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[
And they all do exactly as you say, as soon as you say it, without thought or consideration? Most 5 year olds know it is wrong to lie and deceive others. Telling the truth is not typically something one needs to "think" deeply over. Did you think this "deeply" when you made the decision to commit infidelity?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As for your other thoughts. You have a flare for the dramatic, and that's fine, but it makes me take what you say less seriously than other members. That is easy for you to say since you aren't the one who just "knew" that for 5 years your spouse was lying to you...but every day tried to figure out if you were being oversensitive or instinctive; whether you were nuts or not. Also, you aren't the one who just donated 2,000 days from your life to someone who stole them on by deceiving you. So, in all, yes, very easy for you to say.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Dave,
People may be being blunt with you but not mean spirited.
If you read enough threads on here a very common similarity is that partial truths and trickle truths leave the marriage in as damaged usually worse a state as the pre-affair marriage. Another common theme here is that when a spouse gives a complete and total confession forgiveness and recovery can truly start.
The betrayed partner, when the marriage continues in spite of suspicion, distrusts the wayward partner for years and even decades. 10 years from now your W may break and have an affair of her own.
Even worse you have to worry from now until whenever that the long term affair woman contacts your W out of the blue.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 09/24/14 05:41 PM.
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Dave,
Have you made your apologies to the husbands or significant others of your affair partners?
God Bless
Gamma
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I'm here for my marriage. I'm not here to convince you of anything. My view has changed dramatically from even this morning. If you aren't convinced I'm sincere or looking for helpful answers from me being willing to take a new look, my words about how I feel about dramatic posts won't change your mind either. We will SEE if you are here for your marriage. I sure hope that is true. But that has not been established yet. Sincerity is demonstrated by actions, not snide little posts on the internet. Would you categorize any of your posts as snide?
Online sex sites for five years
3 year online affair
Rededicated to wife and trying to make it work
Dday - several (most were her suspicions but never verified)
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Dave,
Have you made your apologies to the husbands or significant others of your affair partners?
God Bless
Gamma I only know the first and last name of one (the long term affair) and she is single. I have no means to apologize to the men of the women I sexted or talked sexually with online. Most of them I don't know if they were married or not.
Online sex sites for five years
3 year online affair
Rededicated to wife and trying to make it work
Dday - several (most were her suspicions but never verified)
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I'm here for my marriage. I'm not here to convince you of anything. My view has changed dramatically from even this morning. If you aren't convinced I'm sincere or looking for helpful answers from me being willing to take a new look, my words about how I feel about dramatic posts won't change your mind either. We will SEE if you are here for your marriage. I sure hope that is true. But that has not been established yet. Sincerity is demonstrated by actions, not snide little posts on the internet. Would you categorize any of your posts as snide? Do you think thats a wise strategy when it is you who is here asking for help? You told me before how "analytical" you are. Does your analysis tell you that is a good way to obtain help for your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I'm here for my marriage. I'm not here to convince you of anything. My view has changed dramatically from even this morning. If you aren't convinced I'm sincere or looking for helpful answers from me being willing to take a new look, my words about how I feel about dramatic posts won't change your mind either. We will SEE if you are here for your marriage. I sure hope that is true. But that has not been established yet. Sincerity is demonstrated by actions, not snide little posts on the internet. Would you categorize any of your posts as snide? And another question. Do posts like this help your situation? I would say not. Dave, the only thing that can move this forward is your telling your wife the full truth. There is nothing to discuss until that happens because there is nothing we can do for you. Therefore, posting on this thread is a waste of time until you come back and tell us she knows the full truth. Go tell your wife the truth, my friend. Then come back and we can help you with next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dave,
People may be being blunt with you but not mean spirited.
If you read enough threads on here a very common similarity is that partial truths and trickle truths leave the marriage in as damaged usually worse a state as the pre-affair marriage. Another common theme here is that when a spouse gives a complete and total confession forgiveness and recovery can truly start.
The betrayed partner, when the marriage continues in spite of suspicion, distrusts the wayward partner for years and even decades. 10 years from now your W may break and have an affair of her own.
Even worse you have to worry from now until whenever that the long term affair woman contacts your W out of the blue.
God Bless
Gamma I can honestly say not telling my wife about the affair she didn't know about did not feel like a lie. We had discussed and worked through the other affair issues. I honestly thought opening her wounds would be cruel. I didn't see it from the view of her not making a decision with all the facts. None of the snide posts opened my eyes to that fact. I have no issue with blunt posters, but some people overdo it just for the sake of overdoing it. If I had returned those posts with the same tone that was written to me, I would have been filleted and called out. I called out one poster for being dramatic (and she was) and it was determined I wasn't being sincere. Do you see what I'm saying? Like I said earlier, it won't scare me away, but it doesn't help either. Some people are here to be helpful and others are here for other reasons.
