What is your good news?

My good news is my work is featured on my school's website. I found my name featured on the website by accident, after looking for the page for a professor's name spelling. Some other work I did (during the awfulness of the last few weeks!) was good enough to make the finalist at school and has some awesome benefits (yes, I am being intentionally vague).

Deleting all of his family seems so... permanent. Ouch. Really?

Should I just ignore OW? My plan B letter asks him to cut contact with her, but he probably has her in a class or two. He'd have to make a dramatic change to get her out of his life.

And being brutally honest, my ego is hurting that this seems so easy for him. I want him to miss me!

All he wants is his beard trimmer.

Is that a personal item or a household good?

Remember all that pain you've been feeling?

It doesn't go away. It's permanent. You can build a happy life but any reminder or 'trigger' will take you back to stage zero.

I am soooo happy but just my XWH's or OW's name can zip me right back.

It is as traumatic as rape. To heal you need only healing influences in your life. Aka not his family. If they ever want to grow a moral conscience in the future you can reconsider them.

Plus it's only FB! Go without and you will hardly miss it.

You can't ignore OW. Any contact at all, even sight of her car will cause you triggers and cause him to resume the A. We see that over and over and over.

NO contact - for life.

Yes, like most people he would need to make a dramatic change. Which he should have considered earlier.

Scoop all this nonsense out your life so you can focus on this AMAZING news!!! Congratulations!

As for ego; my husband walked off with foggy ease and I healed stupendously. When he showed up on the doorstep Christmas Eve I was so healed that not even my ego appreciated it and I closed the door in his face.

Ego is a reflex. It will go away.

For OW, I have a list of 400 of her friends that I didn't have two days ago. Should I email them all and tell them she is no friend to marriage? Unfortunately it is a few days after I did everyone else, and frankly I'm tired. And they have had some time to spin it.

If you feel you've exposed her to a good segment of people than your priority is to get on with healing.

Obviously, that is a personal item unless you also have a beard and you two shared use of the beard trimmer.
Otherwise it's like a man holding on to a box of tampons and claiming them as household goods, instead of personal goods.

As Indie said, if you've already exposed to her close family and friends then that is probably enough.
Many people have hundreds of "friends" who wouldn't help them change a flat tire if they were on the side of the road! Many "friends" have never met each other online!

EDIT: You can always post OW on www.cheaterville.com to cover any lose ends.

That's because he thinks you will leave the door wide open. My H only took enough clothes for a day trip because he fully expected to keep his stuff at the house and come and go like it was his own storage facility.

Uh huh. I took all his stuff to his mothers on the day I changed the locks. A storage facility works too.

Even then he would 'invent' stuff he needed from the house in the futile hope he would be allowed in.

luna,

Are you in Plan B now?
If so, how do you know that he wants the beard trimmer?

I exposed OW initially to family and boyfriend, but did not follow up with the information that she did not stay away from my H, but was actively pursuing him. I have a screen shot of a phone log of her calling and a screenshot of my H telling me he was with her as proof.

I did send both of those things to her boyfriend, along with a note that one of her conversations with my husband was about how to get him (boyfriend) to marry her. Seriously.

I am in Plan B. I sent the letter through my Matron of Honor, who agreed to be my IM. She is definitely on the side of marriage and has agree to help. He got the plan B letter yesterday about noon. It was after the communication about the beard trimmer and no contact. Everything happened so fast, I just wanted him away from me and didn't have time to draft it.

She contacted him for me to let him know that he is not to get me at the airport, or contact me in any way, and to tell him when to leave the car keys on my porch. She explicitly told him I would not be home then. That is when I got the information about the trimmer.

Things I still need to do to go fully dark:
1. Setup a new budgeting online tool. We had a join one and he is still using it. I don't need to know what he is doing.
2. Hide my calendars he has access to.
3. Separate our cell phones. Right now they are linked. Right now I am paying for it. He needs to pay his half and then split them so I don't pay his bills and I don't know what the heck he is doing.
4. Close the joint account.

