I am sorry for your pain, Luna.

This is outside of my expertise, but just wanted to send you a hug anyway.

It can only get better from here, and it will. You will either be better without him or he will decide to change and you will be better with him. Just don't ever reconcile via shortcuts if that happens; stick to your guns and MB advice to do it right.

(((((luna)))))

Thank you Sunnytimes. At least I'll never have to suffer through one of his 'it's just friends' mental caca again.

One a surprising note, one of my 'poly' friends came out on my side, saying an agreement is an agreement, and if my husband doesn't keep his with me, it's cheating. Exposure is full of surprises.

Exposure done to mutual friends, family and those at school. I have it posted publicly on my page. Done. I didn't do his high school friends or other contacts he has not talked to for more than five years. Let me know if that is a mistake.

The supportive comments I've gotten have helped a lot. My husband even posted on my thread, stating he had never strayed in our marriage. I have now blocked him and made it clear to everyone that he is not welcome in my life until this behavior stops.

Luna,
Get a good start in cutting toxic friends out of your life.
The "poly" friend is the first one that should go

Luna,

You posted that you are in Plan B.
Did you write a Plan B letter and send it to your husband?
Do you have an Intermediary (IM)?

I did not write a plan B letter yet. I just reacted to what happened today - it was so far beyond the pale, it pushed me to finally act.

I don't have an IM yet. I have some one in mind and hopefully she will say yes.

If not, I will keep thinking until I find someone.

Well I am sorry that it happened but I am glad it made you act. And it does not amtter how mad he gets and it does not matter what he says.

He is/was "dating" other women if he was going out to coffee or dinner or anything that you did not approve of, nor should you approve of it.

It makes no difference what anyone is saying you know the truth and somewhere down deep so does your H but he will never admit it.

And your marriage can take him being mad, it can't take him continuing to "date" other women......

And you should stay as dark as possible to keep your sanity. Do not contact him in anyway and do not let him contact you in anyway.

Thanks SC. I have found an IM and have arranged the immediate business needs. Nothing else needs to be taken care of so I'm just trying to focus on me and what I need to do to be okay. The support has helped from others, more than I thought possible.

I guess I do need to write a plan B letter. I'm going to do that tonight and then it is dark as I can get.

It is hard to believe my marriage will survive. He refused to stop when I asked for months, I cannot see him ever giving in now. Aghh.. either way, I am better off.

I just keep telling myself that.

Post your Plan B letter here first, so experienced posters can review it before you deliver it to him.

I don't think you ever had a real marriage commitment from him to begin with.

My PBL: taken straight from a template, with some small modifications.

September 29, 2014

My Dearest H,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your dates with other women possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. Additionally, I have subjected you to angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. I am so sorry.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you stop seeing and prioritizing these women over me. Living with, and seeing you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend M has agreed to help us with any business contact we might need.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationships with these women, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are continuing them. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship with A, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with her, agree to not have dates with any other women, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in these relationships.

With all my love,

The very last message I got before cutting off contact: He told me to stop contacting his family and that he never wants to talk to me ever again.

This is normal for exposure, yes?

So long as everyone who needs to know knows, that's fine. In some ways better because he has seen it; is wondering who else has and this enhances his sense of shame.



It's cute when they think they are in charge



Don't you see your marriage and mental health is interfering with their spineless social life? How very dare you.

They have no idea you have more backbone (or that anybody does) and you will exclude them from any future marriage.

I think you did great!

The Plan B letter is perfect, too.

So normal it gets boring!

Agree with Indie, they all say the same thing. And like I said before, your marriage can handle him being mad, it cannot handle continued "dating".

Just send the Plan B letter and go dark, dark, dark and no matter which way it goes YOU will be better for it and that is all that matters really!!!!

Hang in there

Thank you indie and SC. I reread this thread over and over again for strength!

I am sure his tone will be different when he finds out you have cut contact with him.

But even if this does not end up with a recovered marriage you are now protecting yourself from his foolishness and trying to make it all seem like somehow it is your fault.

That is not good for your physical health and certainly not your mental health.

I think I handed him what he wanted on a silver platter - to get out of having a relationship with me. He is busy telling everyone (I am guessing) that I am crazy, jealous, and he just wants to have some friends and I am so controlling he can't even do that. Ugh. It is so hard. I am really unhappy with his family. Not a single one has shown any support. I paid for that huge wedding he wanted. Well, I feel like I should have just called it "super expensive party that you can come drink for free at" for all they seem interested in supporting the actual marriage. My girlfriend tells me they might be telling him the straight up, even if they won't say it to me. Grrr.

I am really mad at the OW. She so consistently went after him, even after I asked her to stay away. I have at least one phone record of her calling him, and I'm sure there were more since he is good at calling via IP to hide the phone numbers, and does mostly text anyhow. I didn't have her contact list on Sunday when I did exposure so just did our families and friends and left her out. POSOW. I have her contact list now but am not sure I want to touch that after doing the rest two days ago. There are not words to describe how much I loath her.

On a different note, I've had a string of really good news. Like, exciting, holy cow news, and it makes me miss my H even more since he is the one person I really like sharing that stuff with. My life is actually pretty stellar except for the fact that my husband wants to take some one woman on dates and defend her instead of me.

Also, I have about fifty of his friends and family on my Facebook. Even blocking him, he has any number of spies. I was thinking of just disabling the account for a while to keep the news flow in control. Or simply not posting anything. Thoughts?

Unfriend them/block or get a new account.

Since they are not showing any support for you they will never be part of your life again. Even if you recover your H will have to cut them out because they support affairs.

You shouldn't be hearing any news about him at all. Go dark; super dark.

I paid for a bunch of unsupportive people's meals too. This is why expensive weddings actually undermine the commitment you are supposed to be stressing sometimes. You live, you learn. You'll never make such a reluctant agreement again will you?

On Dday it seemed they had it all and wouldn't help me. But very quickly you see how much more 'stellar' your life is unimpeded by them. I went on to be happy and the unsupportive continued to scrabble after meaning in the gutter.

Now I truly hope they learn to be as happy as I am. The big wedding was my own idea and it wasn't their fault I was a foolish and lavish bride.