Even if there wasn't an affair (or a current active one), she has shown that she is not willing to show mutual care towards you.
In marriage, Dr. Harley encourages couples to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and make mutual decisions.
She refuses to do this.

I think you should snoop and prepare to battle the affair, or separate from her due to her unwillingness to join you in a caring marriage.

What about all the other questions.
Can you answer them?
Polygraph?
DNA testing of children?
STD Testing?

I haven't done DNA testing or been tested for STD's. (If I get a confession or prove an affair, I would require this for reconciliation).

I will ask her to take a polygraph. What do you advise if she refuses?

Well you better get STD tested ASAP!
Some STDs can cause blindness, death, etc.

If she refuses I would prepare for separation and Plan B

You're trying to deal with the resentment when you should be dealing first with the affair. You can't make the resentment go away when the issue of the affair is unresolved.

Dr Harley's programme for recovery, which includes dealing with, and removing, resentment, starts with the ending of the affair and the establishing of NC. It involves discovering the main details of the affair and includes transparency and accountability.

None of those steps has been taken, and so it is technically impossible for your resentment to fade.

Your thread title is wrong. It is the affair you should be dealing with and ending, not your resentment. Cart before horse, and all that.

I second this motion.

SoCal, if she refuses that is your answer. The answer is that she had/is having an affair and is planning to take that info to the grave. Can you live knowing that? Can you be in a marriage where there is this long term deception and subsequent lack of intimacy?

She gaslighted you and got away with it. She told you it was 'nothing' and made YOU feel like the one doing something wrong, because you perceived an obvious threat to your marriage and responded to that. And, even though you never bought what she was selling, she still got away with it with no repercussions. She needs to know you are serious.

Even if there wasn't an affair (and I believe, like you do, that there was/is), you are dealing with an incredibly selfish and uncaring spouse. You have told her that this man bothers you and that you feel threatened by their relationship, she blew you off. You expressed extreme concern over them spending traveling nights together, she discredited that concern too. Now, you are telling her that 2 years later you have lost trust in her, and are haunted by the 'what ifs' and that her taking a poly would ease the mental anguish and pain, and she is going to be upset and say no???

Any caring spouse would do the opposite of this, and an MB marriage would respond to each one of these complaints. A good and caring marriage would have complete transparency. Complaints about a coworker would result in ending contact with that coworker, even finding a new job if needed. Concerns about overnight travel would result in the spouse coming with or NO overnight travel. Because a caring spouse would place their SPOUSE before some random coworker or before a job.

I did have to draw that line in the sand with my H for him to take a poly. It was either 1) take it or 2) leave. I asked him politely once if he would and he declined, of course. But when I got serious and drew my line in the sand, he knew it.

He confessed. And then I did not have him take the poly for almost a year. I guess I felt like he had finally told me the truth (gut instinct) and that the poly would vindicate him, and I didn't want to give him that satisfaction.

My point here is that, after he finally did come clean, he wanted to take the poly! He pleaded with me to take one. He wanted me to know that he was finally being honest. It was a night and day difference from when he was afraid to take one because he knew he would get busted.

So...I repeat, if she refuses then that is your answer. Then you can rest assured that she DID have an affair and perhaps still is, and is at least still working with the man she shares her secrets with. Then you need to decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life. I know I couldn't.

Unwritten - Thanks for this feedback. I do believe that her plan is to take this to the grave. It obviously still bothers me, which is why I am posting.

She definitely made me feel wrong for bringing up her relationship with OM.

How long did your husband fight taking a polygraph?

NoSoSure,

You wrote, She has worked with OM longer than we have been married. We were dating when she started at her current job.

If you combine that with a lack of real passion or intimacy for you, it sounds like your WW was in an affair with OM before you got married or early in your marriage, and settled for you since OM was not free or had other problems.

The excitement and effort a WW puts into her relationship with OM makes a painful contrast to the lukewarm feelings her BH has to put up with sometimes for years and years.

God Bless
Gamma

SoCal,
This thread is only 4 pages, and I'm already very frustrated reading it. You've been a spectator in your wife's affair for years, and you refuse to do anything about it.

Unwritten has giveN you some clear steps to take regarding the polygraph. If you are here just to whine to us, then ignore Unwritten. If you are here for good advice and want to end this once and for all, then take Unwritten's advice about the ultimatum: polygraph or divorce.

If she takes it to the grave, you will never be able to have a loving and intimate relationship, because this will stand in the way like a big wedge.

This doesn't just apply to you and your building resentment either! My H now tells me that he could never really look me in the eye, or fully engage, because he knew he had this secret. He felt guilt and shame. He felt unworthy of anything I was doing to meet his EN's. He also worked hard to find fault in me, picked at me, to try and make him feel better about his infidelities and dishonesty. So it created a wedge for HIM too.

My H fought taking a poly until the exact moment he told the truth. The exact moment sitting on our couch that he confessed to his A. Immediately after, he begged me to let him take one to prove that I finally knew everything and he had come clean. To restore some credit to his word. It was very simple: resist one when lying/be enthusiastic for one when not lying. A switch that took a matter of 5 minutes.

I repeat. If she refuses to take one, she is lying to you and that is your answer.

Seriously man, you need to listen to these people. I'm new to the site and I'm a cheater. I was about to post my story and question, but your thread title caught my attention.

I cheated online with a woman for well over three years. My wife caught me on a sex site at one point. I copped to explicitly discussing sex with various women online, but I never told her about the one woman I spoke with every day. She was suspicious, but she only had hearsay evidence from someone, but could never get cold hard proof of an affair with this particular woman.

She was right all along in her suspicions, but I lied and gaslit her to the point she didn't want to leave with no real proof. I know her intuition told her the truth, but she didn't listen to it, because of my ability to argue coincidence and happenstance. I knew if she ever knew the truth she would leave so I only told her enough about my cheating activities to get her to stay.

I am no longer cheating on her, and I am working to rebuild our marriage.

This is a defensive position. She is defending her secret, by making you out to be the bad guy. It is a way to shut you up and get you to stop pestering her.

It is ever important to maintain a cool pleasant disposition when asking her to take a poly, for this reason. Because you want to come across as a loving, caring husband who wants an intimate relationship with his wife, and feels concerned about a threat to that. You do not want to come across as a jealous possessive bully. It is much more difficult for her to get angry at the first husband, or say no to that request, than it is to the second.

BigDave,

Why don't you start a thread? There are many former wayward spouses on here who have turned their marriages around. It is a huge task, but totally worth the effort in the end. It is a task that requires reinventing how you look at marriage and your own spouse, and there are veteran posters who can help you with this.

Would your wife be willing to start a thread? We would love to help her too.

Unwritten - I really appreciate all of your advice. I will sit down with my wife this weekend.

Good idea, put it off some more. Why deal with this now, when you can rationalize it on the weekend.
You will come back here on Monday and tell us you didnt want to ruin the great weekend you were having, so you will do it next week.

I started one, thank you. My wife doesn't know about this forum and I'd like to keep it that way for now.

Thanks. I appreciate the support.