Believe me you have to make a very active decision not to. You will be far more beseiged with offers than any eligible single woman.

There is something about a wounded woman whch brings out every vulture in sight. As JK says, none of them are worth your time.

Besides which ; dating is stressful. Oh it is fun if you are eligible, healed, strong and can take on the battle of the dating ground.

While I am sure you would welcome some needs meeting; there's no way you are ready for the hard headed decisions and knocks that accompany true dating.

True dating is also a hunt for a spouse. You already have one! No man worth having is going to settle for being someone's interlude either.

For now put all your focus upon you. It is actually a wonderful experience when you do this well. Surround yourself with friends. Do something fun every weekend.

It is important to realise how vulnerable you are in Plan B though because NO ONE meets your needs. I made sure I only had female friends because as we all know by studying the lovebank; male friends are lovers in waiting.

Are you active in a house of worship? My church's women's group has so much nourishing, fun stuff going on that sometimes I have a really hard time balancing it with spending time with my sweetie. I have such good relationships with the women there and it sets the example of what a relationship of equals, of mutual care and respect, feels like so I can apply it to romantic relationships.

And outside of that I have a solid group of girlfriends. The same thing, gives you experience of what a relationship of mutual care and respect feels like, so it creates a big contrast effect with your H, helps you raise and keep the bar high. Because the biggest danger you face is taking him back too soon, before the changes stick.

Thanks for the suggestions and info Indie and New. It is good to know.

My Dad wrote to him in a really gentle way, telling him he hopes we can work it out and got back 'little hope for us as couple.' From this board, I know that means not much, especially since he is still pissed from exposure.

I had a thought: My H could take two quarters off school and come down to mine and take classes there. It is a better school, and would look good on his resume. There is a beautiful new gym and a climbing wall, which he loves. Of course, he'd have to leave A behind, and all the other enablers.

The question is: Should I make this offer clear? I know the knee jerk reaction will be no, but is there harm in planting the thought this is possible? We would be down here together every day, and could really work on our marriage.

Luna,

This is an offer you can make him AFTER he ends his affair.
Since you are in Plan B, you should have no communication with him

This would have been through the IM.

I am not communicating with him.

I am really trusting that you guys are right.

They do know what they are talking about. I hope things are going well in your world and you are keeping yourself busy and taken care of.

Take a long hot bath and read a book.

No, dont make offers through the IM

Listen to the radio show daily. You will hear Dr H over and over again tell women to step back and let their husbands figure this stuff out. He will tell men to woo their wives and make offers and paint pictures - because we women like this and find it affectionate and affirms a sense of caring.

Men don't. If a man realises there is something he wants he will know how to go about getting it. The Plan B letter is enough of a roadmap. Too much input is patronising and nagging but more importantly it takes away focus from you and your life.

Your job is firstly to take care of you: to make your life amazing. That way he will either want to join it or it will be so great that you won't care at that point.

Not to mention you will make your IM's job untenable if you ask her to do this kind of thing. If you read the IM training thread her entire role is to BLOCK communication; not generate it.

She can't do both.

Thank you for the feedback and input. It has been nine days of NC. That is a record, since before our marriage when we broke up once. I can't believe it has been that long already. IM messages sent during that time (bills) but it has been a few days on that too. I have an outstanding (small) bill and might just suck it up rather than have to communicate anything again.

Got some sleep medication (finally) and meds to make things easier. I never would have thought to do that without the advice of Dr.H.

Things, besides the obvious, are going really well. I got complimented today on the script they are shooting of mine and could actually detect the head guy really wanting me to hear it. Wow, it was a Sally Field moment for me if there ever was one. It feels much different at school than last year - I'm a slow burner, and I've proven myself now and things are starting to pickup in a fabulous way. (If you know the rabbit and the tortoise story, I'm the tortoise... it helps me to know that when I feel discounted... time will change it!).

Thanks again. I'll listen to the show more now. The last week or so has just been about surviving. Was in three cities and had a lot of changes to deal with in addition to, again, the obvious.

You're doing great

Could someone please post some of the clips on Dr. H telling women to take a step back and let the man figure it out? Thanks.

Well everyone, the dreaded is probably going to happen this weekend. The last thing my husband and still share is our phone service and I checked to see who he called and it was the county court house where he filed divorce papers. Bad, I know. (It is also about the only phone number he hasn't blocked me from seeing so I'm guessing he wants me to know.) From looking up the rules, I think he'd called to get papers served to me since I wouldn't voluntarily sign the receipt form that needs to be notarized.

This is NOT what I wanted. I feel exposure was the final straw and my husband hates me and it will never change. I don't know what I could have done better - ignore his behavior and try to fill his love bank? I really think if I hadn't been gone so much, we would have had a chance.

I was just starting to feel better after a horrible morning. I am having high anxiety about this.

You guys told me to tell everyone, and it feels like it has turned into exactly what I don't want. I have lots of friends and family on my side, but what I really wanted was my husband.

Luna,

I dont think your husband was ever committed to your marriage.
He has his choice: to pursue his independent lifestyle or show care to his wife.
So far he is choosing his independent lifestyle.
Don't let his choices affect your welfare. Take this time to try to focus on yourself.

I just wish it had not gotten so acrimonious. All my stuff is there and I really don't need the upset of dealing with this right now... I just wanted a quiet weekend to do yoga, deal with the starter for my car and get more clothes packed for school so I wouldn't have to keep making those trips.

If I go back there and face this, I will be a town without a friend in sight, dealing with the worse thing that has ever happened to me. I am just filled with dread.

Luna,

You dont need to go there and deal with a phone number you saw on a phone bill.

Listen, please:

Focus on one thing at a time.
Make a list: Yoga..what time and date
Starter...how much will it cost..when will it be done (time and date)
Clothes...Use a checklist for clothes. I get mine off the internet for my kids and then see what you need

What I'm saying is, if I fly back there, I will spend the whole weekend anxious and afraid of when someone is going to pop out and surprise me.

Most of my possessions are there. I have a few changes of clothes, one book and my computer here.

I could stay here and buy more clothes down the road, and just chill for a while.

I feel really fragile right now and have a ton of things I need to do. I feel like a coward, but I cannot handle the thought of being there alone waiting for the ax to fall.

Luna,

You are in college.
You can buy clothes at a local second hand store.
You dont need to fly 1000 miles to get your clothes

Take ONE DAY AT A TIME

You arent being a coward; in fact you aren't taking your pain seriously enough.

People have told Dr H betrayal has hurt more than rape and child bereavement. Would you go to the place your rapist had raped you? Of course not. Just buy new clothes!

Why is he blocking you? Why are you looking up info on who he is calling?

Plan B is about shutting HIM out and making sure you have no information on him. Of course you are in a tailspin after seeing that be called the courthouse.

Stop doing this to yourself and let a lawyer handle this.

Luna please listen to Indie and even if that is what happens as we have told you what kind of a marriage did you have anyway?

It was a pretty bad one. I'm ready to be done. I've got too many good things going on, and to have the third major negative event in a week is just too much.

I'm working on getting the papers done quickly and efficiently. I'm not willing to sacrifice my stuff this quarter to get it done though (enough of that for him) so he'll either have to work with me, or I'll get a lawyer and it will be not good.

I've already been advised to get a lawyer to protect myself from some of his other stuff I didn't even mention here.

This has not been a good way to live.