

So, if you love where you live, you may want to give it some time. It will get better.

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I chose to stay in my marital home after my divorce, since I was underwater, and I felt that I could ride out the storm and then sell when the market came back up.

However, when I remarried my wife made me re-do the entire house before she moved in. Even after we did that, she always felt that it was my ex wife's house she lived in. We ended up finding a way to sell at a loss and still be able to purchase a different home that we could call our own.

I think you will have an easier time moving on with a fresh start.


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I don't know if it will pass. I'm still in the marital home, I've been divorced for just over a year now. I know that if I were to move it would likely help a lot with some of the stuff my kids are going through. I'm working on repainting a few of the rooms and packing stuff up to prep to put up for sale. It's going to take me awhile, paints not expensive, but it's not cheap when $20 bucks is all you've got. I'm not real hopeful that it'll sell fast either because there are so many houses for sale right now in my area. It's also kind of scary to think about moving and buying a house all on my own. I've never done anything like that before.

So, none of that really answered your question, lol. I do also have this grand idea of posting pictures of my kids and my extended family up all over the house (I never decorated it when we moved in). I think something like that will help while we wait for it to sell.


Me: 39
Married my amazing husband (52) on 2/29/2016

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Don't forget to consider before selling whether you will qualify for a mortgage on another house.


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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