The only credit card he has is co-signed by me. And I can see everything he does with it. The bank said I can close the whole mess if it is paid off. I want to wait until he makes the payment,

Do I warn him about the credit card or the phone? I am not going to close his phone - he just needs to move it.

This is truly opposite behavior for me. I get mad and pull away for 12 hours max. I don't make permanent changes separating us. It feels very scary. I sent him a letter telling him I want our marriage to work, but all of these actions are saying I am moving on.

It feels scary in advance but it feels really freeing when its done.

I don't want to be free. I want my marriage to work.

I meant freedom from the impossible task of engaging the unengaged.

No more pushing jelly uphill. All focus is on you.

Segragating your finances won't end your marriage. Plan B won't end your marriage. It is just a step back so as to allow your H to step up.

It is only the end if he does not. But you will be free of having to drag him there. Free of misery no matter what.

Okay. That makes sense.

Luna I am so sorry you are going through this and none of us can really tell you what you're H is going to do but those of us that have seen this board know that Plan B is the best thing for your sanity. My H came back after only 3 days off plan B, Indies H did not come back but I think if we had it to do over again we would do it again. At least I know I would.

Look at it this way, the marriage you have right now is miserable and no-one wants a miserable marriage. If he doesn't come back you are still better off than being in a miserable marriage. And you can learn things here to make the next relationship even better.

If he does come back this marriage will be much stronger because you stood your ground and did not let him walk all over you.

No matter what you need to worry about you!

I'm sure my husband is not coming back. My letter asks him to cut off his relationship with that woman and he's told me to his face that the next year of knowing her is longer than he wants to know me.

Being afraid of him leaving just opened the door for him to treat me any way he wanted because he could always come back. What a huge mistake. I wish I'd had more courage back then, maybe I wouldn't be here now.

This is true for sure and the reason we all have been telling you to plan B, if he knows that now he can't come back without changes you just don't know what will happen.

And trust me now that you have exposed no matter what people say they are talking about them behind their back and it will get ugly in their little world.

Ohhhh.. Be prepared for all eventualities!

My husband was so hostile, said he never wanted to speak to me again, that my exposure proved I was a "psycho".. When I sent him Plan A texts, I would just get either silence or a curt "don't contact me please".

I don't know what his reaction to Plan B was, because I had a super duper MBer as my intermediary who didn't give me any info at all.

However when I've done it for very similarly hostile husbands they are outraged that they no longer have access to "my wife" - days after telling her they would never speak to her again.

I was not prepared for him to try and break Plan B over and over again. We had no kids; no reason for contact at all.

Luckily people here prepared me and I sealed up the Plan B castle like someone expecting a burglar. He tried every door and window.

I was not prepared to see him show up on my doorstep on Christmas Eve after the divorce saying he cared about me. Oh he was still foggy and prob in his affair still but there had been 'developments' in his attitude I would say.

I got bored of Plan B and went to Plan D in less than 8 months. I just forgot why I wanted him. If you give it the full 2 years I think there's a high chance you will see a recovery, though its not always the case.

A woman in my exact position; a cheating hostile husband and no kids wrote to Dr H about her husband moving overseas 'to get away from her' and would her Plan B ever lead to recovery.

Dr H was "quite sure" he would be back but told the woman she could have a better life, much sooner by cutting him lose. He said: "All marriages can be recoverd - but not all of them should be".

He said "If she were my daughter I would be saying to her; "Forget the marriage, what's good for YOU right now?"

The known liar told you?

Stick around! You will learn to never take the word of a wayward!

I made a thread up on their most common lies and I'm sure I included "I hate you"

It's just a power trick.

Yes, be prepared for being called a psycho by your husband.
Almost everyone who exposes is called a "psycho" and "sick" and "hateful and vengeful" during and after exposure.

However, those who left their affairs and committed to a program of recovery have posted here that they were later thankful for exposure