I'm not sure if I should post here, or in the general forum.

Here is my original post.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163943&Number=2522570#Post2522570

Here is a quick recap. I suspected my wife was involved in an affair with a co-worker. I snooped, but was never able to prove anything. I had lots of circumstantial evidence, but my wife has been steadfast in her denials that anything happened.

I am 99% sure that she had an affair. She still works with the guy. Her behavior towards me has changed for the better. We read HNHN, but I can't say we are following MB strategies. I struggle everyday with my feelings of resentment towards her because of the way she treated me and because I believe that she got away with having an affair.

I'm looking for advice on the MB way of dealing with this.

Thanks for your help.

Sir, this is your post from 3 years ago:


You've been told numerous times what to do.
She IS HAVING AN AFFAIR wit the co-worker.
But years later, you downplay it.
You've been told what to do. I just spent 20 minutes reading your old thread.
Will you follow the advice given this time or is it a waste of time?

SoCal,

I also just spent 20 minutes reading your original post. I am very convinced she was having an affair, and if she continues to work with this man today, the affair never really ended even if the physical piece did.

I also had a gut instinct that my H had affairs, with FAR less evidence then you. The greatest piece of evidence I had was my gut instinct! It gnawed at me for years. It chipped away at who I was like an ice chipper. But, of course, anything I asked him he denied.

One day I asked him to take a polygraph. He was visibly shaken by the idea. He gave me all the reasons why taking a polygraph was beneath us, and I did not pursue it. More gnawing. More chipping. More feeling like I was crazy and obsessive!

Finally one day I called him on the way home and told him he needed to take a poly, or divorce me, those were his two options. He tried once again to convince me that it was a bad idea. I told him I gave him his options and hung up. He came home again, visibly shaken. We put the kids to bed and sat on the couch, and he continued to tell me why it was a bad idea. I remained unemotional and firm, and said, I will give you a third option and that is to tell me the truth right here and now. And he did confess an affair, one that was almost a decade old, with a girl I had never even heard of.

I eventually had him do the poly anyway, of course, thanks to encouragement from the good folks here.

What ever became of your plan to have your wife do a poly? I would highly HIGHLY recommend this. Your original post was over 2 years ago, and this is going to keep eating at you until you know the truth. Some people may be able to focus on the here and now, but I could not. I HAD to know the truth about my marriage, and it seems to me that you do to. If your wife really did not have an affair, then she should be more than happy to do it, to clear her name and get you to drop this! If she DID, then she will highly oppose it.

You need to not give her a choice. Tell her, I will continue to wonder about your relationship with OM until I have proof that your story is valid. For this reason I have schedule a poly on (date and time). Here are the questions that may be included on the poly, you can read and respond to these now. Your answers will be verified by the examiner. If you have nothing to hide, you should welcome the opportunity to prove your word to me, and to set my mind at ease.

If she refuses, that is your answer.

The poly examiner can only ask a very small number of questions, but she doesn't need to know that. So write a list out of all the questions you have, and present it to her. Ask her to answer ALL the questions.

The examiner can help you pick 3-5 or whatever he/she needs, these will be 'tangible' questions like 'did you have sexual intercourse with anyone other than your H during the course of your marriage.' You will NOT be able to ask subjective emotional questions like 'do you love OM.' But, you could ask this on your original list if you want, as long as she doesn't know the rules of a polygraph and doesn't know which questions will be on it.

It is highly unlikely that she will just confess to this affair. The polygraph is the only way to force her hand. OR vindicate her, if you are wrong! Which is why, if she is telling you the truth, she should welcome it.

What MB have you implemented in your marriage?

In your original thread you seemed to be doing a Plan A, are you continuing to do this?

Hi Jedi. I appreciate you looking over my old thread. While I agree that she had an affair, I am not confident in my evidence. That is why I am posting today. I don't believe the evidence is enough. I'm looking for help in how to proceed.

NotSoSure,

What do you know about OM, is he married, does he have a girlfrend, does he have a history of cheating with married women.

Did he have a girlfriend while your WW was having an affair with OM, if so can you speak with her?

Did your WW ever say "I love you but am not in love with you" during that time period.

A workplace is a perfect cover for an affair which goes underground for years and years. Your WW may be in a "stable relationship" now.

I've seen workplace affairs like that, in the one case the OM got jobs for his OW at the places he worked, and that was for 3 or 4 different companies.

The polygraph is your best bet, but what have you done to step up your snooping?

God Bless
Gamma

Unwritten - Thank-you for the response. You are correct. I don't believe she will ever admit to this.

I am similar to you in that I can't just let this go. I need to know the truth, and right now I don't believe I have it. I have tried really hard to just forget it, but it is slowly taking a toll on my and our marriage.

I think that asking her to take a polygraph is my only hope. I expect that she will fight taking it.

Gamma - the suspected OM is someone that has worked with my wife for over 10 years. They work for a small company. Initially, my wife worked as his assistant, but she now runs the department. He has also advanced and is in a different department. They still work very closely and see each other often.

The one thing I did right, was contact OMW. I told her that I was worried they were too close and suspected and affair. She was not as concerned, although I know I planted a seed of doubt. Since then, they no longer sit by us at any of the company events that include family members. (Christmas party, summer picnic, etc...).

During the period of time that I initially posted, my wife had said ILBINILWY.

NotSoSure,

That she worked with this guy for 10 years in itself opens some questions. Did your WWs relationship with OM precede your marriage, it's almost like it is a cyclical affair, perhaps there was an earlier episode.

There 2 additional checks, which are somewhat objective.

You can DNA test your child/children

You can get an STD test for yourself.

God Bless
Gamma

She has worked with OM longer than we have been married. We were dating when she started at her current job.

NotSoSure,

Don't give details, but did your love life ever come back after this affair went quiet?

Have you been able to speak with other co-workers who might have been witnesses?

Is this a business environment which encourages cheating?

Have you spoken with personnel? It sounds like this guy was your wifes boss at the time.

God Bless
Gamma

Sir,
All of the things you need to do are in your original thread.
Since years have passed, and this man even came to your wifes hotel room...and you still dont consider that proof enough I think you need to hire a PI.

I think the only thing that will ocnvince you of an affair is pictures of them kissing or having sex

Gamma has a very valid point.
Have you tested your childrens DNA?
Are they your children?
Have you had STD testing?

Our relationship has gotten better, but I wouldn't say we have a deeply intimate relationship. That is what I want. I have a lot of resentment surrounding the suspected affair.

She does not work in an industry that encourages cheating. While I am friendly with her co-workers, I can't talk to them about the suspected affair. It would 100% get back to my wife. She also handles HR.

Please schedule a polygraph. Polygraph Testing

Have you asked your wife to quit her job?
Three years ago, after the motel incident, did you tell her that you were unhappy and ask her to find other employment?

Yes, I let her know that I was very unhappy and encouraged her to find another job. She told me that she didn't do anything wrong and I was being very unfair in asking her to do that.

When will you do this?