Online sex sites for five years
3 year online affair
Rededicated to wife and trying to make it work
Dday - several (most were her suspicions but never verified)
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[
I'm here for my marriage. I'm not here to convince you of anything. My view has changed dramatically from even this morning. If you aren't convinced I'm sincere or looking for helpful answers from me being willing to take a new look, my words about how I feel about dramatic posts won't change your mind either. We will SEE if you are here for your marriage. I sure hope that is true. But that has not been established yet. Sincerity is demonstrated by actions, not snide little posts on the internet. Would you categorize any of your posts as snide? Do you think thats a wise strategy when it is you who is here asking for help? You told me before how "analytical" you are. Does your analysis tell you that is a good way to obtain help for your marriage? I would say if you are calling me out for being snide and I see your posts in the same manner, it is a logical response, yes.
Online sex sites for five years
3 year online affair
Rededicated to wife and trying to make it work
Dday - several (most were her suspicions but never verified)
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I'm here for my marriage. I'm not here to convince you of anything. My view has changed dramatically from even this morning. If you aren't convinced I'm sincere or looking for helpful answers from me being willing to take a new look, my words about how I feel about dramatic posts won't change your mind either. We will SEE if you are here for your marriage. I sure hope that is true. But that has not been established yet. Sincerity is demonstrated by actions, not snide little posts on the internet. Would you categorize any of your posts as snide? And another question. Do posts like this help your situation? I would say not. Dave, the only thing that can move this forward is your telling your wife the full truth. There is nothing to discuss until that happens because there is nothing we can do for you. Therefore, posting on this thread is a waste of time until you come back and tell us she knows the full truth. Go tell your wife the truth, my friend. Then come back and we can help you with next steps. As it turns out, my parents could tell something is wrong, so they are coming now to get the kids. My wife and I will talk tonight. I will tell her the truth. I do have a question for those who want to answer with respect. I continue to have strong feelings for the woman I had the long term affair with. We never met in person, and I know she will never talk to me again. Do I tell my wife I continue to hold fondness for her? When you say the whole truth, is there anything I shouldn't say to spare feelings? Is anything categorized as cruel and unusual to reveal to her about the relationship I had. I am sincerely asking. I am not looking to pulverize my wife with details, but I need to know if there should be boundaries.
Online sex sites for five years
3 year online affair
Rededicated to wife and trying to make it work
Dday - several (most were her suspicions but never verified)
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That's not helping your situation move forward, Dave.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"I continue to have strong feelings for the woman I had the long term affair with. We never met in person, and I know she will never talk to me again. Do I tell my wife I continue to hold fondness for her? When you say the whole truth, is there anything I shouldn't say to spare feelings? Is anything categorized as cruel and unusual to reveal to her about the relationship I had."
Yes, tell her the whole truth and answer her questions completely and fully. She will determine what level of detail she needs since she is the best judge of that. I would be prepared with a plan to affair proof your marriage and demonstrate that all contact has ended. We will provide you with a no contact letter to mail to the OW. That will be a great good will gesture to your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am out right now so hopefully someone can post the no contact letter and the extraordinary precautions check list.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dave,
Try to imagine your W had done what you did, and then you felt you did not get a complete or even consistent story. Your imagination would work over time and you would think your W did way more than what actually happened.
God Bless
Gamma
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Here. From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, XXXXX
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Dave,
You are doing the right thing in telling your wife. Have the list of EPs ready as well as the letter to the OW committing to no contact for life.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Dave,
You are doing the right thing in telling your wife. Have the list of EPs ready as well as the letter to the OW committing to no contact for life.
AM Exactly. And bring your wife here so we may help her. Can you get the book Surviving an Affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Unwritten, I mean you no disrespect, but polygraphs are junk science. If I choose to tell my wife everything I won't offer up a polygraph because I firmly believe in real science. If I tell her everything she will leave, she told me as much. A polygraph won't be necessary, but I'll need a good divorce lawyer Hrmmmm. I suspect you are not being honest with us, and I suspect you are about to trickle truth your poor wife AGAIN. Why do you get all the choices here Dave? If I choose to tell my wife...I won't offer up... Why do you get all the control? You don't appear to care about your wife AT ALL.
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